Saturday, September 12, 2015

No Escape, No Win

Hi everybody, and  welcome to another episode of What Really Chaffs My Nuts. This is a special episode for two very important reason, very important. First off I have decided to change the helter skelter publishing schedule of my blog to a more organized posting time. Now I will be publishing my blog once a month. I have decided to do this because with work, school, and a baby it is much easier to post once a month. It will give me more time to research, gather, and write my posts which I guessis a good thing.

Now there is something very special that I am presenting to you. An anonymous writer wrote a piece to be contributed to my blog. I am posting it now because the subject matter it deals with is relevant right now, and if I wait till October then it won't be as important. So without further a due here is what really chaffs the writer's nuts.

So maybe I'm missing the point. Maybe I'm not understanding. Maybe I'm playing devil's advocate. And who knows, maybe I'm just purely ignorant. But let's talk about the new Owen Wilson film, No Escape.

For those not aware, the film is about Owen Wilson's character, Jack, taking his family with him when he moves to “Asia”, in the middle of an uprising, for a job. I'm a firm believer in avoiding as many spoilers as possible, so all I'll say is that Jack's job in some way impacts the lives of the citizens in this unnamed Asian country, the impact isn't all good, and as a result, a lot of the citizens have become hostile towards American influence and, as such, Americans.

A lot of people are accusing this movie of being racist, xenophobic, and other race-driven buzzwords to stir up click-bait interest in their reviews. To which all I can ask is: Did you watch the movie? Did you only watch the trailer? Did you just sit in a dark room for an hour and a half?


It mostly seems to be an instance where people are looking for an excuse to get upset and riled up. In one scene in the movie, Jack is essential to helping some of the civilians get away while the protestors and riot squad close in on each other on a small street. But if you read around, people get upset because clearly the movie is implying that the civilians are helpless on their own and need a white man to protect them. However, there are several other instances in the film where Jack winds up protected by natives and civilians, and, again, if you read around, there are people complaining because the movie implies that these civilians, the natives, exist solely to protect a white man. So it's wrong if Jack protects the natives, but it's wrong if the natives protect Jack. This may be a bit of a strawman argument here, but I'd be willing to bet that, if there was a moment where Jack could have protected a civilian but, for whatever reason, he didn't, there would be some sort of communal complaint about how that implies that we as Americans consider ourselves more important. And if the opposite had played out, and a civilian didn't protect Jack when he needed the help, this same strawman would argue that the movie implies that foreigners are empathy-devoid savages.

So the only safe assumption seems to be that there be no “foreigners” in this movie that takes place in a foreign land. Which brings us back to a well-known and frequently seen problem in Hollywood: cast white-washing. You can't put out a fire by starting another fire. So then what are the filmmakers supposed to do from there? Part of the fear, the tension, that comes from this movie is that our main characters do not speak the language. At one point in the film, they find a map of the area to aid their escape, which proves useless. Why? Because the map is written in the language of the land. And the people who live there speak that language. And our main characters, Jack and his family, do not speak that language. So their map is of little use (at first). Set the movie in a country where English is spoken, and half the tension of the movie is gone. Everyone speaks the same language, communication is simplified, and presumably something can be handled. But there's also the fact that we're given a glimpse into what the problem is, and it's a problem that is seen mostly in the third-world. And there aren't too many third-world countries where the primary language is English. Had the movie taken place in a first-world country, or in a country where English was the primary language, and a lot of the “fish out of water” tension that the filmmakers were more than likely aiming for is completely lost. So that leaves one of three realistic options: either the movie gets made the way it was, it doesn't get made at all, or it gets made in a way that appeases all of these “no-win scenario” complaints, and we get a movie that's so unrealistic that we've only wasted everyone's time.

As for complaints about the film being xenophobic, it is. But not in the sense that it's perpetuating an American fear of “Asians”, but more in the sense that most of the world should be in fear of us weaseling our way into their homes. The entire premise is that there are these rebels who are mad at the Americans who are coming in and taking control of the land. Big corporations who set up systems in countries that can't afford it, and then take control of whatever they can or want in exchange for pardoning the debt. It's not exactly like this is a new or unfounded story, and it's certainly not like this happens. Throughout history, there are plenty of stories of the powerful gaining control over the weak through promises of a better life. If there's any sense of xenophobia here, it's that most of the “poorer” countries should be afraid of allowing us inside their borders, not the other way around. Hell, at one point, the rebels who Jack and his family have been running from are excused by Brosnan. He explains that these rebels aren't bad people, they're probably not the kind to just take up arms and begin a bloody revolution in the streets because they feel like it, but instead are family members of all different types who want nothing more than to fight against an opposition like this, and are doing what they do because it's what they see as their best case scenario for securing a better, more free, tomorrow. And at no point is there a generalization or stereotype from any of the characters, but instead, Jack shows an understanding and appreciation for where he's coming from. It's clear that nobody in this story wants to be doing what they're doing, but are forced into it.

Last but not least, some people have complained that we never get an explanation of what was happening, nor do we ever get to see it from the point of view of the natives, to understand their story. First of all, we do get an explanation. One that is relatively thorough, albeit brief. It's not an explanation that holds your hand and guides you through the narrative. It's an explanation that assumes most people old enough to see an R-rated movie can piece together clues. As for the complaint that we never get to see the build-up or watch the story through the narrative of the local. Admittedly, that would have been interesting. After all, watching the build-up of this revolution would have been fascinating, and to maybe get a chance to see one of the natives awkwardly agree to start fighting, not because they want to, but because they have to, would have put a nice spin on the story. But this isn't a story about a rising underdog, nor is it a story about changing the world. It's a story about a fish out of water. It's a story about a person thrust into a situation he couldn't imagine, in a brand new locale where nothing is what he's used to, and having to survive completely on his own, learning as he goes. If someone had argued that his family exists mostly as an emotional crutch to build drama to the story, it would have been a more valid argument. The movie does fail the “Sexy Lamp” Test. But to say that the movie is lackluster because you don't get to see every side of a story, when there's one set narrative is pointless. Not every film is City Of God. I don't recall seeing Peter Jackson giving the Orcs all that much of a background, and yet those films were so well-received that most of us can look past those Hobbit movies making Sir Ian McKellan cry. And before any assumptions can be made, this isn't to compare the natives of this mostly-unspecified Asian country to Orcs. The point is that, in this film, the rebels specifically are seen as the antagonists, because the narrative is told through the eyes of the American foreigner (presumably because the film was made by Americans, for Americans, so it seems apt to assume that focusing on the Americans' point of view would sell best to American audiences). That's how storytelling works: there's a protagonist, with whom you watch, associate, and justify everything they do because you understand their motives, and then there's the antagonist(s), with whom you only see at their worst, picturing yourself in the shoes of the protagonist having to deal with these antagonists. And yet still, No Escape goes ahead and makes a conscientious effort to humanize their antagonists as people who are only doing what they think is right, and not acting out of anger, spite, or any other negativity.

Now here's the part that probably most bothers me. Most of the reviews I've read, whether they be film critics, bloggers, or anything else, have cited that most of their malcontent with this movie stems from the racist and xenophobic attitudes that are portrayed. At least through my experience, which is the only one I can speak from, very few people have said anything negative about the film itself. Not a whole lot of griping that the script is poorly written (although it's best if we ignore the final two minutes of the movie), or that the cinematography is lazy, or the acting is poor and unmotivated. Very few gripes even about the directing as a whole. Let's put it on the record, I'm not saying that this movie is perfect; it's not. It does have its flaws, it does have its weaker moments, it certainly could have been a little bit better. But all in all, it's a pretty solid film.

When I went to go see No Escape, 6 of the 8 trailers that played before the film included the phrase “True Story” in some context. Some of the most successful movies of late have been sequels, reboots, or comic book movies. Now I'm not knocking that. I'll watch Vin Diesel and his crew do Fast & Furious movies until they're drifting wheelchairs. I'll pay full price to watch the Justice League pummel Calendar Man because Snyder and Nolan ran out of villains. And I honestly could not care less what you're rebooting or bringing back for the next sequel in a mostly forgotten franchise so long as I get to watch Tom Cruise running somewhere or Chris Pratt being overjoyed at the thought of his own charisma. But seriously, I hear it and read it all the time. People complaining that they want some originality in their movies, but most of what everyone goes to see, and by extension, most of what's being made, is reboots, sequels, comic book movies, young adult-novel movies, and “True Story” movies. And when something comes out that doesn't fit into one of these five demographics, nobody goes to see it, and everyone who does finds something about it to pick apart and tear to pieces. And now we're at the point where we're accusing films of racism and xenophobia because we literally have nothing else about it to bash (because we're bandwagon hopping, not because it's a perfect movie.) Just remember these moments next time you want to complain that there's no originality in Hollywood.


Keep chafing my nuts about No Escape, and in the mean time, I'll just start picking out random news headlines and gluing them together until I have a “Based On A True Story” script.


With that I will leave you. Until the next rash, 


Lou Ford


FIN

P.S.

I want to thank the writer for his contribution. Thank you. 

Thursday, August 27, 2015

The end of the world begins with a parking spot

What Really Chaffs My Nuts are people who double park, or take up more than one space. You     know those dicks, the middle aged rich California raisin who feel the need to display there their    pompous  
ass arrogance as well as protect their car by double parking. Now I get the fact that you got money, and want to show that off, but be considerate. The last thing I want to do when I’m running an errand with my toddler is have to deal with loosing a space. Especially to a douchebag who has nothing better to do than rub his prosperity in my/everybody’s face. It’s even worse when said toddler morphs into a screaming, psychotic pygmy other wise known specifically as a two year old. The reason why is simple, very simple; you’re a dick. I mean, yes, people will look at you and be impressed, and possibly even kiss your ass. They might even respect you. Seriously, it could happen. That being said the world ain’t your oyster, and it ain't your country club. Just because you got a Rolex doesn’t mean you own the world. To a person of lower to middle class status that shiny dick of a car is a reminder of how unfair the world is.
See parking spaces are just that, spaces to park. Remember how your kindergarten teacher told you to stay between the lines when coloring in your coloring book?
If a child can do it then so can you. 

It’s the same thing here. If the only thing you’re doing is strong arming them from people then there is no point in parking spaces. For that matter there is no point in rules damn it! I mean that’s why boundaries exist; so that we don’t become tribal Mad Max savages wearing rejected designs for codpieces, and football pads. It’s so we don’t end up cracking each others' skulls open and feasting on the goo inside. If you double park you could send the world into anarchy. ANARCHY! 
Thanks Bender from "The Breakfast Club" for the help. Anyway, is that what you want? To bring about a world-ending holocaust because you pissed someone off so badly that they grit their teeth so hard that they chip a tooth? That could result in a fight when the person with the chipped tooth gets bumped into. How about that fight results in that chipped tooth being biting off an ear. Which might then result in a Seeing Eye dog’s tail being stomped on, and in turn the dog possibly attacking his owner. That likely would cause a battle with fighting, rioting, and looting. 
Look at what you at what you did you.


Then someone could panic and double-park in front of the police’s mobile command center as he flees from his car. The police would attempt to move the car, but the angry mob for some reason would see their efforts as a form of police brutality. Their reaction to the police would probably be to attack the officers, accidental puncture the cars gas tank in the process. Someone probably would decide to record it on his or her cell phone, but they wouldn't realize that they were standing in a stream of gasoline. They'd burst into flames.

Several helicopters might crash,
Look at what you did!




and as they did so someone trying to find a parking spot would scream out in rage “There’s never any fucking parking spaces” before gritting their teeth and chipping their tooth.

Mean while back at the riot someone who was mortally wounded could drive, and could very likely end up slamming into a car at the airport. That results in double-parking in an angry Japanese businessman space. That man would most likely be angry because he didn’t get a chance to finish singing “Don’t Fence Me In” at karaoke because he was late for his flight. He'd get so pissed off that he'd punches a baby. The violent revenge that the parents would exact would be vicious. The chain reaction that probably would ensure would be a sight that had never been witnessed before. Limbs would be used as clubs as planes fell from the sky.

In D.C. one plane would end up crashing, double-parking in a foreign diplomats spot. That results in what could possibly be an international incident. That results in a nuclear holocaust, and the end of mankind. All of this could happen because of a parking spot. It’s the butterfly effect bitch! Horrible movie by the way. I mean like disgustingly terrible. Watching the last movies that M. Night Shyamalan made and enjoying them would better than that movie.

Anyway, is that what you want? Is that what you want? To be the reason for the very real possibility of the end of the world? Do you want that to be you, asshole? If not then there is a very simple answer for that. DON’T BE A DICK!  Remember just like coloring in a coloring book; park your shiny dick of a car between the lines.
Holy shit! How did that happen? That car was somehow magically placed between those 
two lines by some powerful warlock or sorcerer. That magician gave 
space to everyone around to perform the tasks at hand by accomplishing that astounding 
feat. Look at it. It's shocking isn't it? I mean it's as if someone had managed to steered that wheeled contraption
in a direction that was not only efficient, but considerate too. Holy fuck balls, it amazing!
See that douchebags? See it? That's how you should park. That's how you park! That's how you 
park.    

That’s all.

Until the next rash,

Lou Ford




FIN

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Back Soon

Hello, and welcome to another episode of What Really Chaffs My Nuts. I know that I have been out of circulation for a while, but I have not forgotten. Work and being a being a parent has made , but while I am currently working on something new I will give you something new to enjoy.  That something is "The Happy Tree Friends". YAY! So without further a due enjoy the "HAPPY TREE FRIENDS".

  Until the next rash,


Lou Ford




FIN

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Visor Makes The Douche

Hello, and welcome to another episode of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". In this episode what really chafs my nuts is visors, or more importantly the douchebags who wear them. Now I could go into this whole rant about how I think that those who wear visors have forever changed and destroyed our culture.


 I could rant about how I think that your existence is the cause of autism, but instead I'll let a poem written by a talented artist who is a friend of mine explain it. The author goes by the pen name 5A5 . Enjoy.

Hats and masks Sunglasses and shade Another reason to run away Comfy sweaters Nostalgic scent Wasted efforts Money is spent Hipster Follower FAKE Urban Bohemian Lover Hate Trying hard to be unique Yet, you are all just the same Start a new trend “Let’s all wear visors” Instead of living in the real world Taking guidance from the wiser Demented indie punks That need spiritual advisors Living off daddy’s money In Williamsburg, Brooklyn Starving yourselves because you can never be too thin Poets, starving artists, philosophers Taking any drug given to you Rufies and more But who cares anyway? It’s the latest craze Shooting heroin and smoking haze "Cus all the cool kids do it And I want to be one of them!" Trust fund babies Zombies as friends Paying twice the price for a ten-time worn cardigan Designer glasses with non-prescription lenses Pentagram chokers Non-menthol smokers Might as well just kill yourselves now




I'll just let that settle in. Until the next rash,


Lou Ford 




P.S.

Go to Facebook and check out 5A5 page. Seriously, great stuff. Check it out.


Did you know that only 1 in 20 people know how to cook any kind of dish that could    be remotely edible that would be considered Italian (not a real statistic)? Help us        change that. Stop eating SpagettiOs and check out Gracie's Ravioli. 
Go to Gracie's for all things Italian. www.GraciesRavioli.com
Gracie's Ravioli, they'll make a garvone out of you yet. 

Friday, May 1, 2015

The Bystander Effect and the White Trash Venice

Welcome to another episode of What Really Chaffs My Nuts. This episode is looking at something that is extremely serious and disgusting. This is horrific. What happened was that a young woman was raped in front of hundreds of spring breakers who just looked on.

Delonte’ Martistee (left) and Ryan Austin Calhoun. (Bay County Sheriff’s Office)
What makes this so fucking horrible was that so many people were there, many of who knew what was going on and were more concerned about doing body shots than the welfare of a peer. That is absolutely appalling. What is perhaps worse is the fact that the college that the two suspects were attending only suspended them. A third suspect has been arrested as well. He is George Davon Kennedy who is a student at Middle Tennessee State University. Seriously Troy University, with the video basically pointing directly at two of your students, you guys only suspended them? You treated them as if they were two mischievous school boys who had gotten into a fucking fight at recess. This was a Damn rape, and to top it off there was a video that points directly to the two
George Davon Kennedy 

students as being the perpetrators. Oh, yeah, Delonte Martistee, Ryan Austin Calhoun are Troy University students.  Troy University thanks for your douchebaginess. Perhaps the only thing worse than your reaction to this situation is the college drop out who still hangs out on campus playing guitar. You know the douchebag.

 He's the one who pretentiously sings about how every beer he ever drank he keeps on a shelf above his bed, or that he doesn't have to wear a shirt because he plays frisbee. No wait, the real assholes here are the other party goers.

I'm gonna play "Wonderwall" again.
Thank you  spring breakers  for on looking, because of that you've made watching a dogfight seem like a night at the ballet. The reason why I say that is because while dog fights are cruel and brutal, at least at a dog fight people would actually be engaged even if it was to fulfill the need for blood. This incidents bystander affect was so extreme that even Bill Cosby would be a little freaked out. This would also be his wet dream, as he'd exclaim that he put the pills in the J-E-L-L-O shot, and then remove his ugly sweater to perform the horrific act. The sad thing about this is that this "bystander effect" is not an uncommon thing. It is an actual social psychological phenomenon.

The bystander effect is basically when bystanders offer no help to someone who is in need. What many scientists and researchers have actually discovered is that the more people in the area of disturbance, the less likely the victim will receive help. So, what that means is that you'd be better off getting  shived by Suge Knight in a holding cell than you would be getting beaten in Time Square. Why, because with crowds in Time Square, all those people wouldn't feel the need to take on the burden because "someone else will take the responsibility". I'm not going to get into a whole dissertation on the psychosocial aspects of this social disorder, but that is part of the reason why that girl received no help. That and the fact that everybody there are scumbags who were more concerned about tapping a keg than the fact that a crime was being committed in front of them. Why? Well, because college is hard, and they need time to unwind.

I would also like to give a shout out to the state of Florida. Florida, the state that is literally sinking. The whole state is literally sinking, and yet Governor Rick Scott put a band on the use of the  terms climate change and global warming in communications and publications. That includes it's use by the Florida Department of Environmental Protection. Seriously. While it isn't an official law Rick Scott had requested that an agency whose purpose is to deal with environmental problems can't discuss something that could be a huge threat. Florida, the only thing I can say is that while bad things happen everywhere, when it happens on your turf it somehow comes to represent the ass backwards futile nature of man. Thank you Florida, you white trash version of Venice. Thank you for that reminder. 
Honestly though, I think that the Bay County Sheriff's department should be thanked for it's handling of the incident. From what I know, they have have been empathetic and compassionate toward the victim, which doesn't happen as often as if should. Thank you. 
 
So, the winners of the "Big Cup of Go Fuck Yourself Award" goes to:




1) The Rapist:
The third rapist scumbag.
Two of the rapist scumbags.
















2)  The Spring Breakers:

The fucktard party goers.















3) Troy University:










4) The State of Florida:















5) The State of Alabama:  




Until the next Rash,


Lou Ford




FIN 

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Hello, and well come to another episode of What Really Chaffs My Nuts. This is a not a rant yet, but a bit of a promotion. So, coming soon, The Big Cup of Go Fuck Yourself Award. 
I'll pour a piping hot one for ya.

It is an award, well actually not an award, but more of an acknowledgement of the douche bags in the world, and then honor them for their assholish fucktardedness. I'll basically thank them for the comedy they have provided, and then symbolically drink a toast to them out of my big "Big Cup of Go Fuck Yourself" mug. People like this will be honored.

Dieing?



Really, dieing? Really? Just read it. Dieing?
So until the next rash,










Lou Ford

FIN


P.S.

Do you love Italian Food? Then you gotta check out Gracie's Ravioli. 
Go to Gracie's for all things Italian.  Visit  www.GraciesRavioli.com.


Gracie's Ravioli, they'll make a garvone out of you yet. 





Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Getting dull

Welcome to another episode of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". This isn't a rant, but recently when I was watching TV with my daughter I saw Ice Cube on Sesame Street with Elmo; it was hilarious, and I added the text to the below image. 
Hilarious right? But seriously, you know you lost your edge when you're appearing on Sesame Street with Elmo.

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford.



FIN