What would you do for your insulin?

You know what really chaffs my nuts? Do you really know what chaffs my nuts? Game shows; the new ones, not the old ones. The new ones, and that includes the reality TV ones like Project Runway and the Bachelor. I mean I hate them. But then I thought of something. Everybody is having these huge debates about health care so I got an idea. See, I saw one of those "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" commercial, and I got to thinking why not make obtaining prescriptions, and approval for medical procedures fun.


Why not do something like "What would you do for your insulin?". How about "Wheel of Valtrex" or how about for a board game called "The Game of Gonorrhea"? For another board game we could have "AIDS Monopoly"? There are so many options. By the way here is some fun that can be had with Type 2 Diabetes:

I thought about it some more, and I thought why not make it interesting for the elderly folks as well. Why not have something like "Hip Replacement Bingo". It could also be just "Medical Procedure Approval Bingo". That name is a bit long but you get the premise. See what I'm saying? We could take something that is potentially a national tragedy and turn it into fun. I mean our nation used to have draft raffles, so why not do the same only have there be a bigger payoff. Oh and before I forget; instead of the "Newly Wed Game" it could be "The Newly Infected Game". Are you offended? Well, just think about it for a moment.

I mean with all the obesity, heart disease, and type 2 diabetes I just figured we could either make our demise a little more interesting than laughing at the fat kid waddling home from school. It's either that or finding a way for America as a whole to become healthier. The chances of that happening are about as slim as removing glow sticks ecstasy rollin' ravers. How about as slim a chance as Richard Gere being able to live down the gerbil rumor.

I mean how could you possible live down a rumor about a rumor of a sex act that involves a gerbil tub, a live gerbil, lube, and your ass. I mean seriously how do you explain that to a doctor? Do you roll up discretely in a limo, and then waddle (or limp) into the E.R. and tell them what? Tell them that the heat had been turned off in your apartment and you were just trying to keep your best friend warm? How about that it's your child, but it's just a birth defect? What about telling the doctor that you were just following orders and the small creature inside of you, well he's the one in charge? Seriously? Anyone got an answer? When you do let me know.
Back to the subject at hand; how else can health care be made fun? What are other ways that we can make health care fun for the whole family? While there are so many ways, but I want to keep this fairly short. So, here is my last idea. Ready? My last idea is a game called Kevorkian Roulette. Kevorkian as in Dr. Kevorkian. If you don't know who he is then Google him. The game is just like Russian Roulette only it involves euthanasia. It would be played like this; there could be several IVs with one containing poison while all the others contain saline. Now you would take several terminally ill patients and they would take turns being hooked up to each IV, and the one who dies first loses. What is the reward, rather the prize? The winner gets all the medical treatment they need free of charge. Or maybe the prize is death. The one who puts himself out of his misery first wins. Either way it just depends on your perspective. So with that I will leave you.


Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN            

What Christmas is really all about.

Hello again, and welcome to another episode of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". This one isn't one where I'm gonna rant, but instead I'm just going to show you what I think Christmas means to us these days. Observe: 

So, for right now I'll wish you a happy holidays.


Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN

Hi. Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? Well, actually who? This guy:

There are so many things that I could say about this, but I think I'll leave it to South Park first. Take it away Tray and Matt.

 The reason why I say this is because of this:

Girlfriend to deputies: George Zimmerman pointed a shotgun at me

That was the headline from Florida Newspaper the Orlando Sentinel. Here is the link: George Zimmerman arrested for domestic violence - Orlando Sentinel. And there's this two from the magazine "The Week".

What was deal was that Zimmerman had been arrested after a domestic dispute occurred where apparently George Zimmerman had threatened his girlfriend with a shotgun. When authorities arrived he had barricaded himself in the home that his girlfriend and he were sharing after his divorce. So, now while he was released he has to stay away from his girlfriend, surrender all of his fire arms, and wear a satellite monitor. 

Ok, so I lied. I do got a little to say. The one question I got is why the hell would you after being the center of a contrives that had the potential to have worse consequences than The Rodney King trails, and Ben Affleck possibly playing batman, why would you still find ways to thrust yourself into the media spot light. Seriously? Getting pulled over several time, and then being involved in a previous domestic dispute with your ex-wife and her father. A dispute that involves of all things, but the exact thing that gotten you in trouble the first place, a firearm. And yes, George did help a family that had gotten into a car accident, but still two domestic violence incidents that involve guns. I mean George has become the walking poster child for irresponsibility gun ownership. he's kinda going the way of O..J. post murder trial only he never had a promising career. He was just some hack of wanna-be-cop with a nice little stock pile of firearms that he could use to be a hero. Tracking down a teen who was walking home, and then killing him is an honorable thing I got to say. That's like holding up a 7-11 on Christmas Eve, and then wishing the cashier a Happy Holiday. How about taking the already existing phrase "That's Hot" claiming it as your own, and then trying to patient it. How about being a politician who swears up and down that you love equality, but then taking almost every step short of setting a barricade to stop minorities from voting. And for that matter just being a politician.

You know how they say in Hollywood you don't go to jail for killing your wife, you just the pay a really big fine. Well the same applies here. The soothing of a paranoid suburban community was worth the life of a black kid. It's kinda like Charlie Sheen. Sure he abuses every woman he's ever come into contact with. I mean so his sons are sociopaths in training, but hey, that's the price you pay for "Two And Half Men". How about Walmart? I mean they rip off their employees and the overseas slave labor they employ, but they hire veterans. It's all good.

The good news is it ain't all bad. George has a friend. Check this out:

See, George has got a friend. See Zimmerman, you got a friend a friend in a fellow gun owner who shoot a young African American. I think it would be nice to tell him that. We should tell that jackass that.

But seriously, before I sign off let us look at that picture responsible gun owner ship.

And just for fun here's another stellar example of  steadfast gun ownership. Ready for this one:

IT"S TED NUGENT!

               Look at it and think about it.

Until the next rash,



Lou Ford.

FIN

Judge Judy

Hello, and welcome again to another episodes of sorts of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". While I am preparing another post, I wanted you to just remember that in our nation this is simple truth. 

Yup, that rights, Judge Judy is more appealing than anybody else. That is the simple reality for all those daytime TV viewers. She is of utmost importance along with all those hens (the women) posing as hosts from "The View". Think about it. 

Until the next rash, 

Lou Ford

FIN

Hello again my friends, and now it;s time for another installment of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? Well, check this out: 

A friend of mine made me aware of this video, Alison Gold's "Chinese Food", and its popularity; so I checked it out. I hate myself for it. Yes, this is the most disgusting thing I've seen next to Mickey Rourke's face at any time during his existence. I mean just look at his face. Just do it just for a second. Scroll down and look. 

You'll probably only stare at it for as long as you watched that shitty exploitative, corny music video. And Bruce Jenner's face. That thing is a horrible, horrible monstrosity of human face. It's (Bruce's) face looks like a sideways face lifted vagina that's been stretched over an elderly man's bony knee cap. But I'll  move on. 

That song was more of a waste of time than trying to open a bag of Chex Mix. You can't open one of those things without a fucking blow torch and a concrete saw. "Tear Here" my ass. You use your teeth and you end up chip a tooth. Then as you scream and curse at General Mills,  you try to cut the bag open only instead you slice off your finger. The blood pours out, spurting on the kitchen counter, and pooling on the floor. Attempting to stop the bleeding you almost slip on the crimson pool below you. Then the door bell rings and as you begin to suffer from shock you answer the door in hopes of getting help, however you discover it's girl scouts from the local troop selling those delicious cookies. The tragic result is that the little girls become so traumatized by the episode that they drop out of school. Then they become alcoholics, or drug addicts, and start working at a fast food drive in windows. 

The only job worse than that is a cashier at the store "Spencer's". "Spencer's",  ewww! 

But seriously, that song made me want to give myself a colonoscopy with a garden hose and a camcorder. Why? Simple, that pain would have distracted me from the pain of my soul slowly being murdered by just the melody of that tune. It's about Chinese food, why the fuck should we care? Really? The only problem is that once the video started I found myself becoming so enraged that I wanted nothing more than to have Alison Gold (the star of the video) be shanghaied and forced to make poorly made products that will be sold in the West. Even better, if she had been made into the "ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chow mein" she loved so much. That chow mein thing was a line from the song by the way. Then I got over my rage, but only for a minute. Why? Well, because the next thing that they present to you is a fucking black guy in a panda suit. 

 Yeah, a slightly skinner version of Fat Albert takes off the Panda head and begins to sing. Actually, he's more of a fat Usher.

It was an abomination. It still isn't nearly as bad as black face, but it's close. Plus, it injected a creepy vibe that made the song much more disturbing. A grown man in a panda suit playing Monopoly with a bunch of little girls he has no relation to, that's unnerving. 

 I'm sorry, but under any other circumstance he'd have to register as a sex offender. But, stepping away from that concept, the song just plain sucks ass. Seriously it does. And then the strange man had a pillow fight with the little girls.

     

Now I know that you think I'm racist because of the whole black guy in a panda suit thing. However,  let me make this clear, any adult who is in a panda suit hanging out with prepubescent girls on their free time is creepy. In this case it's like seeing R. Kelley use a unisex bathroom at "Chuck E. Cheese". And besides the whole damn video is racist.       

So to sum this all up, having seen this I have only one reaction. This:

Until the next rash,



Lou Ford

FIN

Hello, and welcome to another episode of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts".

I didn't put in an entry for Halloween due to school, and a medical issue, but I didn't want to miss the opportunity to at least wish everyone a Happy Be-lated Halloween. Though I am not a big fan of Halloween, I still enjoyed this short cartoon. I hope you do too.

Until the next rash,



Lou Ford

FIN

Hello again, my fellow abraded victims, check this out:

Isn't that great! a mascot for a prison so children won't just understand that criminals are human, but now they can see their cuddly side. Sure, Chester's (the child molester) catch phrase was "Hey little boy do you want some candy" which was then followed by a rag of chloroform. Then that was followed by a sweaty, sticky, wrestling match on a urine stained mattress, but he wrote a song for his mother's birthday. He knitted a blankly for his nephew, and sleeps with a night light. I mean I get it. I get it. I get the fact that the world is scary and that we do need to teach our kids about the truths of those dangers including the fact that those of us who are monsters still are in fact human. But in all honesty do we really have to go that far? A mascot for a prison? I mean in the States we had a character on Sesame Street who was a hobos who lived in a garbage can (Oscar The Grouch).

 Right now we got a cute, lovable mongoloid puppet who's a junkie (that would be the Cookie Monster).

Shit, the same program has a character who has AIDS. Her name is Kami.

Yes, the disease that Conservatives and born again Christians refer to as god's punishment for the homosexuals, and harlots (aka god's equalizer for the non-believers).  But like I said, do people really have to take it that far. A mascot that if nothing else will actually help to lore children to their death because, I mean, the dude who represents the thugs is basically a fucking teletubbie with a psychopathic under belly. In others words he'd teach the kids to count to ten while raping and murdering their moms. Isn't that fun boys and girls? I mean he's a mascot for a prison, how sweet and innocent can he be?
I don't get it, but then again we're talking about people who are absolutely mad about cartoons that involve 15 year old school girls being fucked by many tentacles monsters. So I guess in that case it's all relative. Still do you really think a cuddly mascot is necessary to really change the image of criminals? Seriously? That's like turning prison raping, wife beating Mike Tyson into a cute fuzzy-wazzy kitty cat. No matter how you dress it, the fact still remains that it is still a lethal creature. Just the Japanese made this one, like many of their others characters, with fur and cute little pointy ears. A Pokemon that's probably carrying a shiv. He'll stab the shit outta ya, but all you'll wanna do is give him a hug.  
Seriously?    



Well, that all being said I think I'll say bye-bye.

So until the next rash,

Lou Ford

FIN  

Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? The shit down below. Just read it. 

So, the people who were watching the pageant had gotten angry that a non-white girl from Dallas, Texas hadn't won. They had gotten pissed off that a non-JonBenet Ramsey looking blonde who was a good Christian so her only lover was Jesus hadn't gotten the tiara.  That had gotten them so hot under the collar that they felt the need to actually waste time on twitter flinging insults at the winner. Their nuts were almost as chaffed as mine. Can you believe it? Now all that rage about a pageant sounds pretty pathetic, but maybe before we make that judgement call let us examine, and then review. First off what exactly is the Miss America pageant? Well, the pageant is nothing more than a scholarship program. Yeah, that's right. Not an office that gives unlimited access to our nations tweens. It's not an election to a higher office, or some political position that gives the winner a huge amount of clout. No, it's for scholarships. In laymen's terms it's money for  school. So, what does that mean? Well, for all you fuckin' Mensa members out there that means that the winner and the runner ups receive some sort financial aid for basically dancing horribly choreographed routines, swim suit competitions, and shity talent portions that are two steps up from the free drink coupon Thursdays at the local strip club. So, basically there's T&A followed by a middle school talent show. That's really the makings for move makers and role models. I mean wouldn't you say that. It something that Amanda Bynes could win. I'm not talking  about Nickelodeon's sweet funny girl. Oh no, the wig wearing, drug induced psychosis suffering, I got a smushed gummy bear in my pants and I ate it, one. 

Having gone over that here is the next thing to ask yourself. You ready? I just want to make sure you are. The question is who the hell cares? Seriously. After that win the new Miss New York will be forgotten. She'll pop up here and there maybe, but over all we ain't gonna hear shit about her. Why? Because she's fucking Miss America, and her symbolic significance equates to that of condoms for quadriplegics. Her positions matters about as much as public lice at the Jersey Shore. Plus, just think about this; the pageant is held in Atlantic City. Atlantic City. That's Las Vegas' red headed step child. In other words it's held there because nobody really gives a fuck. 

When you read all the tweets that call Miss America an Arab, or "Miss 9/11" it becomes a little confusing because she isn't an Arab. I know! Oh My God! But she has dark, brown skin and speaks with some sort of weird accent that the guy at 7/11 has. Did you see her name? Now you tell me that it doesn't mean box cutter, or suicide bomber, or death to America in whatever hebgeby language those terrorist speak. Well, here's the surprise. She's Indian. I'll let that set in. Indian, and American born. OMG! 

Here's a little advice for those who decided that if it's tan it's taliban. Do the research. You got plenty of time to tweet, and watch reality TV, but to Google anything with exception of something stupid is impossible. Indians for the most part aren't even close to the same race as Arabs. In fact, and here is something that will throw you for a loop, being an arab doesn't equate to being Muslim. Being Muslim doesn't equal evil. Wow! In the middle East which is a fair distance from India, there are Europeans if you will. The Term Aryan does hold some historic truth. They are Indo-Europeans. Plus with colonization, white blood lines are in place. So please, do us all a favor and I say this with the utmost respect, please stop reminding everyone all the fuckin' time that 9/11 changed everything. We know. Instead of focusing on a Sand something person, why not focus on hunger in America, women's rights, health care, or gun control. Hey, how about this, everybody complains about immigration so here's something to think about. We as a nation are the second highest consumers of the illegal sex trade. Germany comes in first. Yeah, we're second. So all you fellas out there who bitch about illegals, and then on their lunch break go to get a happy ending at the Thai massage parlor should think about the fact that in many cases you are helping to make the illegal situation worse. That girl could have been trafficked in, and forced to please your pale ass.   How about being concerned about this:                  

Or this shit down bellow.

This law is great we got the fucking visually impaired packing heat. Oh yeah, that's gonna turn out great. No casualties from that law. That makes about as much sense as flavoring cought syrup. I don't care what you say, cherry or grape, all that sugar can't coverup the fact that I'm forcing down some chemical with an ungodly taste that reminds me of eating pixy stix laced with windex. Don't lie to me. If I want lies I'll watch Foxnews, or porn.

That being said I'll let you go. Until the next rash.



Lou Ford

FIN

    

This isn't a rant about "What Really Chaffs My Nuts", but it is something to brighten you day. 

Let's be honest life is cruel. It a life sucking abyss of a bitch whose swirling blackness slowly sucks the life out of you until you are an empty vessel that holds flesh and blood. Flesh and blood, but nothing else. It drains your essence till you're so vacant that when you see your own reflection it at laughs at you in hysterical malevolence. From it filthy, disgusting, stagnant puddle of back alley parasite infested  gutter water, it laughs at you. To put it simply life is a mean vicious bitch, but there is a silver lining. That bright spot is at least you weren't one of those gullible douches who actually believed in the head line above. The whole "Holy milk" thing. So when life gets bad just remember your a step up in the world. Jizz isn't a creamy version of the Holy Grail. Things are all good in the hood. 

Now if your one of those folks, well, your fucked. I mean lets face it, game over. That's it. There's not much left is there. Stop trying to pretend that each day is a new adventure 'cause you just got down on your knees to receive communion the way of the alter boys. Really, there ain't much left. 

Well, that's just about it. The next time you feel bad just remember this, and smile while the nurse takes out the catheter.   

Until till the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN

Check this out:

So, I guess that you could look at it this way; sure you may get raped, robbed, murdered, burglarized. I mean you could become fatally ill from a fleshing eating bacteria from the severed limb of a former motor industries employee that results in a sky rocketing career as a blues musician named "Stubs McCain". In fact maybe that said hand might come back to life like Thing from The Adams Family, and in an attempt to find its owner attacks you. All those things could happen to you, but just remember one thing. The one thing to remember is that while all those horrible things may have happened, the house that it happened in... you got for a steal. Doesn't that make things all worth while?     

This is What Really Chaffs My Nuts:

There are expiration dates on bottled water? It's water in a bottle, seriously a date to sell the product by? Are you kidding me? What next expiration dates on potting soil? Best if sold by this date or else it will turn, well, into dirt. And that liquid in the bottle pictured up there is water. It's water. There's a date. What the Fuck?! 

Until the next rash,

Lou Ford

FIN

Hi, everybody and welcome to another edition of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". So here is what really chaffs my nuts:

You know why this chaffs my nuts? You know why? Well, it's cause if that was the case then don't include in the warning that the best way to avoid serious injury is to not play football. Wait, forget not including the warning, just don't sell the damn product. See, most people know that for decades such things as cigarettes were not known to cause cancer and other diseases. When those consequences were discovered the companies had hidden those facts and even convinced customers that smoking might even be good for their health. The warning on a pack of smokes while seemingly stupid really does serve a purpose. That shit presented above, however,  is almost an insult to our intelligence. Man has know ever since the beginning of time that if you hit someone hard they get hurt. That's why many sports involve pads. The reason why soldiers and law enforcement officers wear ballistic vests is 'cause weapons can hurt you. I'd like to ask corporations to do us a favor and leave more stupid ass warning on their products. Shitty warning on such things as antidepressants that reads "The best way to avoid depression is not to get sad". How about that one assholes?
Seriously, this is a perfect example of irony at it's fucking core. Well, that and burning your house down with stress relief candles. What the fuck?
And that is what really chaffs my nuts.


Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN    

Everyone is always so focused on threats to our national security, so I thought I'd show you this to maybe help put things in perspective.

Yes the NRA had awarded a lifetime membership to an impulsive 8-year-old. Just think about that shit for a sec. Fucked up right? Right? And you were worried about the terrorists.  HA!

Until the next rash,

Lou Ford

The next installment of What Really Chaffs My Nuts will be posted in the next couple of days. Until then here is Seamus from Family Guy singing a jaunty sea shanty from his boyhood.   

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford.

Worry about Steven

Welcome to another episode of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? This bullshit:

U.S. lawmakers meet Russian officials, with help from actor Steven Seagal.

But first this:

 Now putting aside all the bullshit about the whole "Conquering hero" and morale excuse for war crimes, do we really need to encourage our(U.S.) armed forces to patron brothels? Fucking seriously? Haven't we already seen enough gags dealing with asian women prostituting themselves to American soliders saying "Hey solider boy, you girlfiend vietnam?'. I mean the residents on the island of Okinawa already blew a fucking gasket due to the something like 5,634 crimes committed by U.S. Military personal in 25, murders, 306 assaults, and127 rapes among other things. The whole rape thing sounds familiar. It would be Mike Tyson's wetdream, that is if he didn't have to follow orders, and do things like that thing you do with your hands when your in the presence of a superior officer. You know that thing where you raise the flat of your hand to your forehead and then extend it out. What it's called, oh a salute. That and the impulse he would have to prison shower rape every other private who was weaker than him. Kinda like how the Air Force Training Officers have been conducting themselves.

 In case anybody has forgotten, the U.S. Air Force has recently had to deal with one of it's biggest sex scandals to date, hence the political cartoon below. Observe:

What had 

happened was that on a base in San Antonio Air Force base, training officers, like Staff Sgt. Luis Walker had raped at least 11 trainees under his command. He's pictured below as well. 

Now the sad thing is the crimes have been committed by many Training Officers since 2009, with many others that may have occurred unreported due to the very real fact of the consequences the victims faced. As one victim said, "How am I supposed to report my rape to my superior when my superior is the one who raped me?". So far though, something like 62 trainees have been identified as victims from Lackland Air Force Base. 32 Training have been charged. Most of the victims were woman, but men can be raped too. Amazing huh? How can that be? I thought that homoerotic inspired violence only occurred in prison, the Catholic church, bible camp, and Turkish baths but maybe we were wrong.    

Now if comedy is all about timing then the Japanese politician's statement has made this priceless. Of all the times to encourage the use, and possible abuse women it's in the midst of a crisis such as this. It's like BP Oil Company encouraging consumers to purchase their fuel while attempting to clean up an oil spill, or  like arguing the right to purchase and own assault style weapons right after a school shooting/mass murder where such a fire arm was used.  

Maybe something funner would be to have Chris Brown, or Charlie Sheen make a public service announcement about domestic violence. By the way there are two guarantees for Charlie Sheen. They are that when he wakes up he's gonna need more drugs, and that the person next to him in bed is a dead hooker or Lindsay Lohan. 

By the way this is meant to poke fun at these issues, it's fucking humor, get over some of it. 

Here's some shit that you should be more concerned about: .

1. Steven Seagal has become part of a government task force that went to Russia in part to help fight Islamic extremism. 

2. Steven Seagal has become part of a government task force that went to Russia in part to help fight

Islamic extremism. 

3. Is below:

4. The surviving Boston Marathon bomber, Dzhokhar, has fans. People are donating money to help pay for his legal defense. I just have to ask one question. Just one question, why the fuck are we surprised by that fact? Why? because he's Eastern European, or a Muslim? By the way, not all Muslims are terrorist. How about because he's a white Muslim? Charles Manson had, and probably still does have a following. He convinced a group of lost misfits to mutilate the corpse a murdered pregnant woman.
I met a tween who had absolutely  no idea who Mike Tyson was save that he was a boxer, and that he was cool because he was in the first "The Hang Over", and he has a facial tattoo that's sexy. Forget about the rape, domestic violence, and the intellect of a seven year old. What we're talking about here are tween girls who fall in love with spiked hair, cheap fucking aviator sun glasses, and a damn pleather jacket. The hottie wearing the accessories could have been feasting on the flesh of a freshly murdered innocent but damn he'd still be cute. Yeah, that's what we got as the future generation, and you were worried about the rest of the fucking world. HA!

But we got off track. The good news now I guess is that since the allegations of those rapes in the Air Force, and the increase in sexual assaults in the other branches of the Armed Forces have come to light the result has been that top military leaders have/are being grilled by the Senate Armed Services Committee.

Of course, just like any other congressional hearing,  everyone accused and involved is going to get off scott free. Why? Because they're considered important, if not vital to leading and maintaining our military infrastructure. So while some low ranking trainee is victimized maliciously by the individual who's job it is to ensure their safety and trust, those who encourage those incidents to be swept under the rug will still continue to go on with a fairly untarnished reputation. Think Laura Bush only significant.
By the way, Steven Seagal went to Russia in part to help fight radical Islam. This is the Guy who if we all had our own personal theme music his would be The Vapors "Turning Japanese".

That's like taking a parenting seminar taught by Woody Allen and his daughter-wife. Just think about it. While your doing that watch this:

Until the next rash,




Lou Ford.

FIN 

Sorry

Hi. It's Lou Ford, and I would like to apologize for the wait. There have been some delays on my "editors end". Yes, I know it's hard to believe a hack like me having a proof reader, but yes I actually do have someone who is willing to read my jumble of words that at best forms semifunctional, semi-rational strung together thoughts. They're kinda like christmas tree lights, one loose bulb and the whole thing becomes useless. So, it looks like closing down shop may take a little longer than expected, so you'll have to suffer a little longer. But don't fret, I present for your entertainment pleasure "The Whitest Kids You Know" and their skit about strip clubs.
  

See, you could describe my writing as being just about as pointless as that skit. Sure it maybe funny but  in the end who really cares. It's like that trophy you got when you were in little league just for participating. Sure the coach may have made you warm the bench but without your presence the team couldn't have kept up it loosing streak. GO TEAM!  

Anyway, that being said it will take a couple more days before there will be another "What Really Chaffs My Nuts" entree. So, for those who like this blog you got one extra episode. 

Enjoy.

Until the next rash

Lou Ford. 

FIN 

P.S.

I know my writing is horrific, and this will prove as no exception. Take pleasure in all it's imperfection.  

Hey this is Lou Ford. I'm just writing you guys, the few follows that I may have, to tell you that there will be about five more episodes of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts" before the blog will be closed down.

 So enjoy it while you can. If you have any comments, criticism, or whatever give it to me.



Until the next rash,




Lou Ford.

FIN 

Hello. Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? Do you really want to know?

WELL I'm gonna tell ya. You see that picture of that traffic sign? It's a sign that means exactly what you think it means.
"Wait For Green Light".
 The sign is at a traffic signal, you know those things that shine lights of different color. Red means stop, yellow means slow down, and green means go. See that sign which is hanging next to a traffic signal, is on a main drag. Now the damn thing isn't like one of those school zone flashing light ones that only light up when the kids are dismissed from school, and they don't want you to run over a kid. Damn annoying things those signs. Why do we need them? I mean how else are we gonna get our kids to be active in this age of fucking technology? Why give them the choice when you can just scare them into moving by the threat of their young, new flesh being crushed and ripped under a couple thousand pounds of metal, plastic, and rubber. And just think of how much it would help them with test taking. Little Johnny isn't worried about that math test this afternoon, he's worried about the two blocks he's got to sprint while his mother chases him in the soccer mobile before going home. I once again am joshing you, so apply that ointment to keep your nuts from chaffing.
But seriously the sign pictured there is for everyone, all the time, all four seasons of the year. It's kinda like one of those warning labels on cans of arasol sprays that tell you to use it only in well ventilated area because it's toxic. The sad thing is that while not everyone reads the warning labels on the back of aerosol sprays, even the dumbest douche knows the purpose of a traffic signal. You know how you can tell? Easy.  Everybody out there who runs a light knows  the importance of their purpose because when they run it they check to see if there's a cop around. And when they do get pulled over they always use the same excuse, "The light was yellow", or "Come on give me a  brake, I'm late for work". Everybody gets pissed when they get pulled over for running a light or a stop sign, that is until they or someone they know is the victim of an accident caused by someone else running a light, and then they are out raged.  Ironic isn't it. Anyway, the fact that a sign like that is hanging up at a traffic signal means one thing; obviously for many people a red light is just a goddamn suggestion.

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN

Hey, this Lou Ford, and know what really chaffs my nuts? The many animated facial expressions  of Joan Rivers.


Observe:

Joan Rivers' O-face. 

Joan Rivers Happy.

Joan Rivers Sad.

Joan Rivers surprised.

Joan Rivers Angry. 

Joan Rivers Dead.

I mean does anybody actually even know if she is still alive? Is she still breathing, or have a pulse? Seriously, is her daughter so obsessed, and lonely that she preserves her mother's body with fabric softener, so that way she'll never leave her. Is there a bath tube  filled with Downy in the basement where it's nice and cool? Anybody, anybody got anything? Anybody?

Well until the next rash, Lou Ford FIN

It's Martha Stewart post federal penitentiary. Isn't she elegant.

It'll the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN

All right so here is what really chaffs my nuts. Kim and her sister Kourtney Kardashian

 had a contest on a recent episode of whatever god for saken abomination of a TV show they star in, to see whose Vagina smelled better. They fucking took a sanitary napkin, whipped their pussies with it, and then had their sister Klhoe smell the napkin and make the decision. They made millions. Right now, we have people starving in our country, an economy that is still in the shitter, a huge debate over the ban of assault weapons, and the ever growing possibility that there could be the slightest chance that North Korea may someday have the capability to fire a nuclear missile at our nation. However, this is the shit we care about. WHAT THE FUCK! These three are the daughters of the man who helped O.J. Simpson skate by on a double homicide, and yet we still feel the need to watch these over pampered, living in a world with no consequences, karma is for poor people brats. Seriously they made millions from a twenty three minute stretch of ungodliness about the funk that bellows from their nether regions. And in a couple of years we maybe pulling out the Bert the Turtle from the

cold war archives to teach our children how to survive a thermonuclear attack. But these fuck wads will be more significant than the resurgence of the popularity of fallout shelters. It's kinda like Bing Crosby; he'd punch his kids right in the face for not eating their string beans, but it's okay cause could he sing.  Boy, could he sing.

Oh, by the way here's the new propaganda poster that has been unveiled in North Korea:

Until the next rash, 

Lou Ford

FIN

Hi. This Lou Ford. What I am about to present to you may be seen as being old, but late than never.
So, it time for "What Really Chaffs My Nuts".

Do you know who really chaffs my nuts? I mean like causes a weird red, itchy, pus inducing when scratched rash; the kind that when the doctors see it they get so freaked out that they vomit. Then the doctor has to travel overseas to meet with a doctor who has experience with such an affliction only to find out that it's worse than some kind of jock itch, but actually an alien parasitic creature that is devouring you slowly. Don't mistake it for some skin irritation, it's an alien form of jock itch. The kind you'd expect to find on one of the Predator alien's (from the film "Predator") nut sack. That is if they had them; we'll never know. One of life's great mysteries. Well, that's what this person who really chaffs my nuts is. Who is this person? It's none other than the CNN reporter "Poppy" Harlow.

 Yes, she (the blond over there) is the reporter who famously acted like a total bitch by expressing her sympathy for the two Steubenville, Ohio high school rapist who raped an unconscious 16 year old girl and then documented and shared it on social media. She said that she couldn't help but feel sympathetic toward the two boys who had their lives ruined by a harsh justice system. Now I get that it's tragic in the sense that the two hicks had a chance to do more then work as clerks at the local 7-11 or whatever convenience store there is in that town, but that still doesn't change the fact that they raped someone. That they took advantage of someone who was vulnerable just because. The one thing that I don't get is if those two fuck wades were so highly regarded due to being on the football team, why the fuck would you go for the drunk unconscious girl? I mean aren't there pretty cheerleaders who suffer from such low self esteem that they'd attempt to pleasure the asphyxiated corpse of David Carradine if they thought they'd get a compliment,( by the way that was humor, or an attempt at it). Instead they go for the unresponsive girl. Explain to me how that would get your rocks off? I thought the whole idea of getting laid was the fun; the fun of hearing the other person moan your name as well as God's. I mean if your so great wouldn't you want the girl to brag? Wouldn't you want to fucking gloat, even if the shit was a lie? However, those assholes decided that the best thing to do was to have a clumsy grope feast with a girl who might have died from choking on her vomit? I'm sorry, but I just gotta know what exactly was involved in the decision making process of going for an animated person and a "dead fish"?
"Hum, a b.j. from Susie Needs-validation, or the passed out, dead weight, sandbag of a girl over there?"
Is it really that hard of a question?
But just in case I'm not making myself clear, putting aside all the dark, offensive humor; THE TWO BOYS RAPED SOMEONE! They got what they deserved, in fact they probably should have gotten a harsher sentence. What really sucks is that all those other students who documented the assault aren't really going to get shit. But anyway, back to fucking "Poppy" over here. I would have to say that that she has given CNN, an already shit news source, the credibility of the Discover card. You know, it's the credit card that most business men would rather accept four live chickens then it. It's the one that even 900 numbers won't take. It's the preferred card of dead beat dads cause they can't actually use it to pay for anything, but it looks good to the judge that he's trying.
"Poppy" here is almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray, or Britney Spears. You know, using her kids head as an ashtray kinda horrible(that was Britney). I guess the bullet point of this rant is that the victim in some cases doesn't receive the sympathy they deserve for being victimized. That girl never asked to be violated, and then have to suffer the further humiliation of having the incident broadcast for all to see. However, it is excusable for her to be forgotten or rather the violation against her forgotten. "Poppy" should in my opinion apologize for what she had said. Moving on.

Oh, by the way when you treat someone like they're God's gift to humanity, in the case of the Ohio rape case, you might get something like this:

These two wondrous examples of normal childhood development are Johnny and Luther Htoo, and they were the leaders of an armed Christian militia that was against the government of Burma( rather Myanmar now). The two chain smoking youngsters were believed to have mystical powers, and that they were in command of hundreds of invisible soldiers along with their already existing forces. These little fucks ran a muck armed to the teeth causing all sorts of mischief and mayhem. Delusional, gun totting, chain smoking children: every mothers dream come true.
It's either that or fucking Lindsay Lohan.

         Take your pick. Until the next rash.


Lou Ford

FIN

I'm Lou Ford, and I present to you "The Fate Of All Of John Travolta's Masseurs".

Until the next rash. 




Sincerely, 

Lou Ford

FIN