Hello again, and welcome to another installment of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". This round I am going to present you with another fortune from a fortune cookie. This has been an idea that I've had for a while. That idea being that along with my usual rants I would write a rant about what I call "fortune cookie wisdom". That would be the title, and along with a fortune from a fortune cookie, there would be a rant about how it annoyed the shit out of me. I figure that rather than just think about it I'd give it try. So, without further a due, another fortune.
Why the fuck are so many of these so damn vague? Seriously, how many obstacles will I be overcoming? What if I've already overcome some of those obstacles? Then what? What will those obstacles be? Will I overcome my fear of public speaking without imaging that everyone in the audience is in their underwear resulting in an anxiety induced boner? Will I overcome the obstacle that is my penis envy? How about the fact that every time I see a woman walk by with big boobs I secretly want a pair of my own so I can play with them whenever I want. You know, give the nipple a squeeze without getting slapped?
What obstacles damn it?!
And why the hell do they have to further trick you by making it sound all fancy saying that it's a cookie with a fortune inside? As a kid I wanted it to be like a chocolate chip cookie that would know all. Taste great when dunked in milk, and gave great advice. Or a psychic Oreo. No, instead they give us this brittle, hollow, yellow, origami crescent roll thing. The damn thing is yellow like hepatitis, or your pee after you've eaten a bunch of multivitamins. The cookie is brittle like toffee, only sweetly bland, and dangerous once broken. That's what we're left with when dealing with Chinese takeout; an MSG headache, and a fraudulent dessert that is capable of fatally cutting the roof of our mouths when being eaten. Inside that cookie is a piece of paper with our future written on it that if swallowed would be so toxic we'd be tripping balls for a week. With that I will leave you. Don't worry the next entree will be something a little more meaty. I promise. Until the next rash.
Lou Ford
FIN
