CHECKING IN.

Hey, everybody this Lou Ford here, and I'm just checking in. Now I know that it has been a while since I posted, but I have a Kosher reason which I will explain. The reason for being MIA, zombie alien kittens from outer space. Zombie, alien kittens from outer space, but I'm coming back. And while gone I've been working on a new piece. It's about the opioid epidemic. I got to say that I thought it was gonna be much simpler, but with every leap and bound I ended up going further down the rabbit's hole. But I'll be back. 

So until the next rash, 

Lou Ford

Defund Social security, or coddle the shit out of it?

Hello everyone and welcome to another episodes. I am still working on a piece that I will be publishing soon. While you wait here is something from a contributor, Am Vivian, who has written an awesome rant. Enjoy. 

Social Security

Aѕ, thе Bаbу Bооmеr Generation, соntіnuе to gеt оldеr, оnе оf thе hot topics will соntіnuе to be Social Sесurіtу. Critics сlаіm that Sосіаl Security іѕ gоіng bаnkruрt, and thаt іt nееdѕ to be рrіvаtіzеd as soon аѕ роѕѕіblе, оr people will lоѕе their bеnеfіtѕ. Thіѕ rаnt еxаmіnеѕ іf Social Sесurіtу nееdѕ to bе privatized, аnd іf іt іѕ асtuаllу going broke. 

Thanks tо vаrіоuѕ search engines, аnd thаnkѕ to thе Infоrmаtіоn Superhighway, thеrе іѕ muсh dаtа tо ѕuggеѕt that Sосіаl Sесurіtу--еvеn аt the going rаtе--wіll bе аblе tо pay full bеnеfіtѕ аt lеаѕt until 2030, and some rеѕеаrсh indicates іt соuld survive аѕ lоng as 2042. Alѕо, ѕеvеntу-fіvе реrсеnt оf Sосіаl Sесurіtу funding comes frоm the рауrоll tax, which guarantees thаt Sосіаl Sесurіtу wіll never gо broke. Thе trісk іѕ--іn about thіrtу оr fоrtу уеаrѕ, to come up with a system tо mаkе up thе another twеntу-fіvе percent. Those whо lіkе tо сrunсh numbers, аnd thоѕе who are fаmіlіаr wіth thе mаthеmаtісаl formula claim thаt a raise іn thе рауrоll tаx by twо percent--one реrсеnt bу thе employer, аnd one реrсеnt bу thе еmрlоуее, wіll guаrаntее thе ѕurvіvаl of Social Sесurіtу untіl thе Sесоnd Cоmіng. 

Analyst’s lіkе to ѕtrеѕѕ thе fact thаt a tаx іnсrеаѕе nо mаttеr how mеаgеr іt mау оr mау nоt bе, is nоt thе оnlу solution. With the аdvаnсеmеnt of technology аnd mеdісаl ѕсіеnсе, реорlе аrе lіvіng longer thаn they ever hаvе bеfоrе. Alѕо, vаrіоuѕ amounts of dіѕеаѕе hаvе been ԛuеllеd. Abоut ninety уеаrѕ аgо, thе number оnе kіllеr in thе wоrld was Sраnіѕh Influеnzа. 

Today, thе flu іѕ no longer a ѕеrіоuѕ threat. Also, polio uѕеd tо be a ѕсоurgе on society, but thеѕе dауѕ, thаt dіѕеаѕе has bееn virtually eradicated оff thе fасе оf thе planet. Thus, іt makes ѕеnѕе thаt the rеtіrеmеnt аgе will аnd ѕhоuld bе raised to аbоut 70. Aсtuаllу, ѕеvеntу уеаrѕ оf аgе іѕ nоt оld. In fасt, іt is аbоut the аvеrаgе age, іn thіѕ соuntrу, and wеll bеlоw thе аvеrаgе іn mаnу іnduѕtrіаlіzеd nаtіоnѕ іn the wоrld. 

Of соurѕе сlаіmіng that Social Security іѕ undеr-fundеd was not tеllіng the whоlе story. Lеt uѕ lооk аt thе facts. Sо far, on this wаr on tеrrоr, the Unіtеd States hаѕ spent оvеr 300 billion dоllаrѕ. If thаt amount іѕ dіvіdеd by thе рrеѕеnt рорulаtіоn, thаt еԛuаlѕ tо about a thоuѕаnd dollars fоr еvеrу mаn, woman, аnd child in thе соuntrу. Alѕо, dо nоt forget аbоut thе hundreds оf mіllіоnѕ оf dоllаrѕ thаt are "loaned" tо оthеr соuntrіеѕ іn thе wоrld. Inѕtеаd оf ѕауіng Sосіаl Sесurіtу іѕ gоіng brоkе bесаuѕе оf the рорulаtіоn, the соrrесt statement ѕhоuld bе, the рrеѕіdеnt bеlіеvеѕ that thеrе аrе more іmроrtаnt things to ѕреnd mоnеу оn rаthеr thаn іnѕurіng that bеnеfіtѕ wіll bе аrоund for уеаrѕ to come. 

Whеnеvеr Sосіаl Security Rеfоrm іѕ mеntіоnеd, thеrе are аlwауѕ a ѕеlесt fеw thаt lоvе tо сlаmоr thаt thе ѕуѕtеm ѕhоuld be рrіvаtіzеd. Stаtіѕtісаllу wе know thаt реорlе spend more thаn thеу ѕаvе. If Sосіаl Sесurіtу should be privatized, what аbоut the mіllіоnѕ оf people thаt do nоt have a bаnk ассоunt? Shоuld thоѕе people automatically rесеіvе аn ассоunt? And who іѕ going tо make ѕurе thаt these реорlе gеt an ассоunt, thе fеdеrаl government? That wоuld dеfеаt the purpose оf рrіvаtіzіng Sосіаl Sесurіtу іn thе first place. It's kіnd оf lіkе ѕауіng, lеt'ѕ fix our brakes ѕо wе саn take the саr to thе mесhаnіс, so hе саn fіx thе brаkеѕ. 

I could do a lоt of rеѕеаrсh аnd list a lot оf dаtа аnd list an lоt оf rеfеrеnсеѕ, or I соuld uѕе hіѕtоrу аnd соmmоn ѕеnѕе to рrоvе thаt Sосіаl Sесurіtу ѕhоuld nеvеr bе put іn the hаndѕ оf a private іnѕtіtutіоn. It іѕ certainly truе thаt there have been many gоvеrnmеnt ѕсаndаlѕ thаt hаvе cost the tаxрауеr bіllіоnѕ thrоughоut thе hіѕtоrу оf thіѕ соuntrу. Thе fаіlurе of thе Savings аnd Lоаnѕ іѕ one еxаmрlе, аnd the list іѕ quite lengthy. Alѕо, thеrе hаvе bееn mаnу scandals in the private realm that hаѕ wіреd out thе lіfе savings оf соuntlеѕѕ people. Enrоn іѕ juѕt one example in a lіѕt thаt I am ѕurе іѕ еxhаuѕtіvе. Thuѕ, the соnсluѕіоn is that history ѕhоwѕ that gоvеrnmеnt burеаuсrасу іѕ safer thаn thе рrіvаtе rеаlm, thuѕ leave Social Sесurіtу аlоnе.

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford.

America on the up and up

Hello and welcome to another episode of What Really Chaffs My Nuts. I am currently working on a piece that is not done yet. It will be soon. So, to entertain you and show you I haven't forgotten about you here is a poem from a friend of mine. Enjoy it!

Matthew Claffee

We need some content creators ;
brand new innovators ;
A voice for this generation ;
some one to explain their explanations

I'm talking about the news ;
its all about the views ;
To make it even worse ;
nothing else matters as long as you where first

We need a new leader for this fucked up nation ;
Who can rid of all this hatred or take us back to the basics ;
to how we used to live; not egotistically ;
just with more simplicity ; im talking illicitly ; to get this message across explicitly

Just because you can write and read ;
doesn't mean your fit to lead;
because you have to represent;
and if you think you’re heaven sent
you’re sure to make for a  bad president

this is an economy ;
not a game of monopoly
I thought it was democracy ;
not an autocracy, it feels like hypocrisy

That's what was taught to me
but not how it ought to be
And in reality

The only thing we can do is give a big ol 'WHAT THE FUCK
 All I want is America on the up and up


Until the next rash,



Lou Ford

Why (No sleep till cookies).

Hello, and welcome to another episode of What Really Chaffs My Nuts. Now, throughout my blog I have ranted about many things that have pissed me off, many things. I have written about  politictucs, my hatred of the french and my need for fluffy kittens. Now, though, I have a toddler. I am a father (hard to believe right?), and so now I will also be rant about the shit about kids that really rub me the wrong fuckin' way. So now enjoy this video rant about my adorable, psychotic pygmy of a daughter.  

I hope that made you laugh.

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN

Dear Santa (You fat douche)

Hey, and welcome to another episode of What Really Chaffs My Nuts. The holiday season is over and a new year is here; a new year that is sure to require a crate load of antidepressants and a Flak vest.  So, it wouldn't make much sense to write a letter to Santa now because well Christmas is over. Actually it's not if you live in a place like my house because the fuckin' tree is still up. See! 

It's still Christmas at my place! I mean shit; I'm tired of all the little tiny colored bulbs that twinkled in multicolored tackiness. Kidding! It really is beautiful. It is glorious. No, but seriously it’s not anymore. Honey, for Christ sakes please take the tree down. That said; let me get back to the topic. I know that it’s a bit late to compose a letter to Santa, however that said thing the fact is that is for some of us Christmas maybe the last happy time we a good time. The last time we before the canister of used tanner begins to destroy our nation now that he is in power. So, I figured that it might be a good idea to write a letter to the spokesman for the season of joy to ask for a few things that might make next Christmas happier during the clusterfuck that will be the next four years. So with out further a due, here is my letter to Santa.      

Dear Santa, 

I know that Christmas has come and gone. In fact it's the New Year. While I know that there is basically a year before we'll go through this whole fiasco of your seasonal employment (you're Christianity's beloved migrant worker and slaver), I’m writing you because I have some very unusual things that are on my want for next time. They are desires that while strange, strange like a French a von gard film or, Shia LaBeouf, have a purpose.  So without further delay, let's begin. 

Please Santa; please no more office Christmas parties. They're just sad. It's just a bunch of cubical/retail workers who have decided to take a night off from the rampant degeneracy of they're home life and celebrate that with coworkers by proxy the season to be jolly. It's kinda like Rihanna deciding she needed a break from Chris Brown, and goes out with Bobbie instead. I mean seriously, the only thing worse than getting drunk at a work party in general is crying while masturbating. And now that I think about it what's the point of that? If you’re crying than why the fuck are you touching yourself? I mean that is completely contradictory to the purpose of rubbing one out. That has to be the epitome of shame. Well, that and an adult wearing Velcro shoes. The only thing worse than that is office party hookups. 

Office party hook ups are the most pathetic things ever. You and a co-worker in the handicap stall pressing up against the handrails, and the walls like two angry bulls in a bucking chute as you clumsy grope, grasp and hump each other in the mist of impulsive passions. Thudding up against the meddle divider and making sounds that resemble a mixture of raccoons and tired dogs fucking you guys slip on the forever slick tiles. I mean, all bathroom tiles, unless at your home, always resemble a cold day old French fry. It's hard and yet somehow still oily. Office party hook ups are the dumpster fires of trust building exercises. 

Next on the list is the end of eggnog. I want you to make it illegal to produce that destructively horrid concoction.  What exactly is that shit, by the way? Cinnamon flavored jizz? I mean is it the leftover from Mrs. Claus' Bukkaki? Was there a lot of hair, and pointy ear pulling involved? How about antler and jelly belly slapping? Was that part of the processes? Is it mainly elfish spooge?  Is that why it's spiced because it's mythical baby batter? Is that what eggnog is? And Santa, exactly how much joy did you expel from your sack? That's skeevy shit. It is. Oh, and it's not a festive treat, it’s lactose laced with dead chicken baby gravy with the consistency of off white lead paint.   

But in all honesty eggnog is something that a bunch of frat boys or prepubescent boys would mix together for a stupid bet. It's sickening to think about drinking. Trying to swallow that lemon white creamy fluid that is supposed to help ring in the mutha fuckin'' cheer actually makes my soul choke on bile. That's not the worst of it though, Santa. That celebratory drink has done much worse. 

See, there was a real life riot that took place over fuckin' eggnog. That's right you fat bastard, a riot over that elfish spooge of a drink. It took place at of all places, but West Point, our nation's cream of the crop military academy. Way back in 1826, WestPoint was still in it's infancy, and so in an attempt raise the institution to greatness the superintendent, Colonel Sylvanus Thayer, created a more disciplined environment. That discipline included a ban on alcohol. However, that did go over very well to a bunch of overworked young whippersnappers. One of those whippersnappers was the future president of the confederate, Jefferson Davis by the way. And so unable to accept a sober Christmas the cadets smuggled in booze in vast quantities. I mean like a speakeasy's wet dream amount. Their stash would have put the Omega Theta Pi from "Animal House" to shame. 

The debauchery that ensued was something that could be described as the L.A. Riots on ecstasy. The cadets had laughed, vomited, and vandalized their barracks in a joyous drunken frenzy. It was as if they were hyperactive toddlers who had just feasted on a birthday cake made of PCP and pixie sticks. One cadet even went so far as to try to bust a cap in one of his superiors so they wouldn't get in trouble. By the next day while those in the south barracks woke with sober discipline, the hung over students from the north were presented with the havoc they caused. Yup, fuckin' eggnog, the beverage of choice for all ye faithful that had been the cause of the anarchy could have eighty sixed the academy. It could have butchered the school if the staff hadn't been savvy enough to only purse the core instigators of the uprising. So, 19 of the cadets who were involved got the boot. That said the rebellious Dixie Rebel sadly was not one of the fuckers that had been disgraced. If that fucker had been booted out then the outcome of one of the most brutal American armed conflict ever may have been very different. But no, Santa in all of your spirit of the Holiday wisdom, you gave a free pass to the future. All that bullshit, and all because of a disgusting drink that is supposed to some how make this dark time of year happy. The result, we got Trump. I rest my case. Onward. 

Up next on the line up is coffee. No, wait let me be a little more specific Starbucks. I mean let's be real Dunkin Donuts is all right, well no. I mean they choose John Goodman to be their spokesman. If America runs on Dunkin' then it's running on a clogged aorta. Now Starbucks on the other hand is freakin' sweet, with one exception, gentrification. Yes, that's right there are times where the menu appears to be a man bun away from an episode of Girls. If not the menu then the orders and requests sure do. I mean Cappuccinos, Americanos, Lattes, Flat Whites, and Frappuccino are awesome. I mean, like freakin' sweet killer kick ass. That said, when you order a drink that's half whip, half caffeinated, half not, half mocha, and half not, topped with Carmel drizzle there's a problem. In other words Starbucks can at times look like a Lumber sexual has jizzed all over the menu. I’m just saying. Check it out, and get back to me.

Seriously Santa I be good all this shit eating year if you will change those things. Seriously, you jolly fat bastard, think about it. And now here is a poem by a friend of mine, Matthew Claffee. Enjoy.

I know I should have did this wayback when

but it's ok because I still have some ink in this 2016 pen

So Santa clause this ones for you and I hope you hear it

maybe next year you give away some of that Christmas spirit

'Cause holidays are the worst days and that's when you feel the pain like its the first day

Damn right that's life I live

That's what I see through the scope of my lens

now it's time to put it on wax with this 

P-E-N.  And then, 

it's time to spread some Christmas cheer, it's 2017 the bud life year

so to infinity and beyond I go, to find the head hancho, and as far as I know, my mom had the freshest Tahoe and always watched out for potholes, threestyles went to Santiago, and my motto ,comes from Toronto " do right and kill everything "

It's Christmas all over again and four little feet on the ground, running around to see what Santa brought to town.

Mommy and daddy look like clowns but they don't care

Cause they found out a long time ago life ain't fair

So here come the iPhones taking videos that'll last a life time

I guess it's really true stories come alive at the night time

and that's something I can freak wit', cause those 4 little feet are too small not to not have any holiday spirit

So Santa if you ring those jingle bells I'm pretty sure I'll hear it.

So until the next rash,

Lou Ford

FIN

Snow Globes! YAY!

Hello, and welcome to another episode of What Really Chaffs My Nuts. Due to school, work, and a sick kid, I have fallen behind, so I will be doing something special. I'll be posting all of my older christmas posts. Some of those will be from my older blog "Dirty Filthy Snuff", so to all you new readers, now you can enjoy my earlier work in all it's immature 

Now it's time for "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". What really chaffs my nuts are snow globes.

 Yes, those round glass spheres filled with water that contains white particles that represent snow and some kind of festive scene, or land mark. I mean I understand the craftsmanship needed to construct a snow globe, but in all sincerity the last thing I really want besides, for example, a shot glass for a fucking city bought at some cheesy Sauveur shop at the airport, is some deceiving winter wonderland that I create when shaking a globe of glass that ends in a damn minute when the "snow" settles to the bottom. The falseness that makes my childhood dream of meeting  "Frosty The Snowman" seem real until the music box stops playing, and it's time to shake the fucking globe again. And the damn corniness of it, just makes me want to beat the glass blower in the head with the globe until he actually believes he's in it. Or even worse, the fact that they have become so cliche' that now their being mass produced by sweat shop workers in Chinatown who are taking a brake from pushing out all of Martha Stewart's products. Those ones are made of cheap plastic; so cheap that you gotta be careful where you put it or the heat from the living room lamp will melt it. And once it leaks it nearly kills you because it's not fuckin' water but instead ether or wood alcohol, or some water from some polluted river like the Hudson. You touch it and you begin to hallucinate, learn the meaning of life after meeting god. I guess that would probably happen if you drank the water from the small world ride, and by the way what the hell is up with that fucking ride? 

It's old as dirt, what fun is it? And have you ever noticed that there aren't any Jews singing? 

See, they got everything; every race, and ethnicity, but no singing Israelis. A little bigoted? Yes? No? I think yes.

Anyway that's what snow globes are, their like those bottles of water that have blue oil in them that are supposed to resembled the ocean, the ones that have the plastic little suffer in it. When you move the the bottle the oil moves like what is supposed a wave, and some how the little suffer is going to ride the wave. What happens is the little surfer flips upside down never actually touching the fucking oil. One thing, and that is that it can be said it's a hell of a fucking way to pass the motherfucking time. It hypnotizes you into this state similar to the P.O.W.'s in the "Manchurian Candidate. In fact if it weren't for the little plastic fucking surfer, you couldn't be coresered into doing anything. With the plastic man bouncing around hypnotically, it's like a swinging pocket watch. The thing that really sucks is the ones that are made out of those clear plastic draw string bags that by the time you get home has leaked so that the inside of your luggage looks like an Alaskan oil spill. And why the hell do we need to buy souviors? Why would I want a fucking plastic snow globe of the Eiffel Tower(a gigantic french erector set) that the particles are made to look like birds when shaken? What the fuck is the point of the fucking Eiffel Tower?

 Is there any other purpose than to just look like an avant-garde mistake? Did they run outta fucking building materials? Is that why they hang lights on it, to give it some substance? Anyway, as pretty as a snow globe maybe a wonderful winter wonderland, it's just that a winter wonderland suspended in time, so when you shake it up you become memorized by the beauty, and the wonderment of the season represented by the floating snow suspended in time for a brief moment. And then all the snow settles to the bottom, then the face of that ugly lapdog you never wanted, but your girlfriend demanded you get, looks at you through the snow globe magnifying it's face, scaring the shit out of you causing you to drop the decoration and it shaters. And while your happy the lie is dead, you still die a little more inside.

Happy Holidays!

Until next time, 

Lou Ford

Disgusted!

You know what really chaffs my nuts? Do you know what really chaffs my nuts is the recent Ohio State Attack, and other acts of terror. The  attacker, a Somali man, had used  his car to run students down before jumping out, and stabbing people with a knife. ISIS has now claimed that the murderer, Abdul Razak  Ali Artan, was a soldier of theirs.

Fuck you extremist!

 It's because of actions like that that result in everyone suffering. Moderate Muslims suffer due to the fear of harm, and everyone else suffers because of that violence and the terror, and the rage it causes. Because of this shit we have become more divided as a nation than we  have in decades. As an American Muslim I am disgusted by this disgraceful bullshit and the harm it will continue to cause. What is even worse is that if our current President elect chooses to follow through with his many campaign promises then I fear shit is going to get worse.

 So thank you extremists for FUCKING EVERYTHING UP! Thank you for dividing us even more than we already are. AND FUCK YOU FOR THE KILLS, AND VIOLENCE. FUCK YOU FOR THE FOR THE VICTIMS OF YOUR VIOLENCE. AND FUCK YOU FOR DESTROYING WHATEVER GOOD FOOTING MUSLIMS, MODERATE AND A LIKE, HAVE IN OUR NEIGHBORING NON-MUSLIM COMMUNITIES. Eat a big, gigantic, huge mule cock.


Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN