Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? This:

Rocky The Musical? And we thought Seussical was bad, and that was in english. This premiered in German. WOW!  Really? The film "Rocky" turned into a musical? What the fuck was somebody thinking? Let's go over this bullshit. Most of us know that "Rocky" was a rags to riches story about a mildly mental challenged debt collector for a loan shark who uses his retard strength to achieve the American Dream. That dream gaining unearned fame and prosperity by any means necessary,  even brutal force. Just like a reality TV Star. I mean if you can't get your big break from pulling and reading the lottery numbers on the locale news then you can always resort to giving the most whitest Hispanic in the World a hot tub Handy J on national TV.  The movie" Rocky " is similar to Al Capone, or J.K. Rowling only with boxing gloves, facial paralysis and brain damage.  

Rocky,  I mean seriously? That was the best material someone could choose to make a stage play that an audience could relate to? I get that it's an under dog story and all, but still rooting for a guy who spends part of his time beaten on meat? Really? By beating meat I don't mean jerking off. I mean literally going to a slaughter house and beaten on meat hanging from a hook. That's great for a movie because Stallone didn't have to sing; he just had to play Rocky.  Rocky was Sylvester, or a somewhat adorable halfwit. Okay maybe not adorable, but there were moments when I wanted to just hug him before taking him out into the woods to put him out of his misery. Just like "Of Mice And Men" I was waiting for that moment when Rocky would tell his coach, Mickey, that he had done a bad thing, and they'd have to go on the run away.  Oh, and the book "Of Mice And Men" is a classic. You want to know the story google it. Back to the topic, a musical? What The Fuck? 

I mean that's about as brilliant as a musical based on the 80's TV show "The A-Team", or "Charles In Charge". And by the way since when was Scott Baio still alive. I thought he was dead, and then one day BAM.  There he was in some TV ad for some charity foundation he and his wife started.  Since when was he still breathing.  Did one of those 80's sweater on his show save his life?  I thought for sure he would have gone out the way of David Carradine.  I had hoped if he hadn't been the victim of autoerotic asphyxia then at least he'd be a security guard at a high school where his purpose was to remind kids that it's cool to stay in school, that drugs are bad, and short of Bill Crosby no one survived an 80's sitcom, especially as a child actor.

There is only one thing worse than that.   Philadelphia: The Musical.  You know the movie where a man with AIDS is fired from his law firm so he hires a homophobic lawyer to represent him in a wrongful dismissal suit.  It stared Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington.  Just picture that.  A cast member from the play rent singing "I HAVE AIDS!". T hen the token black actor who plays Denzel's character would melodramatically pull his hand way for fear of being infected.  That is terribly inappropriate.  A ghastly path on the low road.  That's similar to black face and holocaust jokes being in bad taste.  Well, that's putting it mildly that those two things would and are in bad taste.  The Teletubbies definitely fall into that category, and most of Kevin Costner's career.  The "Rock" Dwyane Johnson's acting career is horrendous too.  So are Mel Gibson's personal beliefs, along with Kenya West's sense of reality, they are pretty inappropriate.  You get my drift."Rocky The Musical". The only thing I can say is what the fuck was someone thinking? 

So inclosing, the best thing to do is not to have a musical based on Rocky persay. Instead have "Sly" Stallone come out on stage in a school boy outfit, or a sailor suit and sing nursery rhymes.  Even better, have him all decked out as one of the cast members of "CATS", and have him attempt to sing           
"Memories".  Then to make it more interesting we could bring out Tony Danza , Corky from the show "Life Goes On", and Rush Limbaugh after a bottle of pain killers he washed down with two litters of Crush soda.  Crush soda; the drink of choice for stoners, children and Type 2 diabetics. Why is that? Anyway, watch this clip:

Tell me that wouldn't perfect. Tell me something like that wouldn't sell to sold out theaters of people who just couldn't advert their eyes away from the train wreck. Seriously. With that I'll let you all go.



Until the next rash,



Lou Ford