Hi, everybody and welcome to another edition of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". So here is what really chaffs my nuts:
You know why this chaffs my nuts? You know why? Well, it's cause if that was the case then don't include in the warning that the best way to avoid serious injury is to not play football. Wait, forget not including the warning, just don't sell the damn product. See, most people know that for decades such things as cigarettes were not known to cause cancer and other diseases. When those consequences were discovered the companies had hidden those facts and even convinced customers that smoking might even be good for their health. The warning on a pack of smokes while seemingly stupid really does serve a purpose. That shit presented above, however, is almost an insult to our intelligence. Man has know ever since the beginning of time that if you hit someone hard they get hurt. That's why many sports involve pads. The reason why soldiers and law enforcement officers wear ballistic vests is 'cause weapons can hurt you. I'd like to ask corporations to do us a favor and leave more stupid ass warning on their products. Shitty warning on such things as antidepressants that reads "The best way to avoid depression is not to get sad". How about that one assholes?
Seriously, this is a perfect example of irony at it's fucking core. Well, that and burning your house down with stress relief candles. What the fuck?
And that is what really chaffs my nuts.
Until the next rash,
Lou Ford
FIN
Monday, August 5, 2013
Everyone is always so focused on threats to our national security, so I thought I'd show you this to maybe help put things in perspective.
Yes the NRA had awarded a lifetime membership to an impulsive 8-year-old. Just think about that shit for a sec. Fucked up right? Right? And you were worried about the terrorists. HA!
Until the next rash,
Lou Ford
Thursday, July 25, 2013
The next installment of What Really Chaffs My Nuts will be posted in the next couple of days. Until then here is Seamus from Family Guy singing a jaunty sea shanty from his boyhood.
Welcome to another episode of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? This bullshit:
U.S. lawmakers meet Russian officials, with help from actor Steven Seagal.
But first this:
Now putting aside all the bullshit about the whole "Conquering hero" and morale excuse for war crimes, do we really need to encourage our(U.S.) armed forces to patron brothels? Fucking seriously? Haven't we already seen enough gags dealing with asian women prostituting themselves to American soliders saying "Hey solider boy, you girlfiend vietnam?'. I mean the residents on the island of Okinawa already blew a fucking gasket due to the something like 5,634 crimes committed by U.S. Military personal in 25, murders, 306 assaults, and127 rapes among other things. The whole rape thing sounds familiar. It would be Mike Tyson's wetdream, that is if he didn't have to follow orders, and do things like that thing you do with your hands when your in the presence of a superior officer. You know that thing where you raise the flat of your hand to your forehead and then extend it out. What it's called, oh a salute. That and the impulse he would have to prison shower rape every other private who was weaker than him. Kinda like how the Air Force Training Officers have been conducting themselves.
In case anybody has forgotten, the U.S. Air Force has recently had to deal with one of it's biggest sex scandals to date, hence the political cartoon below. Observe:
What had
happened was that on a base in San Antonio Air Force base, training officers, like Staff Sgt. Luis Walker had raped at least 11 trainees under his command. He's pictured below as well.
Now the sad thing is the crimes have been committed by many Training Officers since 2009, with many others that may have occurred unreported due to the very real fact of the consequences the victims faced. As one victim said, "How am I supposed to report my rape to my superior when my superior is the one who raped me?". So far though, something like 62 trainees have been identified as victims from Lackland Air Force Base. 32 Training have been charged. Most of the victims were woman, but men can be raped too. Amazing huh? How can that be? I thought that homoerotic inspired violence only occurred in prison, the Catholic church, bible camp, and Turkish baths but maybe we were wrong.
Now if comedy is all about timing then the Japanese politician's statement has made this priceless. Of all the times to encourage the use, and possible abuse women it's in the midst of a crisis such as this. It's like BP Oil Company encouraging consumers to purchase their fuel while attempting to clean up an oil spill, or like arguing the right to purchase and own assault style weapons right after a school shooting/mass murder where such a fire arm was used.
Maybe something funner would be to have Chris Brown, or Charlie Sheen make a public service announcement about domestic violence. By the way there are two guarantees for Charlie Sheen. They are that when he wakes up he's gonna need more drugs, and that the person next to him in bed is a dead hooker or Lindsay Lohan.
By the way this is meant to poke fun at these issues, it's fucking humor, get over some of it.
Here's some shit that you should be more concerned about: .
1. Steven Seagal has become part of a government task force that went to Russia in part to help fight Islamic extremism.
2. Steven Seagal has become part of a government task force that went to Russia in part to help fight
Islamic extremism.
3. Is below:
4. The surviving Boston Marathon bomber, Dzhokhar, has fans. People are donating money to help pay for his legal defense. I just have to ask one question. Just one question, why the fuck are we surprised by that fact? Why? because he's Eastern European, or a Muslim? By the way, not all Muslims are terrorist. How about because he's a white Muslim? Charles Manson had, and probably still does have a following. He convinced a group of lost misfits to mutilate the corpse a murdered pregnant woman.
I met a tween who had absolutely no idea who Mike Tyson was save that he was a boxer, and that he was cool because he was in the first "The Hang Over", and he has a facial tattoo that's sexy. Forget about the rape, domestic violence, and the intellect of a seven year old. What we're talking about here are tween girls who fall in love with spiked hair, cheap fucking aviator sun glasses, and a damn pleather jacket. The hottie wearing the accessories could have been feasting on the flesh of a freshly murdered innocent but damn he'd still be cute. Yeah, that's what we got as the future generation, and you were worried about the rest of the fucking world. HA!
But we got off track. The good news now I guess is that since the allegations of those rapes in the Air Force, and the increase in sexual assaults in the other branches of the Armed Forces have come to light the result has been that top military leaders have/are being grilled by the Senate Armed Services Committee.
Of course, just like any other congressional hearing, everyone accused and involved is going to get off scott free. Why? Because they're considered important, if not vital to leading and maintaining our military infrastructure. So while some low ranking trainee is victimized maliciously by the individual who's job it is to ensure their safety and trust, those who encourage those incidents to be swept under the rug will still continue to go on with a fairly untarnished reputation. Think Laura Bush only significant.
By the way, Steven Seagal went to Russia in part to help fight radical Islam. This is the Guy who if we all had our own personal theme music his would be The Vapors "Turning Japanese".
That's like taking a parenting seminar taught by Woody Allen and his daughter-wife. Just think about it. While your doing that watch this:
Hi. It's Lou Ford, and I would like to apologize for the wait. There have been some delays on my "editors end". Yes, I know it's hard to believe a hack like me having a proof reader, but yes I actually do have someone who is willing to read my jumble of words that at best forms semifunctional, semi-rational strung together thoughts. They're kinda like christmas tree lights, one loose bulb and the whole thing becomes useless. So, it looks like closing down shop may take a little longer than expected, so you'll have to suffer a little longer. But don't fret, I present for your entertainment pleasure "The Whitest Kids You Know" and their skit about strip clubs.
See, you could describe my writing as being just about as pointless as that skit. Sure it maybe funny but in the end who really cares. It's like that trophy you got when you were in little league just for participating. Sure the coach may have made you warm the bench but without your presence the team couldn't have kept up it loosing streak. GO TEAM!
Anyway, that being said it will take a couple more days before there will be another "What Really Chaffs My Nuts" entree. So, for those who like this blog you got one extra episode.
Enjoy.
Until the next rash
Lou Ford.
FIN
P.S.
I know my writing is horrific, and this will prove as no exception. Take pleasure in all it's imperfection.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Hey this is Lou Ford. I'm just writing you guys, the few follows that I may have, to tell you that there will be about five more episodes of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts" before the blog will be closed down.
So enjoy it while you can. If you have any comments, criticism, or whatever give it to me.
Until the next rash,
Lou Ford.
FIN
Monday, June 3, 2013
Hello. Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? Do you really want to know?
WELL I'm gonna tell ya. You see that picture of that traffic sign? It's a sign that means exactly what you think it means.
"Wait For Green Light".
The sign is at a traffic signal, you know those things that shine lights of different color. Red means stop, yellow means slow down, and green means go. See that sign which is hanging next to a traffic signal, is on a main drag. Now the damn thing isn't like one of those school zone flashing light ones that only light up when the kids are dismissed from school, and they don't want you to run over a kid. Damn annoying things those signs. Why do we need them? I mean how else are we gonna get our kids to be active in this age of fucking technology? Why give them the choice when you can just scare them into moving by the threat of their young, new flesh being crushed and ripped under a couple thousand pounds of metal, plastic, and rubber. And just think of how much it would help them with test taking. Little Johnny isn't worried about that math test this afternoon, he's worried about the two blocks he's got to sprint while his mother chases him in the soccer mobile before going home. I once again am joshing you, so apply that ointment to keep your nuts from chaffing.
But seriously the sign pictured there is for everyone, all the time, all four seasons of the year. It's kinda like one of those warning labels on cans of arasol sprays that tell you to use it only in well ventilated area because it's toxic. The sad thing is that while not everyone reads the warning labels on the back of aerosol sprays, even the dumbest douche knows the purpose of a traffic signal. You know how you can tell? Easy. Everybody out there who runs a light knows the importance of their purpose because when they run it they check to see if there's a cop around. And when they do get pulled over they always use the same excuse, "The light was yellow", or "Come on give me a brake, I'm late for work". Everybody gets pissed when they get pulled over for running a light or a stop sign, that is until they or someone they know is the victim of an accident caused by someone else running a light, and then they are out raged. Ironic isn't it. Anyway, the fact that a sign like that is hanging up at a traffic signal means one thing; obviously for many people a red light is just a goddamn suggestion.
