It's a Doozie!

You know what really chaffs my nuts? The safety videos they have you watch at work, they're what really chaff my nuts. You know those ones that are moronically corny, poorly acted, and fucktarded instructional videos that makes lectures on abstinence, or Scientology sound like philosophical discussions given by Socrates. They're the videos that are so mind numbingly boring that you  become unconscious due to the fact that your body has actually forgot how to breath. In reality the videos are more unsafe than the job itself due to the production value, and all around dumbass douchebaggery. But, the scary thing is that you have to watch them, and see the unrealistic situation they use to demonstrate their points to realize how fucked you are. It's after watching those videos that you realize that you're just a few steps above rock bottom.


When you getting trained (especially for retail jobs) they do so out of concerns of protecting the company. The employer has you watch a safety video about how to pick things up correctly, and ladder safety, and then they literally give you enough "rope" to hang yourself with. By enough rope I mean a fucking cumbersome apron.  It's really dangerous if you're climbing really high up on a ladder and get caught on a shelf or something. Once that happens you'll find you're ass swinging around like Jackie Chan in one of his many repetitive clumsy, cop Hong Kong films.

And as if that wasn't dangerous enough, they then make you wear a Walkie  that has an ear piece. That basically means that either you're gonna get a near fatal ear boxing comparable to one you'd receive from a chubby nun, or possibly going out the David Carradine way minus the masturbation. All this is done contrary to the exact principles set forth by the video. They tell you in that incredibly helpful piece of media to watch out for clothing that could get caught on the corners, or edges of shelves. They tell you to make sure that the ladder is fully open, that it's a level and not wobbly. If there is anything that is wrong with the ladder then you need to tell your supervisor. The only problem with that is I've literally seen a manager climb up one step of a ladder, see how wobbly it was then step off, and have a stock guy do it. I mean, sure they may have held the latter but did they risk taking a spill, and break a hip? Do they want to become a gimp? Do they wanna have hardware so they're like part human part lighting rod. A retail version of Keyser Söze? No, they leave it to the dudes getting paid 9 ($9.00) something an hour. Seriously, it's bullshit.


So I got an idea, I saw on YouTube that there are all these work safety commercials from other countries that are pretty graphic, but they do a much better job than the company made safety films. Observe. Oh, and they are graphic so watch at your own risk.


See after seeing that I came up with an idea, do one of those exact films but follow it up with the fact that after being hurt you have to fill out forms for when you go to the hospital. So show someone falling from a ladder, they got glass and shit in them and they're all scar faced up, and while they wait for the ambulance to come they're filling out the incident report. They drop the pen and do the rest with the blood from they're wounds while the store manager watches in shock. The injured coworker then coughs blood in the managers face, and says to him/her "you got something on your face". Then giving back the papers the injured employee starts screeching these blood curdling screams, begging for someone to hold their hands as they die. Incorporate arterial spurts of blood that hit the lens of the camera. And the final touch would be a narrator who would say, "Watch out for that first step, it's a doozie". Think about it.

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN