Biber and the Bear.

Hello, and welcome to another episode of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". Like I had mentioned once before, there are many things to rant about. Despite that there is one particular story I'm going to bitch about. It is a stupid, but hilarious as all hell get out. Here it is:  

This is just great. A bear was actually repelled by a Justin Bieber song. "Baby" to be exact. The song was a ringtone on a fisherman's cellphone, and when it played the bear fled in terror. Are you surprised? I wasn't. When I read this I laughed so hard I pooped a little. I didn't really know what to say. I mean how terrifyingly dreadful do you have to be? How bad of a singers voice would actually unnerve a bear? If that isn't a sign that your career is going down the tubes then I don't know what is. In Justin's case all you got to do is look at his career so far. All he needs right now are a few drug charges, a girlfriend with a couple crotch shots, and another slap fest with an actor like Orlando Bloom. In the beginning he was just a Canadian. Now, well we'll just put all the blame on Usher. 

 

   In seems that Justin is suffering from what I like to call the "Different Stokes syndrome". I say that because the entire cast of that 80's sitcom, especially the children, had horrific post acting careers. You want to know more look it up. The point is that Justin has gone from being a Canadian child star to one of those guys in a hoodie who’s forgotten that he's white. He is on his way to becoming a male version of Dana Plato. Today it's a sissy fight with Orlando Bloom; tomorrow it's an O.D. after washing down Vicodin with cough syrup. All he needs are a few drug charges, a girlfriend with a few crotch shots, unwashed hair, and a wife beater tank top. You know what you got? You got douche bag personified a.k.a. a young version of Kevin Federline. And we owe this all to none other than Usher.

 Thank you Usher for giving us another child star train wreck. As a member of the entertainment community you accomplished your prescribed duets, creating catchy tunes, and exploiting children.

The good news is that unlike most has been actors, even after his career is over Bieber can still serve a purpose. Besides being a living fable about the consequences of early fame, he can literally use his voice to save thousand of outdoorsmen's lives. Seriously, just think, no more mace, or packing a high-powered rifle in order to protect yourself. Just a recording of one of Bieber's pathetic excuses for a pop song, and even a pack of ravenous hyenas would run in horror. In fact the military could use it. You tell me that playing the song "Baby" wouldn't make even the most hardened soldier fall to his knees. Just think of all the possibilities. Plus that gives me hope. It somehow gives me comfort to know that when the day comes where he will be a pitiful piece of flesh, Justin will still be able to maintain some sort of dignity. That would be refreshing. It would be awe-inspiring.  At least when they make the "where are they now" documentary his situation won't turn out to be so disparaging that all you'd want to do is snap your own neck to escape the sadness. A sadness that would drown your soul leaving you gasping in panicked despair before your lungs were filled with the darkness that is the loose of humanity.

 

Wait a minute?! What am I talking about? It would be hilarious. I mean like aneurism causing pop a boner hysterics; that's how funny. It's Justin Bieber. Come on. How could it not be?      

   

With that I will leave you. Until the next rash, 

Lou Ford

FIN