This may seem like an over view of an incident that happened this past holiday season, and in part it is, but when you read it I think that you'll see how it ties into the over all chaffing of the topic. So, just bare with me and enjoy.
You know what really chaffs my nuts? How everybody always bitches about Starbucks. While it's gets really damn annoying to hear about how people can't stand such things as the they're method of cup sizes, the straw that broke the camels back was the whole snowflake on the cup incident and the "war on Christmas". For anyone who hadn't been paying attention people got pissed when Starbucks decided that for this past Christmas they would not have anything like snowflakes on their cup, and instead it would be just red. Well, the person who got pissed was James Earl Feuerstein who declared it was proof of the war on Christmas/Christianity. Yes that supposed on going attack on Christianity which has been refreshed by Joshua Feuerstein, who is
You know what really chaffs my nuts? How everybody always bitches about Starbucks. While it's gets really damn annoying to hear about how people can't stand such things as the they're method of cup sizes, the straw that broke the camels back was the whole snowflake on the cup incident and the "war on Christmas". For anyone who hadn't been paying attention people got pissed when Starbucks decided that for this past Christmas they would not have anything like snowflakes on their cup, and instead it would be just red. Well, the person who got pissed was James Earl Feuerstein who declared it was proof of the war on Christmas/Christianity. Yes that supposed on going attack on Christianity which has been refreshed by Joshua Feuerstein, who is
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| Joshua kinda looks like a rage full version of Silent Bob from the movie Clerks. |
a media savvy evangelist who basically said that Starbucks was taking the Christmas out of Christmas. In response to the red cup he called on Christians everywhere to go to the coffee chain, order a cup and tell them their name was Merry Christmas. The result being that Merry Christmas would be written on the cup which would break the neutral stance the company had on the holidays. Redonkulass. All that over a paper coffee cup. Again for anyone who has forgotten or just didn't pay attention, there was this huge backlash over the Starbucks deciding not to have snowflakes on their coffee cups. Now it is just a red cup. When the news got out about there was an outcry that the coffee company was killing Christmas because their cup didn't have that kind of precipitation on it. Now I asked myself is a damn snow flake a symbol of Christmas? The answer is ...NO! A snow flake is not a symbol of damn Christmas. And what is the problem with the logo? That is another thing that chaffs me. All the critics say it's a succubus. Well douches it's not, it's a siren. See, a siren was a temptress that lead sailors to their death by luring them so they would shipwreck on the rocky shores of their island. They were described as either being bird or mermaid like depending on the story. The point of the logo was not to suggest the demise of of their customers but rather to suggest the irresistible and seductive quality
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| This is a Siren. A kinda mermaid creature, in some myths. |
of the coffee. A succubus, on the other hand, was a demonic creature that attacked men sexually (usually) while they were asleep. While the siren logo may not have been the best choice it certainly didn't have to do with sexual assault. There is a big difference between the two, so please do us all a favor and do your research before you run your mouth. Now back to the damn snowflake.
What the hell is the issue? Honestly, it's a form of precipitation, not a star which is a fucking ball of burning gas in space. That however, is a symbol of Christianity which for some reason is a bit ridiculous when you think about it. Still the star is mentioned in the story of Jesus' birth, so it means something. Regardless, I wondered what all the fuss was about a red cup, so I found an article in The Washington Post about what symbols are connected to Christmas. The link is bellow, check it out.
If you've read the article you'd know that the snow flake is not a christian symbol. Anyway, I thought that the snowflake attack on Christmas was bullshit so I went to get a cup of coffee to see if I would suffer any of the old testament plagues. I took a sip of the coffee expecting to enjoy an excellent cup of java, but instead this happened.
I felt it overcome me, consuming my very being, and causing me to conclude the impossible. I drank the coffee and then Baby Jesus cried. That's right Starbucks, you made baby Jesus cry. That right Starbucks, you killed Christmas! SANTA is dead because of you! NO SANTA! Stay with me! Stay with me! Don't you give up on me. Think of the children. THINK OF THE CHILDREN! NO! Damn you Starbucks! Damn you and your red cup of oppression.
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| IT"S YOUR FAULT STARBUCKS! BANISH THE SNOWFLAKE, AND CHRISTMAS DIES! THEN THE WORLD! WHY! WHY!
I tasted the bitter shame of a sinner. That's right, the tears of Baby Jesus had floored me washing away everything leaving only my naked shivering soul. Oh, the pain. I felt his sorrow, and it filled me, like Tara Reid's tummy is filled with vodka and the morning after pill. Oh Lord, Christianity is being torn apart. The world is over, and it's all your fault. You did this you did this! You upset people who think that flamboyancy is a tool of the devil, and that the a paper cup will destroy their faith. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! Do think that Santa ate cookies because they were a treat? NO! He was eating his feeling and now he's dead. LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID! Look at it!
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| Babies are cry. You made babies cry! Their tears are eroding their tiny innocent souls. WHY! WHY! HOW COULD YOU STARBUCKS? They're just children! I get that some are disappointed that Starbucks didn't have a festive cup, but how has that taking Christ out of Christmas? Seriously, and for that matter, would the holy grail have to fucking have snow flakes on it? Would it have to have other Christmassy decorations for some Christians to accept? "That's not the grail! It doesn't have snowflakes, the nativity scene, or Christmas phrase like "let it snow"! Blasphemer! It's cool though, and besides there's a replacement, the patrol men's Mecca. That would be Duncan Donuts, and their styrofoam cup that said joy. Yup, that one just personified Christmas. I saw that and I just thought giving, joy, love, selflessness, and Jesus. That's the company that sells lattes too, but nobody there actually know what a latte is. Seriously, you order a latte and they ask you if you want milk. That's what a latte is, espresso with steamed milk. I get that some people some people find a lot of aspects of Starbucks to be pretentious, and snobby. I understand the whole size thing, venti sounds yuppie as hell, but seriously, get off Starbucks dick. They're a company selling coffee, not god in the case of the snowflake.
Seriously, there is a restaurant chain out there called Bojangales'. Yes, I'll repeat that; BO-FUCKIN'-JANGLES'.
A restaurant that is basically named after a racial slur for a black man exists, and no one bitches about that. Instead assholes decide to complain about the branding of the cup sizes at Starbucks, or a fuckin' red cup at Christmas. I mean the only thing missing to make eating there an absolute guarantee of burning in hell would be black face and a water melon patch. And if you don't believe me, and you're saying "if it's an acceptable name for a restaurant then how is it a problem?". I dare you to call the ACLU and ask to talk to Mr. Bojangles. Do it. The number is 212-549-2500. In fact walk away from your computer right now, and go up to a random black dude on the street and call him Bojangles. Go do it. I'll wait right here. Go on, and afterwards write about your experience in the comment section below. Be honest, please? Whatever happened whether it be a beating, cursed out, or a law suit I most definitely know it wasn't good. Why the hell are people ripping at their hair and gnashing their teeth over cup color, or size. It's called branding, or a way to make your product different and stand out. If you don't believe me then have you ever heard of the phrase "super size me"?
Please, everybody get off Starbucks dick, especially you douche Joshua Feuerstein. They sell high quality coffee (depending on who you talk to anyway), not that swill that delis, and convenience stores sell. Not that flavored coffee that is pumped full of so much flavor syrup that it tastes like someone ground up pumpkin, spices, and then put it into a dump truck full of aspartame. Then that said someone dumped that pungent blend into a percolator, yeah that horrible coffee.
I get the annoyance, but also almost everybody goes there to get a cup, and the same complaint; it so snobbish. So I got a question, why the fuck you giving them business? It's fucking coffee, not a visit to the D.M.V. , or deciding which mooch to elect for congress. Congress, rich man's welfare recipients. You don't have to do it, unlike the D.M.V. or voting, that is if you want there to be a chance of things changing. Maybe I should say voting is mandatory if you want to hold on to the dream that some of those douchebags who are elected will actually do that. And let me make this clear, especially to you Joshua Feuerstein (the prick who started the whole snowflake thing) Starbucks has not taken Christ out of Christmas, they never have. And as much as Starbucks maybe pretentious it ain't all that bad; it's coffee so stop bitchin'. I could go on but I think I got most of that shit out of my system. So I 'll just leave you with this idea that I just came up with. Christian themed coffee drinks like the Nativuccino. It's an espresso drink with an extra shot of messiah. Chew on that for a while. Until the next
FIN
P.S.
Just a reminder,
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