It's a Doozie!

You know what really chaffs my nuts? The safety videos they have you watch at work, they're what really chaff my nuts. You know those ones that are moronically corny, poorly acted, and fucktarded instructional videos that makes lectures on abstinence, or Scientology sound like philosophical discussions given by Socrates. They're the videos that are so mind numbingly boring that you  become unconscious due to the fact that your body has actually forgot how to breath. In reality the videos are more unsafe than the job itself due to the production value, and all around dumbass douchebaggery. But, the scary thing is that you have to watch them, and see the unrealistic situation they use to demonstrate their points to realize how fucked you are. It's after watching those videos that you realize that you're just a few steps above rock bottom.


When you getting trained (especially for retail jobs) they do so out of concerns of protecting the company. The employer has you watch a safety video about how to pick things up correctly, and ladder safety, and then they literally give you enough "rope" to hang yourself with. By enough rope I mean a fucking cumbersome apron.  It's really dangerous if you're climbing really high up on a ladder and get caught on a shelf or something. Once that happens you'll find you're ass swinging around like Jackie Chan in one of his many repetitive clumsy, cop Hong Kong films.

And as if that wasn't dangerous enough, they then make you wear a Walkie  that has an ear piece. That basically means that either you're gonna get a near fatal ear boxing comparable to one you'd receive from a chubby nun, or possibly going out the David Carradine way minus the masturbation. All this is done contrary to the exact principles set forth by the video. They tell you in that incredibly helpful piece of media to watch out for clothing that could get caught on the corners, or edges of shelves. They tell you to make sure that the ladder is fully open, that it's a level and not wobbly. If there is anything that is wrong with the ladder then you need to tell your supervisor. The only problem with that is I've literally seen a manager climb up one step of a ladder, see how wobbly it was then step off, and have a stock guy do it. I mean, sure they may have held the latter but did they risk taking a spill, and break a hip? Do they want to become a gimp? Do they wanna have hardware so they're like part human part lighting rod. A retail version of Keyser Söze? No, they leave it to the dudes getting paid 9 ($9.00) something an hour. Seriously, it's bullshit.


So I got an idea, I saw on YouTube that there are all these work safety commercials from other countries that are pretty graphic, but they do a much better job than the company made safety films. Observe. Oh, and they are graphic so watch at your own risk.


See after seeing that I came up with an idea, do one of those exact films but follow it up with the fact that after being hurt you have to fill out forms for when you go to the hospital. So show someone falling from a ladder, they got glass and shit in them and they're all scar faced up, and while they wait for the ambulance to come they're filling out the incident report. They drop the pen and do the rest with the blood from they're wounds while the store manager watches in shock. The injured coworker then coughs blood in the managers face, and says to him/her "you got something on your face". Then giving back the papers the injured employee starts screeching these blood curdling screams, begging for someone to hold their hands as they die. Incorporate arterial spurts of blood that hit the lens of the camera. And the final touch would be a narrator who would say, "Watch out for that first step, it's a doozie". Think about it.

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN 

The most precious gift.

Due to school, work, and a rant that is turning out to be much longer than expected, I won't be posting a chaffed post until next week. That being said I am going to encourage you to go and watch the TV show BANSHEE on Cinemax! It's kick ass! Well, except for the show HANNIBAL. That was the bestest, spendifieric,  most awesomest series that ever existed.

And there I have a present for all of those who follow and read my blog. It's the most precious gift of all, a child's laughter. Enjoy!

So, until the next rash, 

Lou Ford

FIN

The Potato and a deep sadness.

Before I get into this I know that most of you will be reading this after the fact, so Happy Belated St. Patrick's Day. And here are somethings that happen every St. Patrick's Day, but have really chaffed me this time of year every year.  

You know what really chaffs my nuts? St. Patrick's Day. Now I don't mean the actual celebration per-say but some of those nauseatingly cheesy traditions that we have. Those are the things that chaff me.

An example of that is the saying "Everyone's Irish on St. Patrick's Day". 

No, no they're not. Everybody is different and unique. Now I'm not saying you can't have fun on this holiday that has become a celebration, it's fine However, when drunken fucktards are running around exclaiming that their name is O’Brien or Guinness; when I heard that 50 thousand times, then I'm a bit pissed. That would be like saying everybody is Chinese on the lunar New Year. But fine, that's kool. If you want to be Irish then take a potato, embrace alcoholism, develop resentment-fueled rage, and disown any gay or effeminate family member accept when you need money. That's one way to be Irish.

The next thing that pisses me off is phrase "Kiss me, I'm Irish". 

No, no one wants to because no one wants to kiss alcoholism, and depression. No one wants to do that. They don't. I mean just look at Boston, Massachusetts. Seriously, do you want to kiss that? I didn't think so. If that doesn't convince you then how about kissing Liam Nelson. How about douchebaggie Colin Farrell?

Here is the last thing that kinda pisses me off. Chicago dyes its river green. It's not just Chicago, but I'm using them as an example, and yes they do it.  Seriously, they go as far as to dye the river. Years from now there will be a surge of pale skin red haired babies, it will be revealed that just like agent orange, it's a result of all chemicals in the water. Sure St. Patrick's day is fun, but do you really want a bunch of freckled faced bipolar douches running amok? Do you really want that? If you don't then just put up an Irish flag, and drink some booze, and stop creating a fever pitched, whiskey induced violent orgy also known as a bar fight that breeds the creature known as the Irish.  And for god sakes stop dying the rivers, seriously. Stop it.  

Sparkles of Lies.

You know what really chaffs my nuts? Valentine's day. 

Well, not the day itself, or even the purpose of it, but rather what has resulted from it. That result has been this corny, unrealistic expectation of affection. What I mean by that is there is this implied idea that it has to be this perfect, splendiferic day of undying romance that proves that all we need is love, and love will make up for anything. A perfect example of this is the fact that Valentines' Day is the number one day for marriage proposals.

 Now that is not a bad thing with the exception of one thing; the "age old" tradition of the engagement ring. Yup, that thing that "If you like it then you should put a ring on it". And the reason why it inflames me is that it's a big scam, big like Minnie Drivers head big, or the black empty void where Rachael Ray's soul is supposed to be. That big. See, the story behind the ring isn't this century old thing, it was a marketing campaign perpetrated by De Beers less than a century ago. The campaign was extremely successful, and now no matter what, if a dude wants to marry his sweetie then he better buy a ring. The girl could just be a torso with nice hair, and if the boy doesn't go through the whole hassle of talking to a jeweler who is only going to be honest with him so far as they can get a hefty price on a piece of clear carbon that is about as rare as pimples on an old Jewish man's ass, then he ain't shit. Yeah, diamonds maybe forever but so are taxes, death, and the time it takes to make sense of most student films. Forever doesn't mean it's  worth shit. I mean sure Diamonds are pretty, but in the end they're about as useful as a cape. Plus, here's a bonus, they've (diamonds & De Beers) helped to finance some political movements, and start some kick ass fashion trends.

See, child soldiers that had been forced to join
rebel groups. Political movements, see look at the good
they've done. 

And new fashion trends too.
 How many can say that they have short
sleeves for life, huh? Sexy right?

Oh, look metal hooks for hands. There are
so many fun things that child could do with
them. Pretend to be a robot. "Danger Will
Robinson! Danger!". How about being Captain
Hook. Ah, fun times, fun times.
Thank you De Beers. 

And those fashion trends are amputations, but fashionable amputations. I mean how many victims actually get to choose whether they want "long sleeves or short sleeves". In case you haven't gotten it yet long sleeves meant only your hand would get cut off while short sleeves meant the arm . No joking, it was a joke that the rebel group (the R.U.F) in Sierra Leone asked before hacking off the limbs of a victim. In essence they would give the victim a choice. 

Still to all those who don't care, and are thinking, "how am I responsible? That civil war is over, and it's only a ring". Well, you're right, just like with drugs, buying a bit of coke doesn't mean you're responsible for a drug cartel's brutality. That being said, when a whole fuck load are then yes, you do play a part. Still think that it's bullshit? Ok, I got something for you.

DIAMONDS ARE PIECES OF SHIT! Diamonds are not rare, and have no value outside of the jewelry store.  See, gold, and silver are sound investments because they have other applications besides just decoration. You can buy stock in gold and silver, and therefore you can get money for your investment depending on the rise or fall of the price. For diamonds there is no damn market outside of De Beers. Therefore diamonds are a costly monitory dick in the ass. That doesn't matter though because it's so ingrained in our culture that no matter how much we may be in love if we don't have the right ring it could mean nothing. What do I mean? Well, there was a study done by Vouchercloud that found, among other things, that 53% of people rejected marriage proposals because they didn't think the ring was good enough. Here is the link for the article: http://time.com/3549609/marriage-proposal-rejection-reasons/. Over half of the people? Are you fucking kidding me? So that means that if I don't get the nicest piece of shit piece stone then no matter how much I may love my partner I'll get rejected. And this is during a heart felt proposal. This isn't getting nailed in a truck stop washroom, and then asked. No, this is a sincere question. What do you got to do to prove that you love that person besides be the one to actually force a child to mine the diamond, and cut their arm off? Do you need to sell your kidney to pay Peter Gabriel to serenade the two of you with the song "In Your Eyes?" Seriously, think about it.  Just remember all these things,  and go head and put a ring on it. So remember guys, this Valentine's Day diamond is code for anal. Anal both psychically and metaphorically for the two of you.   



Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN

P.S. Please understand I'm not saying that if you buy a ring then you're a bad person. No, I'm married, and I had bought a diamond ring, but that was before I knew what I know now. The point is that we've been scammed. Plus, there is a bloody history that goes with the stones. Plus, THEY'RE WORTHLESS! Just remember that, and go head and put a ring on it. 

Banish the Snow Flake, and Christ is dead.

This may seem like an over view of an incident that happened this past holiday season, and in part it is, but when you read it I think that you'll see how it ties into the over all chaffing of the topic. So, just bare with me and enjoy.  

You know what really chaffs my nuts? How everybody always bitches about Starbucks. While it's gets really damn annoying to hear about how people can't stand such things as the they're method of cup sizes, the straw that broke the camels back was the whole snowflake on the cup incident and the "war on Christmas". For anyone who hadn't been paying attention people got pissed when Starbucks decided that for this past Christmas they would not have anything like snowflakes on their cup, and instead it would be just red. Well, the person who got pissed was James Earl Feuerstein who declared it was proof of the war on Christmas/Christianity. Yes that supposed on going attack on Christianity which has been refreshed by Joshua Feuerstein, who is 

Joshua kinda looks like a rage full version of Silent Bob
from the movie Clerks.

a media savvy evangelist who basically said that Starbucks was taking the Christmas out of Christmas. In response to the red cup he called on Christians everywhere to go to the coffee chain, order a cup and tell them their name was Merry Christmas. The result being that Merry Christmas would be written on the cup which would break the neutral stance the company had on the holidays. Redonkulass. All that over a paper coffee cup. Again for anyone who has forgotten or just didn't pay attention, there was this huge backlash over the Starbucks deciding not to have snowflakes on their coffee cups. Now it is just a red cup. When the news got out about there was an outcry that the coffee company was killing Christmas because their cup didn't have that kind of precipitation on it. Now I asked myself is a damn snow flake a symbol of Christmas? The answer is ...NO! A snow flake is not a symbol of damn Christmas. And what is the problem with the logo? That is another thing that chaffs me. All the critics say it's a succubus. Well douches it's not, it's a siren. See, a siren was a temptress that lead sailors to their death by luring them so they would shipwreck on the rocky shores of their island. They were described as either being bird or mermaid like depending on the story. The point of the logo was not to suggest the demise of of their customers but rather to suggest the irresistible and seductive quality 

This is a Siren. A kinda mermaid creature, in some myths.

of the coffee. A succubus, on the other hand, was a demonic creature that attacked men sexually (usually) while they were asleep. While the siren logo may not have been the best choice it certainly didn't have to do with sexual assault. There is a big difference between the two, so please do us all a favor and do your research before you run your mouth. Now back to the damn snowflake. 

  What the hell is the issue? Honestly, it's a form of precipitation, not a star which is a fucking ball of burning gas in space. That however, is a symbol of Christianity which for some reason is a bit ridiculous when you think about it. Still the star is mentioned in the story of Jesus' birth, so it means something. Regardless, I wondered what all the fuss was about a red cup, so I found an article in The Washington Post about what symbols are connected to Christmas. The link is bellow, check it out.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/is-this-starbucks-cup-christmasy-enough-a-guide-to-the-secret-meaning-of-holiday-symbols/2015/11/11/a37e41e4-8884-11e5-be8b-1ae2e4f50f76_story.html

 If you've read the article you'd know that the snow flake is not a christian symbol. Anyway, I thought that the snowflake attack on Christmas was bullshit so I went to get a cup of coffee to see if I would suffer any of the old testament plagues. I took a sip of the coffee expecting to enjoy an excellent cup of java, but instead this happened.

I felt it overcome me, consuming my very being, and causing  me to conclude the impossible. I drank the coffee and then Baby Jesus cried. That's right Starbucks, you made baby Jesus cry. That right Starbucks, you killed Christmas! SANTA is dead because of you! NO SANTA! Stay with me! Stay with me! Don't you give up on me. Think of the children. THINK OF THE CHILDREN! NO! Damn you Starbucks! Damn you and your red cup of oppression. 

IT"S YOUR FAULT STARBUCKS! BANISH
 THE SNOWFLAKE, AND CHRISTMAS DIES! THEN
THE WORLD! WHY! WHY!

I tasted the bitter shame of a sinner. That's right, the tears of Baby Jesus had floored me washing away everything leaving only my naked shivering soul. Oh, the pain. I felt his sorrow, and it filled me, like Tara Reid's tummy is filled with vodka and the morning after pill. Oh Lord, Christianity is being torn apart. The world is over, and it's all your fault. You did this you did this! You upset people who think that flamboyancy is a tool of the devil, and that the a paper cup will destroy their faith. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! Do think that Santa ate cookies because they were a treat? NO! He was eating his feeling and now he's dead. LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID! Look at it!

Babies are cry. You made babies cry! Their tears are eroding
 their tiny innocent souls. WHY! WHY! HOW COULD YOU
STARBUCKS? They're just children!

  I get that some are disappointed that Starbucks didn't have a festive cup, but how has that taking Christ out of Christmas? Seriously, and for that matter, would the holy grail have to fucking have snow flakes on it? Would it have to have other Christmassy decorations for  some Christians to accept? 
"That's not the grail! It doesn't have snowflakes, the nativity scene, or Christmas phrase like "let it snow"! Blasphemer! 
It's cool though, and besides there's a replacement, the patrol men's Mecca. That would be Duncan Donuts, and their styrofoam cup that said joy. Yup, that one just personified Christmas. I saw that and I just thought giving, joy, love, selflessness, and Jesus. That's the company that sells lattes too, but nobody there actually know what a latte is. Seriously, you order a latte and they ask you if you want milk. That's what a latte is, espresso with steamed milk. 

I get that some people some people find a lot of aspects of Starbucks to be pretentious, and snobby. I understand the whole size thing, venti sounds yuppie as hell, but seriously, get off Starbucks dick. They're a company selling coffee, not god in the case of the snowflake. 

Seriously, there is a restaurant chain out there called Bojangales'. Yes, I'll repeat that; BO-FUCKIN'-JANGLES'.

A restaurant that is basically named after a racial slur for a black man exists, and no one bitches about that. Instead assholes decide to complain about the branding of the cup sizes at Starbucks, or a fuckin' red cup at Christmas. I mean the only thing missing to make eating there an absolute guarantee of burning in hell would be black face and a water melon patch. And if you don't believe me, and you're saying "if it's an acceptable name for a restaurant then how is it a problem?". I dare you to call the ACLU and ask to talk to Mr. Bojangles. Do it. The number is 212-549-2500. In fact walk away from your computer right now, and go up to a random black dude on the street and call him Bojangles. Go do it. I'll wait right here. Go on, and afterwards write about your experience in the comment section below. Be honest, please? Whatever happened whether it be a beating, cursed out, or a law suit I most definitely know it wasn't good. Why the hell are people ripping at their hair and gnashing their teeth over cup color, or size. It's called branding, or a way to make your product different and stand out. If you don't believe me then have you ever heard of the phrase "super size me"? 

Please, everybody get off Starbucks dick, especially you douche Joshua Feuerstein. They sell high quality coffee (depending on who you talk to anyway), not that swill that delis, and convenience  stores sell. Not that flavored coffee that is pumped full of so much flavor syrup that it tastes like someone ground up pumpkin, spices, and then put it into a dump truck full of aspartame. Then that said someone dumped that pungent blend into a percolator, yeah that horrible coffee.

I get the annoyance, but also almost everybody goes there to get a cup, and the same complaint; it so snobbish. So I got a question, why the fuck you giving them business? It's fucking coffee, not a visit to the D.M.V. , or deciding which mooch to elect for congress. Congress, rich man's welfare recipients. You don't have to do it, unlike the D.M.V. or voting, that is if you want there to be a chance of things changing. Maybe I should say voting is mandatory if you want to hold on to the dream that some of those douchebags who are elected will actually do that. And let me make this clear, especially to you Joshua Feuerstein (the prick who started the whole snowflake thing) Starbucks has not taken Christ out of Christmas, they never have. And as much as Starbucks maybe pretentious it ain't all that bad; it's coffee so stop bitchin'. I could go on but I think I got most of that shit out of my system. So I 'll just leave you with this idea that I just came up with. Christian themed coffee drinks like the Nativuccino. It's an espresso drink with an extra shot of messiah. Chew on that for a while. Until the next

rash, 


Lou Ford




FIN

P.S.

Just a reminder,

Tis' the Season for guilty giving.

Hey, and welcome to another installment of What Really Chaffs My Nuts. I will be posting a Holiday rant soon, but until then I thought I would just give ya a taste of what is to come. So here is something that really chaffs me; those Christmas ads for Zales about diamond jewelry being the best gift that truly shows how much you love your lover. I won't explain it to ya though. I'll let Adam do it for me. Enjoy!

And here is another thing that chaffs me; the bullshit canned food drive that everybody donates to because they feel guilt in this season of giving.

And now for the last thing is this song about the 12 days of Christmas. Enjoy!

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN

Happy Pills!

The Holidays are here, and that means stress. Even more important and debilitating are the resentments that are covered by like cheap presents, with almost transparent holiday cheer. But not to worry, I found a cure. So, read this and find comfort in the possibility of being numb enough to survive the season with out a care in the world. Enjoy!

The holidays are coming, and you know what that means. It means; crisp colorful leaves, cool autumn breezes, thankful gratitude, good food, football, hot chocolate, decorations, snow, presents, and joyous family unity. But let's be honest, do you really enjoy those gathering with those dysfunctional, drunken pricks. How many people's holidays are supposed to be like this:

  Only they turn into this? 

Well don't make that face

And don't rush out to overstock on shotgun shell. No you don't need them yet (yet is the operative word). Not with these Happy Pills we're selling. Divorce The World Happy Pills.  There is no need when you have these. Yes, that's right! No more will you need to deal with the damage inflicted by your family through alcoholism, drug addiction, compulsive shopping or,   awkward sexual encounters at truck stop glory holes with strangers of questionable character. No need in containing and bottling up the rage until one day you literally bludgeon a meter maid to dead with the ticket they issue you for only being a minute over on meter.

 And I mean seriously, who the hell made them god? They're predators, they are. They lie in wait, and then when you're having a bad day, they give you a ticket, for something stupid. To top it off they do it in front of you with a snot nose "talk to the hand" attitude that is so chafing that it literally stupefies you down a few pegs to the point at which you almost swallow your tongue rather than being able to pronounce a syllable. They're fucking god's lit' kidney punches. They are.  You can use these pills  for them too. Actually, scratch  that next time you see one kick em' in the nuts, or the vagina. It feel good, almost like therapy. 

But back to the topic. Family. That's right, the universe's way of reminding you that forced sterilization may not be that bad. 

Maybe forced sterilization is that bad?

Yes? No? Eh? It's hard to say. 

While you may be harping on that idea, just remember that with these pills everything will be fine. Why? Because these sweet, sweet little slices of heaven will change your reality forever. Taking these things is like divorcing the world because once swallowed there are no responsibilities or rules that you need to follow. Hence the name of Divorce The World Happy Pills .

Don't pop bland, chalky pills. YUCKY!!!

No boring, bland pills for you. No not when you can taste the rainbow!
THE RAINBOW BABY!

 Gravity, ha!  You'll be able to fly. Yup that's right gravity won't have shit on you. They 'll make you not care about anything. And it's for a reasonable price, and if it isn't? Just $19.99 for nine pills. It's a steal ( well maybe not, but after taking them, who the hell cares). Who gives a fuck? You won't. You'll have the joyous apathy of a drunken Stalin after a kick ass handy j. I mean the drug formulation contained in these tablets of tingling nirvana make you happily not give a fuck to such an extreme that if Charlie Sheen popped them he say "Hold up. 

I'm done! Take me to rehab".
So remember while the holidays are here, it doesn't mean you have to suffer. Just take the best new coping tool around, a euphoric, "I just don't give a fuck" apathy creating drug. It may suck your soul dry, but it will make the process fun. Just a reminder too, no need to be filled with dread when you can just watch the destructive spiral of dysfunction that is your family up close but at an emotional distant level of gleeful apathy. What could be better than that?

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ORDER! Are you ordering yet? Why the hell are you still reading this ad? GO ORDER! Oh I forgot to give you the number. Call 1-800-THIS-WILL-KILL YOU ON THE INSIDE. 









Until the next rash,



Lou Ford

FIN