Biber and the Bear.

Hello, and welcome to another episode of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". Like I had mentioned once before, there are many things to rant about. Despite that there is one particular story I'm going to bitch about. It is a stupid, but hilarious as all hell get out. Here it is:  

This is just great. A bear was actually repelled by a Justin Bieber song. "Baby" to be exact. The song was a ringtone on a fisherman's cellphone, and when it played the bear fled in terror. Are you surprised? I wasn't. When I read this I laughed so hard I pooped a little. I didn't really know what to say. I mean how terrifyingly dreadful do you have to be? How bad of a singers voice would actually unnerve a bear? If that isn't a sign that your career is going down the tubes then I don't know what is. In Justin's case all you got to do is look at his career so far. All he needs right now are a few drug charges, a girlfriend with a couple crotch shots, and another slap fest with an actor like Orlando Bloom. In the beginning he was just a Canadian. Now, well we'll just put all the blame on Usher. 

 

   In seems that Justin is suffering from what I like to call the "Different Stokes syndrome". I say that because the entire cast of that 80's sitcom, especially the children, had horrific post acting careers. You want to know more look it up. The point is that Justin has gone from being a Canadian child star to one of those guys in a hoodie who’s forgotten that he's white. He is on his way to becoming a male version of Dana Plato. Today it's a sissy fight with Orlando Bloom; tomorrow it's an O.D. after washing down Vicodin with cough syrup. All he needs are a few drug charges, a girlfriend with a few crotch shots, unwashed hair, and a wife beater tank top. You know what you got? You got douche bag personified a.k.a. a young version of Kevin Federline. And we owe this all to none other than Usher.

 Thank you Usher for giving us another child star train wreck. As a member of the entertainment community you accomplished your prescribed duets, creating catchy tunes, and exploiting children.

The good news is that unlike most has been actors, even after his career is over Bieber can still serve a purpose. Besides being a living fable about the consequences of early fame, he can literally use his voice to save thousand of outdoorsmen's lives. Seriously, just think, no more mace, or packing a high-powered rifle in order to protect yourself. Just a recording of one of Bieber's pathetic excuses for a pop song, and even a pack of ravenous hyenas would run in horror. In fact the military could use it. You tell me that playing the song "Baby" wouldn't make even the most hardened soldier fall to his knees. Just think of all the possibilities. Plus that gives me hope. It somehow gives me comfort to know that when the day comes where he will be a pitiful piece of flesh, Justin will still be able to maintain some sort of dignity. That would be refreshing. It would be awe-inspiring.  At least when they make the "where are they now" documentary his situation won't turn out to be so disparaging that all you'd want to do is snap your own neck to escape the sadness. A sadness that would drown your soul leaving you gasping in panicked despair before your lungs were filled with the darkness that is the loose of humanity.

 

Wait a minute?! What am I talking about? It would be hilarious. I mean like aneurism causing pop a boner hysterics; that's how funny. It's Justin Bieber. Come on. How could it not be?      

   

With that I will leave you. Until the next rash, 

Lou Ford

FIN

Hello, and welcome to another example of what really chaffs my nuts. Again, there are so many things to rant about. There are just so many things that have rubbed me the wrong way. I have choose this story of hilarious stupidity because it is the one that chafed my nuts the most. So here it is. Read and enjoy:

So this woman (Ginny Griffith) was charged with arson because she was trying to kill a spider. Yeah, in an attempt to kill a creepy crawly she set her housing duplex ablaze. Stupidity. This is like that South Carolina woman who called the police all because a Subway sandwich shop had given her a flat bread pizza with marinara sauce instead of pizza sauce. Remember? I had written a rant about that. 

Now the question I have is for someone like that what exactly establishes a panic? Another question I have is short of actually have a nuclear bomb what is their "nuclear option"? I mean Ginny Griffith  literally torched a pile of towels which lead to her side of the duplex catching fire. The other side was occupied at the time of the incident, hence the arson charge. She hadn't meant to hurt anyone, but she used fire to kill a tiny spider. If that's not over kill then Joan Rivers Vagina doesn't make a swooshing noise when she walks. It does.


Now this story got me thinking; those eight legged creatures sure do wheeled a lot of power. What I mean by that is their symbolism, and the fear they instill in some is truly amazing. A woman almost burned down her housing duplex all because of a small creature that dangled over her by a minuscule thread. There is another recent story about a man who did burn down his home due to his own arachnophobia. See:

Keeping that in mind, if you were a spider who could talk then think of all the clout you'd have.  I know that sounds outlandish, but just go with me. Now if  you had access to someone with power like the president, and he suffered from arachnophobia then you'd be set. Obama could be your bitch. Just imagine it for a second.

  You'd have Obama in the Oval Office.
"Yo Obama" you'd say as he repelled to eye level. "Do you know what would be really funny? Do a presidential address where you tell the American public that we are on the verge of nuclear war with one of those Koreas. When panic sets in and everybody is going mad crazy tell them that you were just joshing them."

He'd look at you in astonished anxiety and annoyance, asking "So you want me to lie, and terrorize the American people with the idea of nuclear annihilation. Then enrage them by telling them that it was a joke? No."
"So you're not going to?" you ask.
"No."
Then you'd dangle over his head. Obama would scream like a girl.
"Yeah," you'd say. "Yeah. Cry. Cry. Bitch scream like a bitch pussy!"
The President would jump and squirm in his chair.
"You wanna walk into one of my webs, huh? Do ya?"
The president would wail, "No!"
"Then your gonna do it or I'll tell Cheney that you had over Bin Laden and other bad government types for game night!" you'd command. "I'll tell Dickie that you had Bin Laden killed cause he beat you at Pictionary!"
Hell, just think of it. It would be grand. You could land on Mitt Romney's Book of Mormon and tell him that you laid eggs in the vast abyss where his soul once dwelled. The sad part about it is it's probably true that there is an empty trench where Mitt's soul may have been, but I've gotten off track.

I know that this is just wrong and in bad taste, but I love this blurb. That would be like using a 50 Caliber machine gun to try to kill a mouse. How hilarious mankind's stupid truly is, hilarious. Out of all the bad shit that happens in the world this is the one thing that gave me the reason to live. Seriously I laughed so hard at that debacle it felt like my heart had grown three times its size, and then in an instant was going to tear in half. I know that it is cruel, but humanity's idiocy is sidesplittingly riotous. By the way I was exaggerating about that story giving me a reason to live. I think you get my drift.  Stupidity is funny.

There was a WW2 U-Boat that almost sank due to a toilet flush.
 By the way a U-Boat was a german submarine. Honestly, it almost sank.  I mean, you tell me that isn't funny as hell. You tell me that it isn't extremely humorous on some level. That is an example of another of man's stupidity. By the way in case you were wondering there is some difficulty in flushing a toilet in a machine that is completely submerged in water because of all the pressure that surrounds the machine (submarine). If you don't have a system that can equalize it then you got problems, hence the U-Boat almost sinking. If you don't believe me then look it up. The point is that man's stupidity, while tragic in many instances,  is always funny. That is what comedy is; tragedy. Plus, lets be honest, it's true that sometimes our stupidity is the only trait that makes our species tolerable.

Numb nuts who do things like deciding to sue ESPN because of being caught on camera asleep at a baseball game is what makes life worth while. That numb nuts name is Andrew Rector, and he's suing for $10 million dollars due to mental anguish. That's what I think anyway. With that I will leave you.


Until the next rash,



Lou Ford

FIN