A Bullet for your Soulmate.

Hey, you want to know what really chaffs my nuts. This: 

So basically if you really want to find your soulmate don't go on the internet, don't date, just shoot the fucker. Then WHAMMO! The bullet with it's loving enduring lead will magically make the pain torn flesh, and shattered bone into a gunshot wound of intimacy, trust, passion and fidelity. I mean if I had known that it would have been that easy to get a girlfriend I would have "busted a cap a in a bitch's ass" years ago. Of course I'm married now, but I guess if I really wanted to to rekindle our romance I could always shoot her.

Seriously, just imagine she gets shot, and I present her with flowers. Then we can use the wound as a makeshift vase. Or if we wanted to try something new, I mean she'd have an extra hole, so ya know ...  There's  new position, hey even a new slang. A whole new genera. And just think of all the role playing games. I could be Dick Chenney and she could be Harry Whittington. That's the guy Dick shot. And by the way, why the hell would you apologize for being shot. I mean unless your behaving in a manor that required that kind of intervention like chasing school children around with a chainsaw. Unless your try to fuck a deer or some shit, or forcing senior citizens to make holiday teddy bears in exchange for their adult diapers and heart medication. If that is not the case then you shouldn't be apologizing for getting shot. That's what Harry Whittington did after Satan himself, good ol' Dick shot him. I mean that's like the Jews apologizing to the German's for the Holocaust.

Can you image that? Seriously? A rabbi comes to a podium, and apologizes to the great "exalted Aryans" for what? Their hebrew Adrian Brody noses? Say he's sorry as whole for their penny pinching or they're ability to "us'd" prices down. How about apologizing for they're glissing chest hairs, and their nasally voices. They could have also said they were sorry for their sense of humor. Sorry for Mel Brooks, Ben Stiller, and Andy Samberg. He could apologize for Vaudeville, and dancing yiddish clowns. But the one thing he could have really apologized for was Woody Allen. I mean Woody is a great director, but a daughter-wife? How do you give an explanation for the fact that Soon-Yi retainer fall out of your pant leg? Sonn-Yi is the daughter. Look her up.

Now let me get one thing straight, the whole jews apologizing to the Nazis was a joke. The Holocaust was, and still is an unforgivable act that was a crime against all man kind. The point is that you shouldn't apologize for something you didn't do. Hence, the dude that Dick Chenney shot shouldn't have apologized for being shot. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Shooting someone to find love.

So, if shooting somebody means they'll be your true love then I say fuck courting, wooing, or dating of any kind. Fuck arranged marriages or polygamy I say, Here's my idea; instead of all that you could have a fox hunt of sorts.You could corral a bunch of women, given them bullet proof vest so they'd have some protection then hunt them down. Who ever you shoot, if not in the head, would have to become your bride. See how much fun that is? See, back in the stone age it has always said that men just clubbed a woman, dragged her off and she was his. Time has marched on, and instead of a club men have just decided to use technology. Isn't invention, the mother of necessity, grand? Just think one day when you meet a couple, and you ask them how they got together the answer might be "He shot me".  Terrific! Terrific!

With that I'll leave you. So until the next rash.


Lou Ford

FIN