The end of the world begins with a parking spot

What Really Chaffs My Nuts are people who double park, or take up more than one space. You     know those dicks, the middle aged rich California raisin who feel the need to display there their    pompous  

ass arrogance as well as protect their car by double parking. Now I get the fact that you got money, and want to show that off, but be considerate. The last thing I want to do when I’m running an errand with my toddler is have to deal with loosing a space. Especially to a douchebag who has nothing better to do than rub his prosperity in my/everybody’s face. It’s even worse when said toddler morphs into a screaming, psychotic pygmy other wise known specifically as a two year old. The reason why is simple, very simple; you’re a dick. I mean, yes, people will look at you and be impressed, and possibly even kiss your ass. They might even respect you. Seriously, it could happen. That being said the world ain’t your oyster, and it ain't your country club. Just because you got a Rolex doesn’t mean you own the world. To a person of lower to middle class status that shiny dick of a car is a reminder of how unfair the world is.

See parking spaces are just that, spaces to park. Remember how your kindergarten teacher told you to stay between the lines when coloring in your coloring book?

If a child can do it then so can you. 

It’s the same thing here. If the only thing you’re doing is strong arming them from people then there is no point in parking spaces. For that matter there is no point in rules damn it! I mean that’s why boundaries exist; so that we don’t become tribal Mad Max savages wearing rejected designs for codpieces, and football pads. It’s so we don’t end up cracking each others' skulls open and feasting on the goo inside. If you double park you could send the world into anarchy. ANARCHY! 

Thanks Bender from "The Breakfast Club" for the help. Anyway, is that what you want? To bring about a world-ending holocaust because you pissed someone off so badly that they grit their teeth so hard that they chip a tooth? That could result in a fight when the person with the chipped tooth gets bumped into. How about that fight results in that chipped tooth being biting off an ear. Which might then result in a Seeing Eye dog’s tail being stomped on, and in turn the dog possibly attacking his owner. That likely would cause a battle with fighting, rioting, and looting. 

Look at what you at what you did you.

Then someone could panic and double-park in front of the police’s mobile command center as he flees from his car. The police would attempt to move the car, but the angry mob for some reason would see their efforts as a form of police brutality. Their reaction to the police would probably be to attack the officers, accidental puncture the cars gas tank in the process. Someone probably would decide to record it on his or her cell phone, but they wouldn't realize that they were standing in a stream of gasoline. They'd burst into flames.

Several helicopters might crash,

Look at what you did!

and as they did so someone trying to find a parking spot would scream out in rage “There’s never any fucking parking spaces” before gritting their teeth and chipping their tooth.

Mean while back at the riot someone who was mortally wounded could drive, and could very likely end up slamming into a car at the airport. That results in double-parking in an angry Japanese businessman space. That man would most likely be angry because he didn’t get a chance to finish singing “Don’t Fence Me In” at karaoke because he was late for his flight. He'd get so pissed off that he'd punches a baby. The violent revenge that the parents would exact would be vicious. The chain reaction that probably would ensure would be a sight that had never been witnessed before. Limbs would be used as clubs as planes fell from the sky.

In D.C. one plane would end up crashing, double-parking in a foreign diplomats spot. That results in what could possibly be an international incident. That results in a nuclear holocaust, and the end of mankind. All of this could happen because of a parking spot. It’s the butterfly effect bitch! Horrible movie by the way. I mean like disgustingly terrible. Watching the last movies that M. Night Shyamalan made and enjoying them would better than that movie.

Anyway, is that what you want? Is that what you want? To be the reason for the very real possibility of the end of the world? Do you want that to be you, asshole? If not then there is a very simple answer for that. DON’T BE A DICK!  Remember just like coloring in a coloring book; park your shiny dick of a car between the lines.

Holy shit! How did that happen? That car was somehow magically placed between those 

two lines by some powerful warlock or sorcerer. That magician gave 

space to everyone around to perform the tasks at hand by accomplishing that astounding 

feat. Look at it. It's shocking isn't it? I mean it's as if someone had managed to steered that wheeled contraption

in a direction that was not only efficient, but considerate too. Holy fuck balls, it amazing!

See that douchebags? See it? That's how you should park. That's how you park! That's how you 

park.    

That’s all.

Until the next rash,

Lou Ford

FIN