Hello and welcome to another episode of what really chaffs my nuts.
Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? What really chaffs my nuts is Valentines Day. While I haven't had the chance to completely finish my rant on Valentines Day, I will leave with a Valentines Day Haiku. Actually it's not your typical Haiku, but you'll get the point.
Darth Vader
A Sad HandJob
Waking up half naked in a Denny's parking lot.
So, until I have the full rant on Valentines Day finished I will leave you with this. HAPPY POST VALENTINES DAY! My post-post rant will be here in a couple of days.
Until the next rash,
Lou Ford.
FIN
Friday, January 31, 2014
Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? This:
Rocky The Musical? And we thought Seussical was bad, and that was in english. This premiered in German. WOW! Really? The film "Rocky" turned into a musical? What the fuck was somebody thinking? Let's go over this bullshit. Most of us know that "Rocky" was a rags to riches story about a mildly mental challenged debt collector for a loan shark who uses his retard strength to achieve the American Dream. That dream gaining unearned fame and prosperity by any means necessary, even brutal force. Just like a reality TV Star. I mean if you can't get your big break from pulling and reading the lottery numbers on the locale news then you can always resort to giving the most whitest Hispanic in the World a hot tub Handy J on national TV. The movie" Rocky " is similar to Al Capone, or J.K. Rowling only with boxing gloves, facial paralysis and brain damage.
Rocky, I mean seriously? That was the best material someone could choose to make a stage play that an audience could relate to? I get that it's an under dog story and all, but still rooting for a guy who spends part of his time beaten on meat? Really? By beating meat I don't mean jerking off. I mean literally going to a slaughter house and beaten on meat hanging from a hook. That's great for a movie because Stallone didn't have to sing; he just had to play Rocky. Rocky was Sylvester, or a somewhat adorable halfwit. Okay maybe not adorable, but there were moments when I wanted to just hug him before taking him out into the woods to put him out of his misery. Just like "Of Mice And Men" I was waiting for that moment when Rocky would tell his coach, Mickey, that he had done a bad thing, and they'd have to go on the run away. Oh, and the book "Of Mice And Men" is a classic. You want to know the story google it. Back to the topic, a musical? What The Fuck?
I mean that's about as brilliant as a musical based on the 80's TV show "The A-Team", or "Charles In Charge". And by the way since when was Scott Baio still alive. I thought he was dead, and then one day BAM. There he was in some TV ad for some charity foundation he and his wife started. Since when was he still breathing. Did one of those 80's sweater on his show save his life? I thought for sure he would have gone out the way of David Carradine. I had hoped if he hadn't been the victim of autoerotic asphyxia then at least he'd be a security guard at a high school where his purpose was to remind kids that it's cool to stay in school, that drugs are bad, and short of Bill Crosby no one survived an 80's sitcom, especially as a child actor. There is only one thing worse than that. Philadelphia: The Musical. You know the movie where a man with AIDS is fired from his law firm so he hires a homophobic lawyer to represent him in a wrongful dismissal suit. It stared Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington. Just picture that. A cast member from the play rent singing "I HAVE AIDS!". T hen the token black actor who plays Denzel's character would melodramatically pull his hand way for fear of being infected. That is terribly inappropriate. A ghastly path on the low road. That's similar to black face and holocaust jokes being in bad taste. Well, that's putting it mildly that those two things would and are in bad taste. The Teletubbies definitely fall into that category, and most of Kevin Costner's career. The "Rock" Dwyane Johnson's acting career is horrendous too. So are Mel Gibson's personal beliefs, along with Kenya West's sense of reality, they are pretty inappropriate. You get my drift."Rocky The Musical". The only thing I can say is what the fuck was someone thinking? So inclosing, the best thing to do is not to have a musical based on Rocky persay. Instead have "Sly" Stallone come out on stage in a school boy outfit, or a sailor suit and sing nursery rhymes. Even better, have him all decked out as one of the cast members of "CATS", and have him attempt to sing
"Memories". Then to make it more interesting we could bring out Tony Danza , Corky from the show "Life Goes On", and Rush Limbaugh after a bottle of pain killers he washed down with two litters of Crush soda. Crush soda; the drink of choice for stoners, children and Type 2 diabetics. Why is that? Anyway, watch this clip:
Tell me that wouldn't perfect. Tell me something like that wouldn't sell to sold out theaters of people who just couldn't advert their eyes away from the train wreck. Seriously. With that I'll let you all go.
Hey, you want to know what really chaffs my nuts. This:
So basically if you really want to find your soulmate don't go on the internet, don't date, just shoot the fucker. Then WHAMMO! The bullet with it's loving enduring lead will magically make the pain torn flesh, and shattered bone into a gunshot wound of intimacy, trust, passion and fidelity. I mean if I had known that it would have been that easy to get a girlfriend I would have "busted a cap a in a bitch's ass" years ago. Of course I'm married now, but I guess if I really wanted to to rekindle our romance I could always shoot her.
Seriously, just imagine she gets shot, and I present her with flowers. Then we can use the wound as a makeshift vase. Or if we wanted to try something new, I mean she'd have an extra hole, so ya know ... There's new position, hey even a new slang. A whole new genera. And just think of all the role playing games. I could be Dick Chenney and she could be Harry Whittington. That's the guy Dick shot. And by the way, why the hell would you apologize for being shot. I mean unless your behaving in a manor that required that kind of intervention like chasing school children around with a chainsaw. Unless your try to fuck a deer or some shit, or forcing senior citizens to make holiday teddy bears in exchange for their adult diapers and heart medication. If that is not the case then you shouldn't be apologizing for getting shot. That's what Harry Whittington did after Satan himself, good ol' Dick shot him. I mean that's like the Jews apologizing to the German's for the Holocaust.
Can you image that? Seriously? A rabbi comes to a podium, and apologizes to the great "exalted Aryans" for what? Their hebrew Adrian Brody noses? Say he's sorry as whole for their penny pinching or they're ability to "us'd" prices down. How about apologizing for they're glissing chest hairs, and their nasally voices. They could have also said they were sorry for their sense of humor. Sorry for Mel Brooks, Ben Stiller, and Andy Samberg. He could apologize for Vaudeville, and dancing yiddish clowns. But the one thing he could have really apologized for was Woody Allen. I mean Woody is a great director, but a daughter-wife? How do you give an explanation for the fact that Soon-Yi retainer fall out of your pant leg? Sonn-Yi is the daughter. Look her up.
Now let me get one thing straight, the whole jews apologizing to the Nazis was a joke. The Holocaust was, and still is an unforgivable act that was a crime against all man kind. The point is that you shouldn't apologize for something you didn't do. Hence, the dude that Dick Chenney shot shouldn't have apologized for being shot. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Shooting someone to find love.
So, if shooting somebody means they'll be your true love then I say fuck courting, wooing, or dating of any kind. Fuck arranged marriages or polygamy I say, Here's my idea; instead of all that you could have a fox hunt of sorts.You could corral a bunch of women, given them bullet proof vest so they'd have some protection then hunt them down. Who ever you shoot, if not in the head, would have to become your bride. See how much fun that is? See, back in the stone age it has always said that men just clubbed a woman, dragged her off and she was his. Time has marched on, and instead of a club men have just decided to use technology. Isn't invention, the mother of necessity, grand? Just think one day when you meet a couple, and you ask them how they got together the answer might be "He shot me". Terrific! Terrific!
With that I'll leave you. So until the next rash.
Lou Ford
FIN
Monday, January 6, 2014
Hello again, you know what really chaffs my nuts. Check this out:
So this six year old boy could now possibly be a sex offender due to a school rules which probably should govern more the possibility of the offense that adults can commit against each other or the children under their care, they decided to enforce those statues against a six year old boy who probably didn't know any body. I mean seriously, who the hell cares if a 6 year old kisses another 6 year's hand. I mean unless the boy is using his Toka Truck to excavate inside of the little girl then why waste the time. The little girl didn't complain, it was a kiss on the hand. Still, the school instead of being concerned about education, they suspend the boy. The result of this decision, a confusing topic that a child that age probably shouldn't be concerned about now demands answering. In the words of the young boys mother, " This is taking it to the extreme. Now my son is asking 'What is sex, Mommy?'"
At first that question would have been easy to answer, you would have had to tell the young boy about how when mommies and daddies love each other very much they hug each, or maybe that the stork brought him or some shit. Now instead there is a possibility that your gonna have to explain it to him interns of biological and anatomically. Either way the out come, thanks to that school, isn't going to be very good. Observe:
The question that I have is why isn't the school concerned about the Bitter special education teacher. You know the one. He's the one who if only he's kissed more ass in college he wouldn't be stuck in a dead end live sucking job that is so demeaning that one day he'll drink himself into a oblivion. Or he just won't show up for work, and after the neighbor complain of a horrible smell. Days later the police will find his body. He's the same guy who would probably kill his mother and then just start cashing in her social security checks. He's the type of guy who would sneak into the lady's room to master-bate while choking on the used tampons and make up sponges that were discarded in the trash can. Disgusting isn't it. But, in all honesty, I wasn't really sure if there was ever a case where a child as young as 6 years old had ever been the perpetrator of sexual assault or sexual harassment. From my research, I discovered some very interesting and eye opening things.
When I first began my research I didn't really think that it was something existed per say, but I was surprised to discover that there were actual instances of this child-on-child sexual abuse. While there may be many instances of something such as sibling sexual activity , in a lot of cases the activity is innocent in the terms of neither of children involved completly understanding how inappropriate those actions are. Behavior in other instances has been out right molestation. But the simply fact is that it is a very complicated issue that involves many complex ingredients. The difference between those kids that have made mistakes and can be rehabilitate, and those that will continue on the path of being future adult rapist and/or pedophile is not a straight forward road. However that hasn't necessarily stopped the stigma. Now don't get me wrong, an early teen who sexually assaults another child should be put on the sex offenders list at least for a period of time if not permanently; especially if the behavior continues. Anyone who commits a sex crime should prosecuted, and be listed as a sex offender. On the other hand when our society takes a six year old who kissed another child's hand as being sexual harassment, then we got a serious fucking problem. I mean we are taking about a country with a state who a few years ago had a 8-year-old child on their registry. Now please understand that this isn't coming from a journalist perspective. There is much more research that needs to be done. I had just read an article in USA Today. All the circumstances involved in the 8-year-old in Delaware that was on the sex offenders list was not explained. I'm not the one to judge, but still on the outside I can only ask one question. That question is What the Fuck?
So the basic idea is if your child is part of that school yard rhyme "Someone and someone sitting in a tree ..." then there is a good chance that they will become a poster child for a kiddie version of Megan's Law. That might also mean that excessive hugging would put your kid at risk of being an offender.
So, here is an idea, maybe we should be more concerned by the assistant T-ball couch who has the eerie glazed over expression, believes that disney films contain all you need to know in life, and takes the team's uniform measurements himself behind the tool shed. Maybe we should be more concerned about that guy who's watch Nickelodeon in the nude than a 6-year-old kissing another 6-year-old on the hand. And while we're at it maybe we need to educate our children about such things as "good touch, bad touch". Morality might work to, and maybe not being such a tight asses that nuclear energy produced inside our collective rectums.
But enough of this serious hubbub; to lighten the mood here is a joke. Enjoy!
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzeled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"
Before I say goodbye let me reiterate that I do not under any circumstances excuse the act of rape, or sexual assault. Rape, and any form of sexual assault is wrong. This instance was bullshit though. If I have offended any one, I am sorry.
You know what really chaffs my nuts? Do you really know what chaffs my nuts? Game shows; the new ones, not the old ones. The new ones, and that includes the reality TV ones like Project Runway and the Bachelor. I mean I hate them. But then I thought of something. Everybody is having these huge debates about health care so I got an idea. See, I saw one of those "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" commercial, and I got to thinking why not make obtaining prescriptions, and approval for medical procedures fun.
Why not do something like "What would you do for your insulin?". How about "Wheel of Valtrex" or how about for a board game called "The Game of Gonorrhea"? For another board game we could have "AIDS Monopoly"? There are so many options. By the way here is some fun that can be had with Type 2 Diabetes:
I thought about it some more, and I thought why not make it interesting for the elderly folks as well. Why not have something like "Hip Replacement Bingo". It could also be just "Medical Procedure Approval Bingo". That name is a bit long but you get the premise. See what I'm saying? We could take something that is potentially a national tragedy and turn it into fun. I mean our nation used to have draft raffles, so why not do the same only have there be a bigger payoff. Oh and before I forget; instead of the "Newly Wed Game" it could be "The Newly Infected Game". Are you offended? Well, just think about it for a moment.
I mean with all the obesity, heart disease, and type 2 diabetes I just figured we could either make our demise a little more interesting than laughing at the fat kid waddling home from school. It's either that or finding a way for America as a whole to become healthier. The chances of that happening are about as slim as removing glow sticks ecstasy rollin' ravers. How about as slim a chance as Richard Gere being able to live down the gerbil rumor.
I mean how could you possible live down a rumor about a rumor of a sex act that involves a gerbil tub, a live gerbil, lube, and your ass. I mean seriously how do you explain that to a doctor? Do you roll up discretely in a limo, and then waddle (or limp) into the E.R. and tell them what? Tell them that the heat had been turned off in your apartment and you were just trying to keep your best friend warm? How about that it's your child, but it's just a birth defect? What about telling the doctor that you were just following orders and the small creature inside of you, well he's the one in charge? Seriously? Anyone got an answer? When you do let me know.
Back to the subject at hand; how else can health care be made fun? What are other ways that we can make health care fun for the whole family? While there are so many ways, but I want to keep this fairly short. So, here is my last idea. Ready? My last idea is a game called Kevorkian Roulette. Kevorkian as in Dr. Kevorkian. If you don't know who he is then Google him. The game is just like Russian Roulette only it involves euthanasia. It would be played like this; there could be several IVs with one containing poison while all the others contain saline. Now you would take several terminally ill patients and they would take turns being hooked up to each IV, and the one who dies first loses. What is the reward, rather the prize? The winner gets all the medical treatment they need free of charge. Or maybe the prize is death. The one who puts himself out of his misery first wins. Either way it just depends on your perspective. So with that I will leave you.
Hello again, and welcome to another episode of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". This one isn't one where I'm gonna rant, but instead I'm just going to show you what I think Christmas means to us these days. Observe:
So, for right now I'll wish you a happy holidays.
Until the next rash,
Lou Ford
FIN
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Hi. Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? Well, actually who? This guy:
There are so many things that I could say about this, but I think I'll leave it to South Park first. Take it away Tray and Matt.
The reason why I say this is because of this:
Girlfriend to deputies: George Zimmerman pointed a shotgun at me
What was deal was that Zimmerman had been arrested after a domestic dispute occurred where apparently George Zimmerman had threatened his girlfriend with a shotgun. When authorities arrived he had barricaded himself in the home that his girlfriend and he were sharing after his divorce. So, now while he was released he has to stay away from his girlfriend, surrender all of his fire arms, and wear a satellite monitor.
Ok, so I lied. I do got a little to say. The one question I got is why the hell would you after being the center of a contrives that had the potential to have worse consequences than The Rodney King trails, and Ben Affleck possibly playing batman, why would you still find ways to thrust yourself into the media spot light. Seriously? Getting pulled over several time, and then being involved in a previous domestic dispute with your ex-wife and her father. A dispute that involves of all things, but the exact thing that gotten you in trouble the first place, a firearm. And yes, George did help a family that had gotten into a car accident, but still two domestic violence incidents that involve guns. I mean George has become the walking poster child for irresponsibility gun ownership. he's kinda going the way of O..J. post murder trial only he never had a promising career. He was just some hack of wanna-be-cop with a nice little stock pile of firearms that he could use to be a hero. Tracking down a teen who was walking home, and then killing him is an honorable thing I got to say. That's like holding up a 7-11 on Christmas Eve, and then wishing the cashier a Happy Holiday. How about taking the already existing phrase "That's Hot" claiming it as your own, and then trying to patient it. How about being a politician who swears up and down that you love equality, but then taking almost every step short of setting a barricade to stop minorities from voting. And for that matter just being a politician.
You know how they say in Hollywood you don't go to jail for killing your wife, you just the pay a really big fine. Well the same applies here. The soothing of a paranoid suburban community was worth the life of a black kid. It's kinda like Charlie Sheen. Sure he abuses every woman he's ever come into contact with. I mean so his sons are sociopaths in training, but hey, that's the price you pay for "Two And Half Men". How about Walmart? I mean they rip off their employees and the overseas slave labor they employ, but they hire veterans. It's all good.
The good news is it ain't all bad. George has a friend. Check this out:
See, George has got a friend. See Zimmerman, you got a friend a friend in a fellow gun owner who shoot a young African American. I think it would be nice to tell him that. We should tell that jackass that.
But seriously, before I sign off let us look at that picture responsible gun owner ship.
And just for fun here's another stellar example of steadfast gun ownership. Ready for this one:
