Head Trauma: Medical Science Marches On!!!

Hello. Welcome to another episode of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". I am currently working on another entree; one that is much more serious, and discuses a very important issue. That entree is not finished, so this time I will just present to you to some of the stupid stuff that has been going on.

So, with out further delay, let us begin. Enjoy:

 Do you know how wonderful this is?  This is a discovery that is on the same level as finding your soulmate by shooting them.  What happened to this man could be the answer to many once chronic conditions such as that man's color blindness.  I mean think of how great it could be.  Seriously, just think.  It could be almost like banging out a dent in a car, or playing "Whack A Mole".   There will be no more surgeries, or will the patients have to suffer.  Now when they come down with an illness you can just bop them on the head, and presto chango! YOUR CURED!  You got cataracts; doctor give him THE HAMMER!  You Suffer from migraines?  Hey nurse give em' THE HAMMER!  An ear infection?  Doc prescribe them THE HAMMER!  Isn't that great?  I mean it's even fun to say. Kinda sounds gangsta doesn't it?  THE HAMMER!  Sure it may be a little painful on the patients end, but what's the worst that could happen?  Shit, if your already fucked up what's a little more damage gonna do?  Plus think about how therapeutic it would be for the doctors.  They could let out all their anger on the patients who really get on their nerves all the while curing them.  It would be a perfect way for them to vent the stress they're under.   It's a win-win situation.  And I mean, if it can cure color blindness think about what it could do for Lindsay Lohan,  besides possible rendering her unconscious and dead.  Even Bruce Jenner could benefit from it.  If the procedure turns out to be very similar to hammering out dents, then a doctor could just keep bashing him in the skull until anything about his current physical state changes. What do I mean? Well, have you looked at his face?  It looks like a latex vagina that someone has stretched over their knee, and then somehow hardened it into a disgusting nerve damaged piece of tissue. That's what I mean.  And if it doesn't work, what difference does it make?  How much more harm could you do?  He's married to a damn Kardashian for god sake.

     Here is the next stupid thing.  Did you read it?  A Utah mom spent more than $567 to buy tee shirts from a local mall that she said were promoting pornography to children. The shirts by the way did featured scantily clad models. WOW!  So I guess this is a win-win. The woman gets to fulfill her moral crusade, and the venders at the PacSun store make a killing.  Not bad.  Still though, I got a question if I may?  That question is, is that really the way to go?  Why not help clear out a neighborhood of crack by buying all of the crack from the dealers?   But is that really gonna serve a purpose? The crack dealers are always gonna bring back the crack because, well, either way they're gonna make money.  So, is buying all the shirts from the store, and spending money that could be used to pay a utility bill so you can save your children really worth it?  Isn't that kind of "corruption" something that is in many ways inescapable?  Morals are ideals that you as a parent are supposed to instill in your children when last I checked. But besides that, aren't there other ways to fight back besides emptying out your saving account. Seriously?

With that I'll leave you.

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN

My Irish Drunken Dad!!!

I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy belated St. Patricks Day. Enjoy:

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN 

Morgan Freeman: The Voice That Soothes White Privilege.

Hey, do you know what really chaffs my nuts? This, and that by that I mean the Happy Feet Blurb. Actually read them all. I'll start with the Happy Feet one. All the rest will be tied in later.  Read it:

Yeah, that's right penguins needed antidepressants. The penguins at a British zoo couldn't cope with the torrential rain, and so they became depressed. Yup, it turns out Happy feet is Sad feet. As a result they're on Celexa.  Now I know what your thinking. Your thinking that these creatures are built for testical shriveling subzero temperatures because there penguins, right? So what's the problem with a little rain. I mean they got to be wusses for that. But hold on; wouldn't you be sad if Morgan Freeman stopped narrating your life story? I mean it's Morgan Freeman for god sakes.

Morgan Freeman has a voice that's kind, understanding, and empathetic even when its tone is angry. He makes everything seem ok. Seriously, he does.  He comforts everyone.  He narrated "The Shawshank Redemption" and somehow made prison rape seem alright.  Now that in mind there is one thing that I've noticed,  his voice is especially comforting to White People. Why is that?  I've tried to figure it out, and I haven't really figured out a definite answer.  Could it be that he reminds white folks that not all large black men are dangerous?  Does his voice make white men feel safe to have their girlfriends or wives in the presence of his vocals?  And if they become his sweet ass bitches, who cares, it Morgan Freeman.  I mean that man could narrate the massacre of an entire village, the clubbing of baby seals-hell a nuclear holocaust, and white people everywhere would wipe their brows in relief.  Why?  Because how bad could it be?  It's Morgan Freeman.

     That is why I believe that it should be mandatory that all news be reported by Mr. Freeman.  Even if if he just gargles, we'd all feel better about the state of the world.


Now remember how I said that I would tie all those blurbs together, get ready for this. The antidepressant part, when I found out that Samuel L. Jackson wasn't Morgan Freeman,  I too needed antidepressants. See how I tie in that whole Samuel L. Jackson thing for up above. That was the second bulb about how the Los Angeles Anchorman who confused Samuel Jackson with Morgan Freeman.  Shit! The Anchorman had confused Samuel L. Jackson with Laurence Fishburne, not Morgan Freeman.  Still when I found out  Jackson and Fishburne weren't Morgan Freeman, I was devastated. Hence, I needed Antidepressants. See How I combined the antidepressant with the second blurb.  

How could that be? I mean don't they all look ... before I finished that sentence let me just say that this a joke.  In case you haven't noticed I was mocking white people, and their discomfort with other races   aka concealed racism it could be called I guess.  Stereotypes like all Jews being cheap, or  the myth that all prostitutes give black guys group rates.  Get it.  And by the way I know that black people don't all look alike.  Still, when I found out that that neither Jackson nor Fishburne were Morgan Freeman, my heart ached like an arthritic knee before it rains.  His smoothing low tones could seduce a rabid animal.  I mean his eloquence is like that of cherry blossoms gently raining down on me on a cool spring afternoon, tickling my skin. With it's caresses each peddle feels like the gentle touch of a caring lover who wants to give their very soul to me.  The magnificence of his chuckle touches the most inner vulnerable piece of my being until I feel content with every facet of the universe. So you can see my disappointment when I learned that he wasn't every black man I've seen on TV.  See how I tied those to blurbs together? Did you see that?


Now in terns of the of third thing, the Canadian metal band who charged the U.S. government for using their music to torment Guantanamo Bay Detainees, well they did that because they needed money.  They needed money for all the therapy they going to need for the pain they'd feel, for also realizing that not only is Samuel L. Jackson not Morgan Freeman, but Laurence Fishburne isn't either.  The pain, and anger they felt was so huge that they would decided that living on an isolated compound in the middle of nowhere as well as the best drugs that man can buy would be the only thing that would sooth them.  Only they'd find that it was just going to shelter the pain until one of those really cheesy Coke commercials with the arctic animals all being friends came on.  You know the ones were the polar bears are hugging seals and giving big high five's to penguins, then kissing eskimos and shit.  Well that would absolutely drive them bat shit nuts.  So much so that they'd  drive their tour bus in terror into a busy intersection where they'd hallucinate that they had actually run themselves over.  They would then die and go to heaven, and there they'd meet God, who is Morgan Freeman. OMG! I know right?  That is until they'd discover that due to them playing "the devil's music" they were in hell.  Their punishment would be having their worst day alive narrated by that Morgan Freeman.  The thing is that that Morgan Freeman wouldn't have the smooth voice like carmel, but a nasally cross between Fran Drescher and Gilbert Gottfried. Yeah,

   

















that guy above, and her.

 No, that didn't, and probably won't happen.  But if it did wouldn't that be crazy cool?  Right? Seriously though, the one thing I got to say about that last piece is this: HA HA! Hows that for copyright infringement? So much for the Federal Governments laws against pirated material (music, movies ext ...) And I guess it's true, "Piracy really isn't a victimless crime", at least not according to the detainees of Guantanamo Bay.  HA HA!
With that I will let you go.


Until the nest rash.



Lou Ford.

FIN  

Half Naked In A Denny's Parking Lot? It's the day after Valentines!

Hello and welcome to another episode of what really chaffs my nuts.

Do you know what really chaffs my nuts?  What really chaffs my nuts is Valentines Day.   While I haven't had the chance to completely finish my rant on Valentines Day, I will leave with a Valentines Day Haiku.  Actually it's not your typical Haiku, but you'll get the point.

Darth Vader

A Sad HandJob

Waking up half naked in a Denny's parking lot. 

So, until I have the full rant on Valentines Day finished I will leave you with this.  HAPPY POST VALENTINES DAY!  My post-post rant will be here in a couple of days.

Until the next rash,

Lou Ford. 

FIN

Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? This:

Rocky The Musical? And we thought Seussical was bad, and that was in english. This premiered in German. WOW!  Really? The film "Rocky" turned into a musical? What the fuck was somebody thinking? Let's go over this bullshit. Most of us know that "Rocky" was a rags to riches story about a mildly mental challenged debt collector for a loan shark who uses his retard strength to achieve the American Dream. That dream gaining unearned fame and prosperity by any means necessary,  even brutal force. Just like a reality TV Star. I mean if you can't get your big break from pulling and reading the lottery numbers on the locale news then you can always resort to giving the most whitest Hispanic in the World a hot tub Handy J on national TV.  The movie" Rocky " is similar to Al Capone, or J.K. Rowling only with boxing gloves, facial paralysis and brain damage.  

Rocky,  I mean seriously? That was the best material someone could choose to make a stage play that an audience could relate to? I get that it's an under dog story and all, but still rooting for a guy who spends part of his time beaten on meat? Really? By beating meat I don't mean jerking off. I mean literally going to a slaughter house and beaten on meat hanging from a hook. That's great for a movie because Stallone didn't have to sing; he just had to play Rocky.  Rocky was Sylvester, or a somewhat adorable halfwit. Okay maybe not adorable, but there were moments when I wanted to just hug him before taking him out into the woods to put him out of his misery. Just like "Of Mice And Men" I was waiting for that moment when Rocky would tell his coach, Mickey, that he had done a bad thing, and they'd have to go on the run away.  Oh, and the book "Of Mice And Men" is a classic. You want to know the story google it. Back to the topic, a musical? What The Fuck? 

I mean that's about as brilliant as a musical based on the 80's TV show "The A-Team", or "Charles In Charge". And by the way since when was Scott Baio still alive. I thought he was dead, and then one day BAM.  There he was in some TV ad for some charity foundation he and his wife started.  Since when was he still breathing.  Did one of those 80's sweater on his show save his life?  I thought for sure he would have gone out the way of David Carradine.  I had hoped if he hadn't been the victim of autoerotic asphyxia then at least he'd be a security guard at a high school where his purpose was to remind kids that it's cool to stay in school, that drugs are bad, and short of Bill Crosby no one survived an 80's sitcom, especially as a child actor.

There is only one thing worse than that.   Philadelphia: The Musical.  You know the movie where a man with AIDS is fired from his law firm so he hires a homophobic lawyer to represent him in a wrongful dismissal suit.  It stared Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington.  Just picture that.  A cast member from the play rent singing "I HAVE AIDS!". T hen the token black actor who plays Denzel's character would melodramatically pull his hand way for fear of being infected.  That is terribly inappropriate.  A ghastly path on the low road.  That's similar to black face and holocaust jokes being in bad taste.  Well, that's putting it mildly that those two things would and are in bad taste.  The Teletubbies definitely fall into that category, and most of Kevin Costner's career.  The "Rock" Dwyane Johnson's acting career is horrendous too.  So are Mel Gibson's personal beliefs, along with Kenya West's sense of reality, they are pretty inappropriate.  You get my drift."Rocky The Musical". The only thing I can say is what the fuck was someone thinking? 

So inclosing, the best thing to do is not to have a musical based on Rocky persay. Instead have "Sly" Stallone come out on stage in a school boy outfit, or a sailor suit and sing nursery rhymes.  Even better, have him all decked out as one of the cast members of "CATS", and have him attempt to sing           
"Memories".  Then to make it more interesting we could bring out Tony Danza , Corky from the show "Life Goes On", and Rush Limbaugh after a bottle of pain killers he washed down with two litters of Crush soda.  Crush soda; the drink of choice for stoners, children and Type 2 diabetics. Why is that? Anyway, watch this clip:

Tell me that wouldn't perfect. Tell me something like that wouldn't sell to sold out theaters of people who just couldn't advert their eyes away from the train wreck. Seriously. With that I'll let you all go.



Until the next rash,



Lou Ford

A Bullet for your Soulmate.

Hey, you want to know what really chaffs my nuts. This: 

So basically if you really want to find your soulmate don't go on the internet, don't date, just shoot the fucker. Then WHAMMO! The bullet with it's loving enduring lead will magically make the pain torn flesh, and shattered bone into a gunshot wound of intimacy, trust, passion and fidelity. I mean if I had known that it would have been that easy to get a girlfriend I would have "busted a cap a in a bitch's ass" years ago. Of course I'm married now, but I guess if I really wanted to to rekindle our romance I could always shoot her.

Seriously, just imagine she gets shot, and I present her with flowers. Then we can use the wound as a makeshift vase. Or if we wanted to try something new, I mean she'd have an extra hole, so ya know ...  There's  new position, hey even a new slang. A whole new genera. And just think of all the role playing games. I could be Dick Chenney and she could be Harry Whittington. That's the guy Dick shot. And by the way, why the hell would you apologize for being shot. I mean unless your behaving in a manor that required that kind of intervention like chasing school children around with a chainsaw. Unless your try to fuck a deer or some shit, or forcing senior citizens to make holiday teddy bears in exchange for their adult diapers and heart medication. If that is not the case then you shouldn't be apologizing for getting shot. That's what Harry Whittington did after Satan himself, good ol' Dick shot him. I mean that's like the Jews apologizing to the German's for the Holocaust.

Can you image that? Seriously? A rabbi comes to a podium, and apologizes to the great "exalted Aryans" for what? Their hebrew Adrian Brody noses? Say he's sorry as whole for their penny pinching or they're ability to "us'd" prices down. How about apologizing for they're glissing chest hairs, and their nasally voices. They could have also said they were sorry for their sense of humor. Sorry for Mel Brooks, Ben Stiller, and Andy Samberg. He could apologize for Vaudeville, and dancing yiddish clowns. But the one thing he could have really apologized for was Woody Allen. I mean Woody is a great director, but a daughter-wife? How do you give an explanation for the fact that Soon-Yi retainer fall out of your pant leg? Sonn-Yi is the daughter. Look her up.

Now let me get one thing straight, the whole jews apologizing to the Nazis was a joke. The Holocaust was, and still is an unforgivable act that was a crime against all man kind. The point is that you shouldn't apologize for something you didn't do. Hence, the dude that Dick Chenney shot shouldn't have apologized for being shot. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Shooting someone to find love.

So, if shooting somebody means they'll be your true love then I say fuck courting, wooing, or dating of any kind. Fuck arranged marriages or polygamy I say, Here's my idea; instead of all that you could have a fox hunt of sorts.You could corral a bunch of women, given them bullet proof vest so they'd have some protection then hunt them down. Who ever you shoot, if not in the head, would have to become your bride. See how much fun that is? See, back in the stone age it has always said that men just clubbed a woman, dragged her off and she was his. Time has marched on, and instead of a club men have just decided to use technology. Isn't invention, the mother of necessity, grand? Just think one day when you meet a couple, and you ask them how they got together the answer might be "He shot me".  Terrific! Terrific!

With that I'll leave you. So until the next rash.


Lou Ford

FIN  

                

Hello again, you know what really chaffs my nuts. Check this out:

So this six year old boy could now possibly be a sex offender due to a school rules which probably should govern more the possibility of the offense that adults can commit against each other or the children under their care, they decided to enforce those statues against a six year old boy who probably didn't know any body. I mean seriously, who the hell cares if a 6 year old kisses another 6 year's hand. I mean unless the boy is using his Toka Truck to excavate inside of the little girl then why waste the time. The little girl didn't complain, it was a kiss on the hand. Still, the school instead of being concerned about education, they suspend the boy. The result of this decision, a confusing topic that a child that age probably shouldn't be concerned about now demands answering. In the words of the young boys mother, " This is taking it to the extreme. Now my son is asking 'What is sex, Mommy?'" 

At first that question would have been easy to answer, you would have had to tell the young boy about how when mommies and daddies love each other very much they hug each, or maybe that the stork brought him or some shit. Now instead there is a possibility that your gonna have to explain it to him interns of biological and anatomically. Either way the out come, thanks to that school, isn't going to be very good. Observe: 

    

The question that I have is why isn't the school concerned about the Bitter special education teacher. You know the one. He's the one who if only he's kissed more ass in college he wouldn't be stuck in a dead end live sucking job that is so demeaning that one day he'll drink himself into a oblivion. Or he just won't show up for work, and after the neighbor complain of a horrible smell.  Days later the police will find his body. He's the same guy who would probably kill his mother and then just start cashing in her social security checks. He's the type of guy who would sneak into the lady's room to master-bate while choking on the used tampons and make up sponges that were discarded in the trash can. Disgusting isn't it. But, in all honesty, I wasn't really sure if there was ever a case where a child as young as 6 years old had ever been the perpetrator of sexual assault or sexual harassment. From my research, I discovered some very interesting and eye opening things.  

When I first began my research I didn't really think that it was something existed per say, but I was surprised to discover that there were actual instances of this child-on-child sexual abuse. While there may be many instances of something such as sibling sexual activity , in a lot of cases the activity is innocent in the terms of neither of children involved completly understanding how inappropriate those actions are. Behavior in other instances has been out right molestation. But the simply fact is that it is a very complicated issue that involves many complex ingredients. The difference between those kids that have made mistakes and can be rehabilitate, and those that will continue on the path of being future adult rapist and/or pedophile is not a straight forward road. However that hasn't necessarily stopped the stigma. Now don't get me wrong, an early teen who sexually assaults another child should be put on the sex offenders list at least for a period of time if not permanently; especially if the behavior continues. Anyone who commits a sex crime should prosecuted, and be listed as a sex offender. On the other hand when our society takes a six year old who kissed another child's hand as being sexual harassment, then we got a serious fucking problem. I mean we are taking about a country with a state who a few years ago had a 8-year-old child on their registry. Now please understand that this isn't coming from a journalist perspective. There is much more research that needs to be done. I had just read an article in USA Today.  All the circumstances involved in the 8-year-old in Delaware that was on the sex offenders list was not explained. I'm not the one to judge, but still on the outside I can only ask one question. That question is What the Fuck?

 So the basic idea is if your child is part of that school yard rhyme "Someone and someone sitting in a tree ..." then there is a good chance that they will become a poster child for a kiddie version of Megan's Law. That might also mean that excessive hugging would put your kid at risk of being an offender. 

So, here is an idea, maybe we should be more concerned by the assistant T-ball couch who has the eerie glazed over expression, believes that disney films contain all you need to know in life, and takes the team's uniform measurements himself behind the tool shed. Maybe we should be more concerned about that guy who's watch Nickelodeon in the nude than a 6-year-old kissing another 6-year-old on the hand. And while we're at it maybe we need to educate our children about such things as "good touch, bad touch". Morality might work to, and maybe not being such a tight asses that nuclear energy produced inside our collective rectums. 

But enough of this serious hubbub; to lighten the mood here is a joke. Enjoy!   

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replies, "The stork brings them."

Little Johnny, puzzeled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"

Before I say goodbye let me reiterate that I do not under any circumstances excuse the act of rape, or sexual assault. Rape, and any form of sexual assault is wrong. This instance was bullshit though. If I have offended any one, I am sorry.  

Until the next rash,

Lou Ford

FIN