Tis' the Season for guilty giving.

Hey, and welcome to another installment of What Really Chaffs My Nuts. I will be posting a Holiday rant soon, but until then I thought I would just give ya a taste of what is to come. So here is something that really chaffs me; those Christmas ads for Zales about diamond jewelry being the best gift that truly shows how much you love your lover. I won't explain it to ya though. I'll let Adam do it for me. Enjoy!

And here is another thing that chaffs me; the bullshit canned food drive that everybody donates to because they feel guilt in this season of giving.

And now for the last thing is this song about the 12 days of Christmas. Enjoy!

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN

Happy Pills!

The Holidays are here, and that means stress. Even more important and debilitating are the resentments that are covered by like cheap presents, with almost transparent holiday cheer. But not to worry, I found a cure. So, read this and find comfort in the possibility of being numb enough to survive the season with out a care in the world. Enjoy!

The holidays are coming, and you know what that means. It means; crisp colorful leaves, cool autumn breezes, thankful gratitude, good food, football, hot chocolate, decorations, snow, presents, and joyous family unity. But let's be honest, do you really enjoy those gathering with those dysfunctional, drunken pricks. How many people's holidays are supposed to be like this:

  Only they turn into this? 

Well don't make that face

And don't rush out to overstock on shotgun shell. No you don't need them yet (yet is the operative word). Not with these Happy Pills we're selling. Divorce The World Happy Pills.  There is no need when you have these. Yes, that's right! No more will you need to deal with the damage inflicted by your family through alcoholism, drug addiction, compulsive shopping or,   awkward sexual encounters at truck stop glory holes with strangers of questionable character. No need in containing and bottling up the rage until one day you literally bludgeon a meter maid to dead with the ticket they issue you for only being a minute over on meter.

 And I mean seriously, who the hell made them god? They're predators, they are. They lie in wait, and then when you're having a bad day, they give you a ticket, for something stupid. To top it off they do it in front of you with a snot nose "talk to the hand" attitude that is so chafing that it literally stupefies you down a few pegs to the point at which you almost swallow your tongue rather than being able to pronounce a syllable. They're fucking god's lit' kidney punches. They are.  You can use these pills  for them too. Actually, scratch  that next time you see one kick em' in the nuts, or the vagina. It feel good, almost like therapy. 

But back to the topic. Family. That's right, the universe's way of reminding you that forced sterilization may not be that bad. 

Maybe forced sterilization is that bad?

Yes? No? Eh? It's hard to say. 

While you may be harping on that idea, just remember that with these pills everything will be fine. Why? Because these sweet, sweet little slices of heaven will change your reality forever. Taking these things is like divorcing the world because once swallowed there are no responsibilities or rules that you need to follow. Hence the name of Divorce The World Happy Pills .

Don't pop bland, chalky pills. YUCKY!!!

No boring, bland pills for you. No not when you can taste the rainbow!
THE RAINBOW BABY!

 Gravity, ha!  You'll be able to fly. Yup that's right gravity won't have shit on you. They 'll make you not care about anything. And it's for a reasonable price, and if it isn't? Just $19.99 for nine pills. It's a steal ( well maybe not, but after taking them, who the hell cares). Who gives a fuck? You won't. You'll have the joyous apathy of a drunken Stalin after a kick ass handy j. I mean the drug formulation contained in these tablets of tingling nirvana make you happily not give a fuck to such an extreme that if Charlie Sheen popped them he say "Hold up. 

I'm done! Take me to rehab".
So remember while the holidays are here, it doesn't mean you have to suffer. Just take the best new coping tool around, a euphoric, "I just don't give a fuck" apathy creating drug. It may suck your soul dry, but it will make the process fun. Just a reminder too, no need to be filled with dread when you can just watch the destructive spiral of dysfunction that is your family up close but at an emotional distant level of gleeful apathy. What could be better than that?

ORDER NOW!!

ORDER! Are you ordering yet? Why the hell are you still reading this ad? GO ORDER! Oh I forgot to give you the number. Call 1-800-THIS-WILL-KILL YOU ON THE INSIDE. 









Until the next rash,



Lou Ford

FIN

Even Frankenstein is a douche!

Hello, and welcome to this installment of What Really Chaffs My Nuts.   I feel that there is something I need to say. There was an incident that occurred where Donald Trump hadn't responded to a comment/question that had been made at a town hall meeting in New Hampshire. The incident occurred when an anonymous man claimed that our nation's problem is Muslims, and that our current president is a Muslim, and not even an American. Then went on claim that there were terrorist training camps in the US, and asked "when we can get rid of them?".

 Now while Obama has fucked a lot of things up royally, he is not a Muslim (not that it would matter) and he is an American. Muslims themselves are not America's number one problem, they aren't. Radical Islamic Terrorists, mass shootings, the heroin epidemic, or the economy are problems that we face. It is not ALL MUSLIMS.  Just like not all French women are snobby creatures with hairy pits. Most of them are, but a few aren't.  (Just kidding) Just like not all middle aged white guys driving vans are creepy, stalking serial murders. Again, some are, but not all. Mimes however are bad people, all of them.  Moving on.

What Really Chaffs My Nuts is slut shaming and Halloween. Why slut shaming? Well, I think that it is a disgusting thing to do just because you don't like, or agree with what someone is wearing.  Halloween, because recently I heard someone say that "Halloween was supposed to be scary, so why are there so many slutty costumes".

Now let me make one thing clear, first off, when Halloween was scary we wouldn't have had fun.  It was first started by the Celts and it was the longest night of the year.  It was a time when one believed that the veil between the living world and the world of the dead was at it’s thinnest.  Also it was the end of the harvest time. If things didn't go well you could starve that winter. The other aspect of Halloween was that it combined was the Lemuria festival. That was a time when the Romans would perform rites to expel malevolent ghosts. The church had taken both of those holidays and blended them with Christianity to attract the pagan population. The point is that Halloween hasn't been fun for all that long. Hell, trick or treating had started off as being a barter system for offering prayers for souls in Purgatory. So if you want scary then let's try the fear of possibly starving that winter because your crop harvest failed, that is unless you ate your neighbor. On top of that let us pound it into your brain that a loved one is stuck in limbo, or better known as Purgatory. It's not quiet hell but it still hurts a lot. Then be convinced that only prayers, and a heavy donation to a corrupt church will set them free. Now here's a scary costume, knock yourself out.

Now the point of this presentation is that now that Halloween is fun, it is that one-day where we can be someone else, and it’s socially acceptable. I mean during that time we celebrate murder by dressing up as killers. Granted the ones we honor are fictional, but we do nonetheless. To top that off the ones we love are child killers. Seriously, who were Jason's victims? Teens. Who were Michael Myers victims? Adolescents. Who were Freddy's? Kids, dude. Freddy, Jason, and Michael are like John Wayne Gacy. They’re just like him if he had been an other worldly soul eater, or a psycho corpse, or a stab happy mentally disturbed mute.      

     

Halloween is the one day where celebrating that is ok, unlike any other day. If your co-worker who is the cubical next to you behaved that way every day at some point you'd call security, and carry mace when you walked to your car. So my question remains, why the hell do people care if a woman decides to go as a naughty nurse for Halloween?

 Why humiliate someone just because of your personal hang ups? 

Need a break to think about it? Regardless, here's 6 seconds of K pop. Enjoy. 

That clip wasn't very good, I know. Well here is the full song, Show+Time by Hwang Min-woo.  Play and listen for as long as you can before your head explodes. It's terrible, horrible, and kinda creepy. Enjoy. 

By the way, did you know that South Korea is blaring, among other things, K pop at the North Koreans due to their repeated threats of military action?  That's right. Can you imagine? I mean there is a lot of good K pop, but just like boy bands in the west, some of those groups are about as appealing as a high school lunch lady climaxing to organism. The only thing worse than that is Japanese death metal. That music reminds me of the sound someone’s stomach when they're suffering from food poisoning. 

And another thing, did you know that the Korean War has never officially been over. There is only a truce that has been keeping the two from annihilating each other and right now they are right on the verge of war. The only thing that is more hair triggered than that is the sexual tension between Donnie and Marie Osmond.  But I've gotten off track. Damn you ADHD! Alright, I'm back. Ritalin don't fail me now! 

So back to what I was talking about. Now I get the fact that many people feel that many of the Halloween costumes made for women are offensive, and objectify women. I get that, but at the same time, people are people. Not everyone has the same beliefs, and even if they do they don't express it exactly the same way.  Just because you have body issues, or you were rejected by a waitress or a stripper doesn't mean that someone who dresses more provocatively is a whore. By the way, waitresses and strippers are very nice to you because they have to be. Why? Because they need your money. See, beauty, style, or clothing doesn't cancel out intelligence, compassion, or a good sense of humor. So while I get that many people aren't a fan due to the idea of objectification, or the double standard of it being arousing only when it might benefit someone's selfishness, or whatever the problem is. Personal attacks on individuals, however,  are uncalled for. It is out of line, cruel, and just basically a sign of assholishness. Especially on the one day of the year where anyone can be somebody they normally wouldn't dare, or can't be in real life. Remember, Halloween is supposed to be fun. So please do us all a favor and hide your judgement. Please, just like your identity, keep your judgmental opinions, and bullshit under your costume. Anyway there is something much more important to be concerned about; something much worse. That is the ADULT TRICK R' TREATERS. Grown ups in costume going around to stranger's homes begging for candy, like that isn't creepy. Just think about that for a sec. And with that I will leave you. 

Until the next rash, 


Lou Ford

FIN  

Slut Shaming and Frankenstein

Hello, and welcome to this installment of What Really Chaffs My Nuts.   I feel that there is something I need to say. There was an incident that occurred where Donald Trump hadn't responded to a comment/question that had been made at a town hall meeting in New Hampshire. The incident occurred when an anonymous man claimed that our nation's problem is Muslims, and that our current president is a Muslim, and not even an American. Then went on claim that there were terrorist training camps in the US, and asked "when we can get rid of them?".

 Now while Obama has fucked a lot of things up royally, he is not a Muslim (not that it would matter) and he is an American. Muslims themselves are not America's number one problem, they aren't. Radical Islamic Terrorists, mass shootings, the heroin epidemic, or the economy are problems that we face. It is not ALL MUSLIMS.  Just like not all French women are snobby creatures with hairy pits. Most of them are, but a few aren't.  (Just kidding) Just like not all middle aged white guys driving vans are creepy, stalking serial murders. Again, some are, but not all. Mimes however are bad people, all of them.  Moving on.

What Really Chaffs My Nuts is slut shaming and Halloween. Why slut shaming? Well, I think that it is a disgusting thing to do just because you don't like, or agree with what someone is wearing.  Halloween, because recently I heard someone say that "Halloween was supposed to be scary, so why are there so many slutty costumes".

Now let me make one thing clear, first off, when Halloween was scary we wouldn't have had fun.  It was first started by the Celts and it was the longest night of the year.  It was a time when one believed that the veil between the living world and the world of the dead was at it’s thinnest.  Also it was the end of the harvest time. If things didn't go well you could starve that winter. The other aspect of Halloween was that it combined was the Lemuria festival. That was a time when the Romans would perform rites to expel malevolent ghosts. The church had taken both of those holidays and blended them with Christianity to attract the pagan population. The point is that Halloween hasn't been fun for all that long. Hell, trick or treating had started off as being a barter system for offering prayers for souls in Purgatory. So if you want scary then let's try the fear of possibly starving that winter because your crop harvest failed, that is unless you ate your neighbor. On top of that let us pound it into your brain that a loved one is stuck in limbo, or better known as Purgatory. It's not quiet hell but it still hurts a lot. Then be convinced that only prayers, and a heavy donation to a corrupt church will set them free. Now here's a scary costume, knock yourself out.

Now the point of this presentation is that now that Halloween is fun, it is that one-day where we can be someone else, and it’s socially acceptable. I mean during that time we celebrate murder by dressing up as killers. Granted the ones we honor are fictional, but we do nonetheless. To top that off the ones we love are child killers. Seriously, who were Jason's victims? Teens. Who were Michael Myers victims? Adolescents. Who were Freddy's? Kids, dude. Freddy, Jason, and Michael are like John Wayne Gacy. They’re just like him if he had been an other worldly soul eater, or a psycho corpse, or a stab happy mentally disturbed mute.      

     

Halloween is the one day where celebrating that is ok, unlike any other day. If your co-worker who is the cubical next to you behaved that way every day at some point you'd call security, and carry mace when you walked to your car. So my question remains, why the hell do people care if a woman decides to go as a naughty nurse for Halloween?

 Why humiliate someone just because of your personal hang ups? 

Need a break to think about it? Regardless, here's 6 seconds of K pop. Enjoy. 

That clip wasn't very good, I know. Well here is the full song, Show+Time by Hwang Min-woo.  Play and listen for as long as you can before your head explodes. It's terrible, horrible, and kinda creepy. Enjoy. 

By the way, did you know that South Korea is blaring, among other things, K pop at the North Koreans due to their repeated threats of military action?  That's right. Can you imagine? I mean there is a lot of good K pop, but just like boy bands in the west, some of those groups are about as appealing as a high school lunch lady climaxing to organism. The only thing worse than that is Japanese death metal. That music reminds me of the sound someone’s stomach when they're suffering from food poisoning. 

And another thing, did you know that the Korean War has never officially been over. There is only a truce that has been keeping the two from annihilating each other and right now they are right on the verge of war. The only thing that is more hair triggered than that is the sexual tension between Donnie and Marie Osmond.  But I've gotten off track. Damn you ADHD! Alright, I'm back. Ritalin don't fail me now! 

So back to what I was talking about. Now I get the fact that many people feel that many of the Halloween costumes made for women are offensive, and objectify women. I get that, but at the same time, people are people. Not everyone has the same beliefs, and even if they do they don't express it exactly the same way.  Just because you have body issues, or you were rejected by a waitress or a stripper doesn't mean that someone who dresses more provocatively is a whore. By the way, waitresses and strippers are very nice to you because they have to be. Why? Because they need your money. See, beauty, style, or clothing doesn't cancel out intelligence, compassion, or a good sense of humor. So while I get that many people aren't a fan due to the idea of objectification, or the double standard of it being arousing only when it might benefit someone's selfishness, or whatever the problem is. Personal attacks on individuals, however,  are uncalled for. It is out of line, cruel, and just basically a sign of assholishness. Especially on the one day of the year where anyone can be somebody they normally wouldn't dare, or can't be in real life. Remember, Halloween is supposed to be fun. So please do us all a favor and hide your judgement. Please, just like your identity, keep your judgmental opinions, and bullshit under your costume. Anyway there is something much more important to be concerned about; something much worse. That is the ADULT TRICK R' TREATERS. Grown ups in costume going around to stranger's homes begging for candy, like that isn't creepy. Just think about that for a sec. And with that I will leave you. 

Until the next rash, 


Lou Ford

FIN  

No Escape, No Win

Hi everybody, and  welcome to another episode of What Really Chaffs My Nuts. This is a special episode for two very important reason, very important. First off I have decided to change the helter skelter publishing schedule of my blog to a more organized posting time. Now I will be publishing my blog once a month. I have decided to do this because with work, school, and a baby it is much easier to post once a month. It will give me more time to research, gather, and write my posts which I guessis a good thing.

Now there is something very special that I am presenting to you. An anonymous writer wrote a piece to be contributed to my blog. I am posting it now because the subject matter it deals with is relevant right now, and if I wait till October then it won't be as important. So without further a due here is what really chaffs the writer's nuts.

So maybe I'm missing the point. Maybe I'm not understanding. Maybe I'm playing devil's advocate. And who knows, maybe I'm just purely ignorant. But let's talk about the new Owen Wilson film, No Escape.

For those not aware, the film is about Owen Wilson's character, Jack, taking his family with him when he moves to “Asia”, in the middle of an uprising, for a job. I'm a firm believer in avoiding as many spoilers as possible, so all I'll say is that Jack's job in some way impacts the lives of the citizens in this unnamed Asian country, the impact isn't all good, and as a result, a lot of the citizens have become hostile towards American influence and, as such, Americans.

A lot of people are accusing this movie of being racist, xenophobic, and other race-driven buzzwords to stir up click-bait interest in their reviews. To which all I can ask is: Did you watch the movie? Did you only watch the trailer? Did you just sit in a dark room for an hour and a half?

It mostly seems to be an instance where people are looking for an excuse to get upset and riled up. In one scene in the movie, Jack is essential to helping some of the civilians get away while the protestors and riot squad close in on each other on a small street. But if you read around, people get upset because clearly the movie is implying that the civilians are helpless on their own and need a white man to protect them. However, there are several other instances in the film where Jack winds up protected by natives and civilians, and, again, if you read around, there are people complaining because the movie implies that these civilians, the natives, exist solely to protect a white man. So it's wrong if Jack protects the natives, but it's wrong if the natives protect Jack. This may be a bit of a strawman argument here, but I'd be willing to bet that, if there was a moment where Jack could have protected a civilian but, for whatever reason, he didn't, there would be some sort of communal complaint about how that implies that we as Americans consider ourselves more important. And if the opposite had played out, and a civilian didn't protect Jack when he needed the help, this same strawman would argue that the movie implies that foreigners are empathy-devoid savages.

So the only safe assumption seems to be that there be no “foreigners” in this movie that takes place in a foreign land. Which brings us back to a well-known and frequently seen problem in Hollywood: cast white-washing. You can't put out a fire by starting another fire. So then what are the filmmakers supposed to do from there? Part of the fear, the tension, that comes from this movie is that our main characters do not speak the language. At one point in the film, they find a map of the area to aid their escape, which proves useless. Why? Because the map is written in the language of the land. And the people who live there speak that language. And our main characters, Jack and his family, do not speak that language. So their map is of little use (at first). Set the movie in a country where English is spoken, and half the tension of the movie is gone. Everyone speaks the same language, communication is simplified, and presumably something can be handled. But there's also the fact that we're given a glimpse into what the problem is, and it's a problem that is seen mostly in the third-world. And there aren't too many third-world countries where the primary language is English. Had the movie taken place in a first-world country, or in a country where English was the primary language, and a lot of the “fish out of water” tension that the filmmakers were more than likely aiming for is completely lost. So that leaves one of three realistic options: either the movie gets made the way it was, it doesn't get made at all, or it gets made in a way that appeases all of these “no-win scenario” complaints, and we get a movie that's so unrealistic that we've only wasted everyone's time.

As for complaints about the film being xenophobic, it is. But not in the sense that it's perpetuating an American fear of “Asians”, but more in the sense that most of the world should be in fear of us weaseling our way into their homes. The entire premise is that there are these rebels who are mad at the Americans who are coming in and taking control of the land. Big corporations who set up systems in countries that can't afford it, and then take control of whatever they can or want in exchange for pardoning the debt. It's not exactly like this is a new or unfounded story, and it's certainly not like this happens. Throughout history, there are plenty of stories of the powerful gaining control over the weak through promises of a better life. If there's any sense of xenophobia here, it's that most of the “poorer” countries should be afraid of allowing us inside their borders, not the other way around. Hell, at one point, the rebels who Jack and his family have been running from are excused by Brosnan. He explains that these rebels aren't bad people, they're probably not the kind to just take up arms and begin a bloody revolution in the streets because they feel like it, but instead are family members of all different types who want nothing more than to fight against an opposition like this, and are doing what they do because it's what they see as their best case scenario for securing a better, more free, tomorrow. And at no point is there a generalization or stereotype from any of the characters, but instead, Jack shows an understanding and appreciation for where he's coming from. It's clear that nobody in this story wants to be doing what they're doing, but are forced into it.

Last but not least, some people have complained that we never get an explanation of what was happening, nor do we ever get to see it from the point of view of the natives, to understand their story. First of all, we do get an explanation. One that is relatively thorough, albeit brief. It's not an explanation that holds your hand and guides you through the narrative. It's an explanation that assumes most people old enough to see an R-rated movie can piece together clues. As for the complaint that we never get to see the build-up or watch the story through the narrative of the local. Admittedly, that would have been interesting. After all, watching the build-up of this revolution would have been fascinating, and to maybe get a chance to see one of the natives awkwardly agree to start fighting, not because they want to, but because they have to, would have put a nice spin on the story. But this isn't a story about a rising underdog, nor is it a story about changing the world. It's a story about a fish out of water. It's a story about a person thrust into a situation he couldn't imagine, in a brand new locale where nothing is what he's used to, and having to survive completely on his own, learning as he goes. If someone had argued that his family exists mostly as an emotional crutch to build drama to the story, it would have been a more valid argument. The movie does fail the “Sexy Lamp” Test. But to say that the movie is lackluster because you don't get to see every side of a story, when there's one set narrative is pointless. Not every film is City Of God. I don't recall seeing Peter Jackson giving the Orcs all that much of a background, and yet those films were so well-received that most of us can look past those Hobbit movies making Sir Ian McKellan cry. And before any assumptions can be made, this isn't to compare the natives of this mostly-unspecified Asian country to Orcs. The point is that, in this film, the rebels specifically are seen as the antagonists, because the narrative is told through the eyes of the American foreigner (presumably because the film was made by Americans, for Americans, so it seems apt to assume that focusing on the Americans' point of view would sell best to American audiences). That's how storytelling works: there's a protagonist, with whom you watch, associate, and justify everything they do because you understand their motives, and then there's the antagonist(s), with whom you only see at their worst, picturing yourself in the shoes of the protagonist having to deal with these antagonists. And yet still, No Escape goes ahead and makes a conscientious effort to humanize their antagonists as people who are only doing what they think is right, and not acting out of anger, spite, or any other negativity.

Now here's the part that probably most bothers me. Most of the reviews I've read, whether they be film critics, bloggers, or anything else, have cited that most of their malcontent with this movie stems from the racist and xenophobic attitudes that are portrayed. At least through my experience, which is the only one I can speak from, very few people have said anything negative about the film itself. Not a whole lot of griping that the script is poorly written (although it's best if we ignore the final two minutes of the movie), or that the cinematography is lazy, or the acting is poor and unmotivated. Very few gripes even about the directing as a whole. Let's put it on the record, I'm not saying that this movie is perfect; it's not. It does have its flaws, it does have its weaker moments, it certainly could have been a little bit better. But all in all, it's a pretty solid film.

When I went to go see No Escape, 6 of the 8 trailers that played before the film included the phrase “True Story” in some context. Some of the most successful movies of late have been sequels, reboots, or comic book movies. Now I'm not knocking that. I'll watch Vin Diesel and his crew do Fast & Furious movies until they're drifting wheelchairs. I'll pay full price to watch the Justice League pummel Calendar Man because Snyder and Nolan ran out of villains. And I honestly could not care less what you're rebooting or bringing back for the next sequel in a mostly forgotten franchise so long as I get to watch Tom Cruise running somewhere or Chris Pratt being overjoyed at the thought of his own charisma. But seriously, I hear it and read it all the time. People complaining that they want some originality in their movies, but most of what everyone goes to see, and by extension, most of what's being made, is reboots, sequels, comic book movies, young adult-novel movies, and “True Story” movies. And when something comes out that doesn't fit into one of these five demographics, nobody goes to see it, and everyone who does finds something about it to pick apart and tear to pieces. And now we're at the point where we're accusing films of racism and xenophobia because we literally have nothing else about it to bash (because we're bandwagon hopping, not because it's a perfect movie.) Just remember these moments next time you want to complain that there's no originality in Hollywood.

Keep chafing my nuts about No Escape, and in the mean time, I'll just start picking out random news headlines and gluing them together until I have a “Based On A True Story” script.

With that I will leave you. Until the next rash, 

Lou Ford

FIN

P.S.

I want to thank the writer for his contribution. Thank you.