Banish the Snow Flake, and Christ is dead.

This may seem like an over view of an incident that happened this past holiday season, and in part it is, but when you read it I think that you'll see how it ties into the over all chaffing of the topic. So, just bare with me and enjoy.  

You know what really chaffs my nuts? How everybody always bitches about Starbucks. While it's gets really damn annoying to hear about how people can't stand such things as the they're method of cup sizes, the straw that broke the camels back was the whole snowflake on the cup incident and the "war on Christmas". For anyone who hadn't been paying attention people got pissed when Starbucks decided that for this past Christmas they would not have anything like snowflakes on their cup, and instead it would be just red. Well, the person who got pissed was James Earl Feuerstein who declared it was proof of the war on Christmas/Christianity. Yes that supposed on going attack on Christianity which has been refreshed by Joshua Feuerstein, who is 

Joshua kinda looks like a rage full version of Silent Bob
from the movie Clerks.

a media savvy evangelist who basically said that Starbucks was taking the Christmas out of Christmas. In response to the red cup he called on Christians everywhere to go to the coffee chain, order a cup and tell them their name was Merry Christmas. The result being that Merry Christmas would be written on the cup which would break the neutral stance the company had on the holidays. Redonkulass. All that over a paper coffee cup. Again for anyone who has forgotten or just didn't pay attention, there was this huge backlash over the Starbucks deciding not to have snowflakes on their coffee cups. Now it is just a red cup. When the news got out about there was an outcry that the coffee company was killing Christmas because their cup didn't have that kind of precipitation on it. Now I asked myself is a damn snow flake a symbol of Christmas? The answer is ...NO! A snow flake is not a symbol of damn Christmas. And what is the problem with the logo? That is another thing that chaffs me. All the critics say it's a succubus. Well douches it's not, it's a siren. See, a siren was a temptress that lead sailors to their death by luring them so they would shipwreck on the rocky shores of their island. They were described as either being bird or mermaid like depending on the story. The point of the logo was not to suggest the demise of of their customers but rather to suggest the irresistible and seductive quality 

This is a Siren. A kinda mermaid creature, in some myths.

of the coffee. A succubus, on the other hand, was a demonic creature that attacked men sexually (usually) while they were asleep. While the siren logo may not have been the best choice it certainly didn't have to do with sexual assault. There is a big difference between the two, so please do us all a favor and do your research before you run your mouth. Now back to the damn snowflake. 

  What the hell is the issue? Honestly, it's a form of precipitation, not a star which is a fucking ball of burning gas in space. That however, is a symbol of Christianity which for some reason is a bit ridiculous when you think about it. Still the star is mentioned in the story of Jesus' birth, so it means something. Regardless, I wondered what all the fuss was about a red cup, so I found an article in The Washington Post about what symbols are connected to Christmas. The link is bellow, check it out.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/is-this-starbucks-cup-christmasy-enough-a-guide-to-the-secret-meaning-of-holiday-symbols/2015/11/11/a37e41e4-8884-11e5-be8b-1ae2e4f50f76_story.html

 If you've read the article you'd know that the snow flake is not a christian symbol. Anyway, I thought that the snowflake attack on Christmas was bullshit so I went to get a cup of coffee to see if I would suffer any of the old testament plagues. I took a sip of the coffee expecting to enjoy an excellent cup of java, but instead this happened.

I felt it overcome me, consuming my very being, and causing  me to conclude the impossible. I drank the coffee and then Baby Jesus cried. That's right Starbucks, you made baby Jesus cry. That right Starbucks, you killed Christmas! SANTA is dead because of you! NO SANTA! Stay with me! Stay with me! Don't you give up on me. Think of the children. THINK OF THE CHILDREN! NO! Damn you Starbucks! Damn you and your red cup of oppression. 

IT"S YOUR FAULT STARBUCKS! BANISH
 THE SNOWFLAKE, AND CHRISTMAS DIES! THEN
THE WORLD! WHY! WHY!

I tasted the bitter shame of a sinner. That's right, the tears of Baby Jesus had floored me washing away everything leaving only my naked shivering soul. Oh, the pain. I felt his sorrow, and it filled me, like Tara Reid's tummy is filled with vodka and the morning after pill. Oh Lord, Christianity is being torn apart. The world is over, and it's all your fault. You did this you did this! You upset people who think that flamboyancy is a tool of the devil, and that the a paper cup will destroy their faith. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! Do think that Santa ate cookies because they were a treat? NO! He was eating his feeling and now he's dead. LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID! Look at it!

Babies are cry. You made babies cry! Their tears are eroding
 their tiny innocent souls. WHY! WHY! HOW COULD YOU
STARBUCKS? They're just children!

  I get that some are disappointed that Starbucks didn't have a festive cup, but how has that taking Christ out of Christmas? Seriously, and for that matter, would the holy grail have to fucking have snow flakes on it? Would it have to have other Christmassy decorations for  some Christians to accept? 
"That's not the grail! It doesn't have snowflakes, the nativity scene, or Christmas phrase like "let it snow"! Blasphemer! 
It's cool though, and besides there's a replacement, the patrol men's Mecca. That would be Duncan Donuts, and their styrofoam cup that said joy. Yup, that one just personified Christmas. I saw that and I just thought giving, joy, love, selflessness, and Jesus. That's the company that sells lattes too, but nobody there actually know what a latte is. Seriously, you order a latte and they ask you if you want milk. That's what a latte is, espresso with steamed milk. 

I get that some people some people find a lot of aspects of Starbucks to be pretentious, and snobby. I understand the whole size thing, venti sounds yuppie as hell, but seriously, get off Starbucks dick. They're a company selling coffee, not god in the case of the snowflake. 

Seriously, there is a restaurant chain out there called Bojangales'. Yes, I'll repeat that; BO-FUCKIN'-JANGLES'.

A restaurant that is basically named after a racial slur for a black man exists, and no one bitches about that. Instead assholes decide to complain about the branding of the cup sizes at Starbucks, or a fuckin' red cup at Christmas. I mean the only thing missing to make eating there an absolute guarantee of burning in hell would be black face and a water melon patch. And if you don't believe me, and you're saying "if it's an acceptable name for a restaurant then how is it a problem?". I dare you to call the ACLU and ask to talk to Mr. Bojangles. Do it. The number is 212-549-2500. In fact walk away from your computer right now, and go up to a random black dude on the street and call him Bojangles. Go do it. I'll wait right here. Go on, and afterwards write about your experience in the comment section below. Be honest, please? Whatever happened whether it be a beating, cursed out, or a law suit I most definitely know it wasn't good. Why the hell are people ripping at their hair and gnashing their teeth over cup color, or size. It's called branding, or a way to make your product different and stand out. If you don't believe me then have you ever heard of the phrase "super size me"? 

Please, everybody get off Starbucks dick, especially you douche Joshua Feuerstein. They sell high quality coffee (depending on who you talk to anyway), not that swill that delis, and convenience  stores sell. Not that flavored coffee that is pumped full of so much flavor syrup that it tastes like someone ground up pumpkin, spices, and then put it into a dump truck full of aspartame. Then that said someone dumped that pungent blend into a percolator, yeah that horrible coffee.

I get the annoyance, but also almost everybody goes there to get a cup, and the same complaint; it so snobbish. So I got a question, why the fuck you giving them business? It's fucking coffee, not a visit to the D.M.V. , or deciding which mooch to elect for congress. Congress, rich man's welfare recipients. You don't have to do it, unlike the D.M.V. or voting, that is if you want there to be a chance of things changing. Maybe I should say voting is mandatory if you want to hold on to the dream that some of those douchebags who are elected will actually do that. And let me make this clear, especially to you Joshua Feuerstein (the prick who started the whole snowflake thing) Starbucks has not taken Christ out of Christmas, they never have. And as much as Starbucks maybe pretentious it ain't all that bad; it's coffee so stop bitchin'. I could go on but I think I got most of that shit out of my system. So I 'll just leave you with this idea that I just came up with. Christian themed coffee drinks like the Nativuccino. It's an espresso drink with an extra shot of messiah. Chew on that for a while. Until the next

rash, 


Lou Ford




FIN

P.S.

Just a reminder,

Tis' the Season for guilty giving.

Hey, and welcome to another installment of What Really Chaffs My Nuts. I will be posting a Holiday rant soon, but until then I thought I would just give ya a taste of what is to come. So here is something that really chaffs me; those Christmas ads for Zales about diamond jewelry being the best gift that truly shows how much you love your lover. I won't explain it to ya though. I'll let Adam do it for me. Enjoy!

And here is another thing that chaffs me; the bullshit canned food drive that everybody donates to because they feel guilt in this season of giving.

And now for the last thing is this song about the 12 days of Christmas. Enjoy!

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN

Happy Pills!

The Holidays are here, and that means stress. Even more important and debilitating are the resentments that are covered by like cheap presents, with almost transparent holiday cheer. But not to worry, I found a cure. So, read this and find comfort in the possibility of being numb enough to survive the season with out a care in the world. Enjoy!

The holidays are coming, and you know what that means. It means; crisp colorful leaves, cool autumn breezes, thankful gratitude, good food, football, hot chocolate, decorations, snow, presents, and joyous family unity. But let's be honest, do you really enjoy those gathering with those dysfunctional, drunken pricks. How many people's holidays are supposed to be like this:

  Only they turn into this? 

Well don't make that face

And don't rush out to overstock on shotgun shell. No you don't need them yet (yet is the operative word). Not with these Happy Pills we're selling. Divorce The World Happy Pills.  There is no need when you have these. Yes, that's right! No more will you need to deal with the damage inflicted by your family through alcoholism, drug addiction, compulsive shopping or,   awkward sexual encounters at truck stop glory holes with strangers of questionable character. No need in containing and bottling up the rage until one day you literally bludgeon a meter maid to dead with the ticket they issue you for only being a minute over on meter.

 And I mean seriously, who the hell made them god? They're predators, they are. They lie in wait, and then when you're having a bad day, they give you a ticket, for something stupid. To top it off they do it in front of you with a snot nose "talk to the hand" attitude that is so chafing that it literally stupefies you down a few pegs to the point at which you almost swallow your tongue rather than being able to pronounce a syllable. They're fucking god's lit' kidney punches. They are.  You can use these pills  for them too. Actually, scratch  that next time you see one kick em' in the nuts, or the vagina. It feel good, almost like therapy. 

But back to the topic. Family. That's right, the universe's way of reminding you that forced sterilization may not be that bad. 

Maybe forced sterilization is that bad?

Yes? No? Eh? It's hard to say. 

While you may be harping on that idea, just remember that with these pills everything will be fine. Why? Because these sweet, sweet little slices of heaven will change your reality forever. Taking these things is like divorcing the world because once swallowed there are no responsibilities or rules that you need to follow. Hence the name of Divorce The World Happy Pills .

Don't pop bland, chalky pills. YUCKY!!!

No boring, bland pills for you. No not when you can taste the rainbow!
THE RAINBOW BABY!

 Gravity, ha!  You'll be able to fly. Yup that's right gravity won't have shit on you. They 'll make you not care about anything. And it's for a reasonable price, and if it isn't? Just $19.99 for nine pills. It's a steal ( well maybe not, but after taking them, who the hell cares). Who gives a fuck? You won't. You'll have the joyous apathy of a drunken Stalin after a kick ass handy j. I mean the drug formulation contained in these tablets of tingling nirvana make you happily not give a fuck to such an extreme that if Charlie Sheen popped them he say "Hold up. 

I'm done! Take me to rehab".
So remember while the holidays are here, it doesn't mean you have to suffer. Just take the best new coping tool around, a euphoric, "I just don't give a fuck" apathy creating drug. It may suck your soul dry, but it will make the process fun. Just a reminder too, no need to be filled with dread when you can just watch the destructive spiral of dysfunction that is your family up close but at an emotional distant level of gleeful apathy. What could be better than that?

ORDER NOW!!

ORDER! Are you ordering yet? Why the hell are you still reading this ad? GO ORDER! Oh I forgot to give you the number. Call 1-800-THIS-WILL-KILL YOU ON THE INSIDE. 









Until the next rash,



Lou Ford

FIN

Even Frankenstein is a douche!

Hello, and welcome to this installment of What Really Chaffs My Nuts.   I feel that there is something I need to say. There was an incident that occurred where Donald Trump hadn't responded to a comment/question that had been made at a town hall meeting in New Hampshire. The incident occurred when an anonymous man claimed that our nation's problem is Muslims, and that our current president is a Muslim, and not even an American. Then went on claim that there were terrorist training camps in the US, and asked "when we can get rid of them?".

 Now while Obama has fucked a lot of things up royally, he is not a Muslim (not that it would matter) and he is an American. Muslims themselves are not America's number one problem, they aren't. Radical Islamic Terrorists, mass shootings, the heroin epidemic, or the economy are problems that we face. It is not ALL MUSLIMS.  Just like not all French women are snobby creatures with hairy pits. Most of them are, but a few aren't.  (Just kidding) Just like not all middle aged white guys driving vans are creepy, stalking serial murders. Again, some are, but not all. Mimes however are bad people, all of them.  Moving on.

What Really Chaffs My Nuts is slut shaming and Halloween. Why slut shaming? Well, I think that it is a disgusting thing to do just because you don't like, or agree with what someone is wearing.  Halloween, because recently I heard someone say that "Halloween was supposed to be scary, so why are there so many slutty costumes".

Now let me make one thing clear, first off, when Halloween was scary we wouldn't have had fun.  It was first started by the Celts and it was the longest night of the year.  It was a time when one believed that the veil between the living world and the world of the dead was at it’s thinnest.  Also it was the end of the harvest time. If things didn't go well you could starve that winter. The other aspect of Halloween was that it combined was the Lemuria festival. That was a time when the Romans would perform rites to expel malevolent ghosts. The church had taken both of those holidays and blended them with Christianity to attract the pagan population. The point is that Halloween hasn't been fun for all that long. Hell, trick or treating had started off as being a barter system for offering prayers for souls in Purgatory. So if you want scary then let's try the fear of possibly starving that winter because your crop harvest failed, that is unless you ate your neighbor. On top of that let us pound it into your brain that a loved one is stuck in limbo, or better known as Purgatory. It's not quiet hell but it still hurts a lot. Then be convinced that only prayers, and a heavy donation to a corrupt church will set them free. Now here's a scary costume, knock yourself out.

Now the point of this presentation is that now that Halloween is fun, it is that one-day where we can be someone else, and it’s socially acceptable. I mean during that time we celebrate murder by dressing up as killers. Granted the ones we honor are fictional, but we do nonetheless. To top that off the ones we love are child killers. Seriously, who were Jason's victims? Teens. Who were Michael Myers victims? Adolescents. Who were Freddy's? Kids, dude. Freddy, Jason, and Michael are like John Wayne Gacy. They’re just like him if he had been an other worldly soul eater, or a psycho corpse, or a stab happy mentally disturbed mute.      

     

Halloween is the one day where celebrating that is ok, unlike any other day. If your co-worker who is the cubical next to you behaved that way every day at some point you'd call security, and carry mace when you walked to your car. So my question remains, why the hell do people care if a woman decides to go as a naughty nurse for Halloween?

 Why humiliate someone just because of your personal hang ups? 

Need a break to think about it? Regardless, here's 6 seconds of K pop. Enjoy. 

That clip wasn't very good, I know. Well here is the full song, Show+Time by Hwang Min-woo.  Play and listen for as long as you can before your head explodes. It's terrible, horrible, and kinda creepy. Enjoy. 

By the way, did you know that South Korea is blaring, among other things, K pop at the North Koreans due to their repeated threats of military action?  That's right. Can you imagine? I mean there is a lot of good K pop, but just like boy bands in the west, some of those groups are about as appealing as a high school lunch lady climaxing to organism. The only thing worse than that is Japanese death metal. That music reminds me of the sound someone’s stomach when they're suffering from food poisoning. 

And another thing, did you know that the Korean War has never officially been over. There is only a truce that has been keeping the two from annihilating each other and right now they are right on the verge of war. The only thing that is more hair triggered than that is the sexual tension between Donnie and Marie Osmond.  But I've gotten off track. Damn you ADHD! Alright, I'm back. Ritalin don't fail me now! 

So back to what I was talking about. Now I get the fact that many people feel that many of the Halloween costumes made for women are offensive, and objectify women. I get that, but at the same time, people are people. Not everyone has the same beliefs, and even if they do they don't express it exactly the same way.  Just because you have body issues, or you were rejected by a waitress or a stripper doesn't mean that someone who dresses more provocatively is a whore. By the way, waitresses and strippers are very nice to you because they have to be. Why? Because they need your money. See, beauty, style, or clothing doesn't cancel out intelligence, compassion, or a good sense of humor. So while I get that many people aren't a fan due to the idea of objectification, or the double standard of it being arousing only when it might benefit someone's selfishness, or whatever the problem is. Personal attacks on individuals, however,  are uncalled for. It is out of line, cruel, and just basically a sign of assholishness. Especially on the one day of the year where anyone can be somebody they normally wouldn't dare, or can't be in real life. Remember, Halloween is supposed to be fun. So please do us all a favor and hide your judgement. Please, just like your identity, keep your judgmental opinions, and bullshit under your costume. Anyway there is something much more important to be concerned about; something much worse. That is the ADULT TRICK R' TREATERS. Grown ups in costume going around to stranger's homes begging for candy, like that isn't creepy. Just think about that for a sec. And with that I will leave you. 

Until the next rash, 


Lou Ford

FIN  

Slut Shaming and Frankenstein

Hello, and welcome to this installment of What Really Chaffs My Nuts.   I feel that there is something I need to say. There was an incident that occurred where Donald Trump hadn't responded to a comment/question that had been made at a town hall meeting in New Hampshire. The incident occurred when an anonymous man claimed that our nation's problem is Muslims, and that our current president is a Muslim, and not even an American. Then went on claim that there were terrorist training camps in the US, and asked "when we can get rid of them?".

 Now while Obama has fucked a lot of things up royally, he is not a Muslim (not that it would matter) and he is an American. Muslims themselves are not America's number one problem, they aren't. Radical Islamic Terrorists, mass shootings, the heroin epidemic, or the economy are problems that we face. It is not ALL MUSLIMS.  Just like not all French women are snobby creatures with hairy pits. Most of them are, but a few aren't.  (Just kidding) Just like not all middle aged white guys driving vans are creepy, stalking serial murders. Again, some are, but not all. Mimes however are bad people, all of them.  Moving on.

What Really Chaffs My Nuts is slut shaming and Halloween. Why slut shaming? Well, I think that it is a disgusting thing to do just because you don't like, or agree with what someone is wearing.  Halloween, because recently I heard someone say that "Halloween was supposed to be scary, so why are there so many slutty costumes".

Now let me make one thing clear, first off, when Halloween was scary we wouldn't have had fun.  It was first started by the Celts and it was the longest night of the year.  It was a time when one believed that the veil between the living world and the world of the dead was at it’s thinnest.  Also it was the end of the harvest time. If things didn't go well you could starve that winter. The other aspect of Halloween was that it combined was the Lemuria festival. That was a time when the Romans would perform rites to expel malevolent ghosts. The church had taken both of those holidays and blended them with Christianity to attract the pagan population. The point is that Halloween hasn't been fun for all that long. Hell, trick or treating had started off as being a barter system for offering prayers for souls in Purgatory. So if you want scary then let's try the fear of possibly starving that winter because your crop harvest failed, that is unless you ate your neighbor. On top of that let us pound it into your brain that a loved one is stuck in limbo, or better known as Purgatory. It's not quiet hell but it still hurts a lot. Then be convinced that only prayers, and a heavy donation to a corrupt church will set them free. Now here's a scary costume, knock yourself out.

Now the point of this presentation is that now that Halloween is fun, it is that one-day where we can be someone else, and it’s socially acceptable. I mean during that time we celebrate murder by dressing up as killers. Granted the ones we honor are fictional, but we do nonetheless. To top that off the ones we love are child killers. Seriously, who were Jason's victims? Teens. Who were Michael Myers victims? Adolescents. Who were Freddy's? Kids, dude. Freddy, Jason, and Michael are like John Wayne Gacy. They’re just like him if he had been an other worldly soul eater, or a psycho corpse, or a stab happy mentally disturbed mute.      

     

Halloween is the one day where celebrating that is ok, unlike any other day. If your co-worker who is the cubical next to you behaved that way every day at some point you'd call security, and carry mace when you walked to your car. So my question remains, why the hell do people care if a woman decides to go as a naughty nurse for Halloween?

 Why humiliate someone just because of your personal hang ups? 

Need a break to think about it? Regardless, here's 6 seconds of K pop. Enjoy. 

That clip wasn't very good, I know. Well here is the full song, Show+Time by Hwang Min-woo.  Play and listen for as long as you can before your head explodes. It's terrible, horrible, and kinda creepy. Enjoy. 

By the way, did you know that South Korea is blaring, among other things, K pop at the North Koreans due to their repeated threats of military action?  That's right. Can you imagine? I mean there is a lot of good K pop, but just like boy bands in the west, some of those groups are about as appealing as a high school lunch lady climaxing to organism. The only thing worse than that is Japanese death metal. That music reminds me of the sound someone’s stomach when they're suffering from food poisoning. 

And another thing, did you know that the Korean War has never officially been over. There is only a truce that has been keeping the two from annihilating each other and right now they are right on the verge of war. The only thing that is more hair triggered than that is the sexual tension between Donnie and Marie Osmond.  But I've gotten off track. Damn you ADHD! Alright, I'm back. Ritalin don't fail me now! 

So back to what I was talking about. Now I get the fact that many people feel that many of the Halloween costumes made for women are offensive, and objectify women. I get that, but at the same time, people are people. Not everyone has the same beliefs, and even if they do they don't express it exactly the same way.  Just because you have body issues, or you were rejected by a waitress or a stripper doesn't mean that someone who dresses more provocatively is a whore. By the way, waitresses and strippers are very nice to you because they have to be. Why? Because they need your money. See, beauty, style, or clothing doesn't cancel out intelligence, compassion, or a good sense of humor. So while I get that many people aren't a fan due to the idea of objectification, or the double standard of it being arousing only when it might benefit someone's selfishness, or whatever the problem is. Personal attacks on individuals, however,  are uncalled for. It is out of line, cruel, and just basically a sign of assholishness. Especially on the one day of the year where anyone can be somebody they normally wouldn't dare, or can't be in real life. Remember, Halloween is supposed to be fun. So please do us all a favor and hide your judgement. Please, just like your identity, keep your judgmental opinions, and bullshit under your costume. Anyway there is something much more important to be concerned about; something much worse. That is the ADULT TRICK R' TREATERS. Grown ups in costume going around to stranger's homes begging for candy, like that isn't creepy. Just think about that for a sec. And with that I will leave you. 

Until the next rash, 


Lou Ford

FIN