Well, not the day itself, or even the purpose of it, but rather what has resulted from it. That result has been this corny, unrealistic expectation of affection. What I mean by that is there is this implied idea that it has to be this perfect, splendiferic day of undying romance that proves that all we need is love, and love will make up for anything. A perfect example of this is the fact that Valentines' Day is the number one day for marriage proposals.
Now that is not a bad thing with the exception of one thing; the "age old" tradition of the engagement ring. Yup, that thing that "If you like it then you should put a ring on it". And the reason why it inflames me is that it's a big scam, big like Minnie Drivers head big, or the black empty void where Rachael Ray's soul is supposed to be. That big. See, the story behind the ring isn't this century old thing, it was a marketing campaign perpetrated by De Beers less than a century ago. The campaign was extremely successful, and now no matter what, if a dude wants to marry his sweetie then he better buy a ring. The girl could just be a torso with nice hair, and if the boy doesn't go through the whole hassle of talking to a jeweler who is only going to be honest with him so far as they can get a hefty price on a piece of clear carbon that is about as rare as pimples on an old Jewish man's ass, then he ain't shit. Yeah, diamonds maybe forever but so are taxes, death, and the time it takes to make sense of most student films. Forever doesn't mean it's worth shit. I mean sure Diamonds are pretty, but in the end they're about as useful as a cape. Plus, here's a bonus, they've (diamonds & De Beers) helped to finance some political movements, and start some kick ass fashion trends. |
| See, child soldiers that had been forced to join rebel groups. Political movements, see look at the good they've done. |
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| And new fashion trends too. How many can say that they have short sleeves for life, huh? Sexy right? |
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| Oh, look metal hooks for hands. There are so many fun things that child could do with them. Pretend to be a robot. "Danger Will Robinson! Danger!". How about being Captain Hook. Ah, fun times, fun times. Thank you De Beers. |
Still to all those who don't care, and are thinking, "how am I responsible? That civil war is over, and it's only a ring". Well, you're right, just like with drugs, buying a bit of coke doesn't mean you're responsible for a drug cartel's brutality. That being said, when a whole fuck load are then yes, you do play a part. Still think that it's bullshit? Ok, I got something for you.
DIAMONDS ARE PIECES OF SHIT! Diamonds are not rare, and have no value outside of the jewelry store. See, gold, and silver are sound investments because they have other applications besides just decoration. You can buy stock in gold and silver, and therefore you can get money for your investment depending on the rise or fall of the price. For diamonds there is no damn market outside of De Beers. Therefore diamonds are a costly monitory dick in the ass. That doesn't matter though because it's so ingrained in our culture that no matter how much we may be in love if we don't have the right ring it could mean nothing. What do I mean? Well, there was a study done by Vouchercloud that found, among other things, that 53% of people rejected marriage proposals because they didn't think the ring was good enough. Here is the link for the article: http://time.com/3549609/marriage-proposal-rejection-reasons/. Over half of the people? Are you fucking kidding me? So that means that if I don't get the nicest piece of shit piece stone then no matter how much I may love my partner I'll get rejected. And this is during a heart felt proposal. This isn't getting nailed in a truck stop washroom, and then asked. No, this is a sincere question. What do you got to do to prove that you love that person besides be the one to actually force a child to mine the diamond, and cut their arm off? Do you need to sell your kidney to pay Peter Gabriel to serenade the two of you with the song "In Your Eyes?" Seriously, think about it. Just remember all these things, and go head and put a ring on it. So remember guys, this Valentine's Day diamond is code for anal. Anal both psychically and metaphorically for the two of you.
Until the next rash,
Lou Ford
FIN
P.S. Please understand I'm not saying that if you buy a ring then you're a bad person. No, I'm married, and I had bought a diamond ring, but that was before I knew what I know now. The point is that we've been scammed. Plus, there is a bloody history that goes with the stones. Plus, THEY'RE WORTHLESS! Just remember that, and go head and put a ring on it.
