Hi everybody, this is Lou Ford. Sorry I haven't made an entry earlier, but with school and work, things have been hectic. So, from me to you I wish you a Happy Belated Easter. So would Hippity Hop the flesh eating bunny.

See, if you don't join in on his Easter egg hunt he'll eat you. So, hurry up before his hunger for human flesh becomes so insatiable that he eats you alive like a Painted Dog. Painted Dogs are African Wild Dogs that devour their prey alive so other larger predators don't chase them off before they have eaten. Hippity Hop doesn't have to worry about that, he's got the human flesh market thing cornered. Just like how Donald Trump has the whole you can wear the carcass of a mink on your disgustingly bald head, and still be revered as business genius despite continually proving that there is no rock bottom when it comes to being a douche. I mean, just look at him!

For someone who is supposed to be so business savy, he damn sure can't find a way to be anymore repulsive.

I think years from now it will be revealed that Donald Trump was never a human, but a creature from below the depths of the earth. Or that he's like "Leather Face" (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and he has been wearing all of the skin left over from Joan Rivers' plastic surgery procedures. Joan Rivers is like the bride of Frankenstein. I'm just wondering when she wakes up in the recovery room, do all the doctors collectively exclaim "It's alive"? But back to Donald. Maybe he's lasted so long because he feasts on the blood of the innocent, Maybe in an attic somewhere there's a portrait getting uglier ...? Prettier ...? Honestly I'm not really sure which with that dude. I mean Oprah is kinda immortal, but that's because she lives off of the life force of her book club members. Plus I'm pretty sure that she's got artists painting portraits of her daily so that she'll outlast god him/herself. The portrait has to do with the story of Dorian Gray by the way. Anyway, happy belated Easter. 

  So until the next rash, 

Lou Ford.

P.S. 

Hurry up and find an Easter egg. Hurry! Hippity Hop is coming. He's gonna be at your door waiting, and he doesn't know that it's not Easter anymore. He just wants to eat you. Hurry! Find a fucking egg! He'll eat your children, and then eat their chocolate bunnies too! And he won't care that the chocolate is shaped like him; he doesn't have any humanity, or dignity. Hippity is a fucking furry, flop eared, cuddly, little psychopathic gremlin with the mentality of a 5 year old boy and a yellow ribbon. He'll suck the marrow from your bones while playing with his match box cars. 

If you don't find an egg, hide. He's a fucking monster!

Happy Easter!

FIN

Do you want to know why this cute, cuddly monkey is all tied up? We'll tell you at the end of this installment, but first ...

This message is brought to you by the management team at you local WALMART. What better way to represent the American Dream then to have a company fuck over their employee's and rip off the tax payers than cleaving off so many of their employee's hours in order to prevent the requirement to pay for benefits of any kind, leaving us with the bill. All so they can make a fucking profit.  And this is WHAT REALLY CHAFFS MY NUTS! See I bet you didn't think I'd actually say that did you? Well I did. Moving on.

Now I know that some of you are going to crisis, maybe even say that this capitalism, this what companies have to do in an economic recession, or  whatever, well actually I have no fucking idea what the hell your gonna say, in fact I don't even know what I'm trying to express in this explanation, so I'll just put it this way; there is a difference between capitalism, and fucking people over. Why the fuck am I bring this up? Well, because I came across an article concerning another company in a resent issue of the news magazine "The Week" (March 1st, 2013). Oh, by the way the Walmart article was also from "The Week" as well (sorry,but couldn't find the exact issue, but it was within the past month).

Now this is fucking great, labors camps, in of all the places in the world, but Germany, and their being overseen by none other who, but goddamn neo-nazis. Seriously, this is the choice that amazon choose to make, labor camps, skinhead security team, and Germany. there is only one thing more cliche' than this shit, Flava-flav and well almost any sexually transmitted disease. An asian as a doctor, a mexican who drives a lawn mower, Puerto Ricans and time management. Let me see catholic priest and little boys. WOW! does the sign over the factory read something to affect of work makes you free? And by the way, if your a clothing company, like the one mentioned in the article, Thor Steinar, do you really want your fashion to be the fav of      

racist douche bags. The ones who spend all their time hunting down the Pakistani waiter from the local Indian restaurant, just to beat him with a pipe to try to prove how much more superior his pasty ass is? Do you really? When they have a fashion show does it go some thing like: A model is walking down the runway as the announcer does his whole description of one of the new spring out fits,"When you and your friend are going out to stomp some negroes, why not do it in style. You'll be all the rage as you squash that black man's head in our cool hoodie, or this hot T-shirt.
Even when your covered with blood, your friends, and the authorities for that manner will smile at you, and say wow, you look 'great' and smile giving you a thumps up. But don't stop there, once your being processed for jail, why not wow the guards when they strip search you by wearing these spiffy boxers. They'll step back and admire how well they fit, before they make you 'spread your cheeks and give them two good coughs'."



Seriously, that was the shit that Amazon pulled. I mean Amazon is great in many respects, but that shit was horrendously wrong, and halliously unoriginal. Now, I know that your gonna say, who the hell am I to talk; I used Amazon recently, and I'm not telling you not to use the company, I mean at least they tried to clean up their shit( didn't do a very good job), I'm just saying that it's something that we need to look at. Cause in all actuality letting that shitty shit slide is bullshit. Anyway, skinheads overing seeing migrant workers at factors in Germany, really? What the FUCK???!! Now that I think of it, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING?  SCRATCH THAT-we should cancel out Amazon. 86 those fuckers after they're revisit to 1939 or whatever. They should probably hold their meetings in Beer Halls. Moving along.

You know what else really chaffs my nuts? This:














I saw this this bumper sticker on a car, and it's damned March. The month of March, is there still the need to remind me of this? I get that you got faith, praise Jesus and all that jazz, but do your research. Most if not all historians agree that Jesus wasn't born on the 25th of December, and second, the idea of that holiday comes from a pagan festival that was adopted by the church. The yule log, not Christian idea, and Good Old St. Nick not originally Christian. But alright I get that those are your beliefs, but honestly when it's the middle of a smoldering, humid, melt your boots to the sidewalk, swamp ass causing, crotch rot encouraging August day, and I'm stuck in traffic with my wife on the way to a crowded beach inhabited by clones of the "Jersey Shore" cast, maybe it would be best to pack up the manger and send home the wise men home.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for. Why is the monkey tied up?


 He's tied up because I'm holding him hostage. That's right if you want to see him or your childhood again you'll bring 5 million dollars to the transit station and leave it under the bench in front of platform #5. If the cops get involved, pieces of fuzzy soft fluff will be sprinkled in dumpster all over the tristate area. Oh, by the way, if you don't have 5 million I will also accept Sigourney Weaver's inner beauty, or an alluring painting of  of Steve Buscemi nude. And I don't mean something that is just barible to look at, I mean something that will actually make me want to make love to the canvas. If you can find something like that then you can have back the monkey, and your childhood. In all seriousness that's not gonna be easy, Steve Buscemi nude would probably look fairly similar to Orson Wells Autopsy. Well, maybe not that bad, but you get the fucking idea. Plus, be honest, that picture is funny as hell. ha ha ha! LAUGH!

Well, anyway that all for now folks, so until the next rash.


Lou Ford

FIN   

Hey, and welcome to another rant. Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? Smart cars. Let me say that again, fucking tiny, itsy-bitsy fucking smart car. Completely electric, and for good reason, being that size,  it would only take 20 minutes to recharge, and if runs out of gas, you can pick it up and carry it. 

I mean look at the damn thing, it's like someone decided to pimp out their GEO.

Look at it. Yeah, don't lie you remember those things. Some of you even drove those sorry excuses for automobiles. The only things worse than those are the French (yeah, that's right it's the French again) La Car. Go above five miles an hour and the damn thing starts to shake like an elderly epileptic with Parkinson's Disease (and by the way this is a rant, it's meant to be funny). Does that combination even exist? If it did would it be nothing more than a prop for someone to use the carpool lane?  But anyway, the Le Car, a vehicle about as reliable as a shopping cart, and it's all brought to you by the people who think armpit hair is sexy.
Yup. Smart cars, that's what really chaffs my nuts. Until the next rash.


Lou Ford

FIN

You know what really chaffs my nuts? What really chaffs my nuts is the day time TV talk show “The View”. Just look at the hosts.

Star Jones, well, is she still even on "The View"? And by the way how many host or what ever you would calls these hormonal beasts does this show need? Anyway, it's the view ...

need I say more?

Until the next rash,

FIN

Lou Ford.  


P.S.


Always remember, even the fucking cute ones ...

Still wanna eat you.

Hi, for this installment, "What Really Chaffs My Nuts" are Jehovah's Witnesses.

Need I say more?

Oh yeah, by the way here is how to keep them away.



Till the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN

This is Lou Ford here, the author of "Dirty Filthy Snuff", and yes this is another blog. This one's main purpose is to focus on the shit that pisses me off, or rubs my sack the wrong way, but its title is less off putting, and doesn't invoke the images of deviants watching a poor innocent being murdered on film, or basically O.J. Simpson's Saturdays when not actually stabbing someone. So, with out further a due, let us beginning (enjoy What Really Chaffs My Nuts).


Hey, hey, hey! Hi everybody, and welcome to the brand new blog “What Really Chaffs My Nuts". I will begin right away with what this blog is named after, “What Really Chaffs My Nuts” (duh).

So what really chaffs my nuts are bumper stickers, but more importantly those preachy, Christie as hell, I’m better than you “Pro-life” bumper stickers. Yeah, you know those that say that “Jesus is pro-life” or 

“Fetus is Latin for baby”, or even better, 

“Pray the Rosary to end abortion”. Those are what really rub my sack the wrong way. Before I go any further let me say this: this is a damn rant, and it is meant to be humorous. So, while I know that this is a touchy issue, try to look at it subjectively. And anyway if you know my track record, then you’ll know that in some cases I can’t sink much lower. Now, here we go.

While I understand that to many a fetus is a human, a life, that has existed since it was conceived, and so someone shouldn’t just decide “hey, this is so inconvenient, so why don’t you just suck the little fucker out with a shop vac, and then I can make my three o’clock manicure. Sure, I get it, but also first off you Christie, bible thumping; I support our troops and baby fetuses’ assholes, who are you to decide how someone should treat their own bodies? What made you such authorities on morality? Now I know that this is a generalization, but when the most memorable aspect of the past year that dealt with abortion and women’s health is this douche: Todd Akin.   

There is something left to be desired. By the way the whole idea that a woman’s body can prevent an unwanted pregnancy by her bodies will must be some kind of amazing Jedi mind trick that Todd Akin must teach the rest of the world. He must be some kind of powerful warlock. What exactly does a woman have to do? Does she have to close her eyes, control her breathing and remember to” be the douche”?

I mean it’s cool if you wanna protest and petition for anti-abortion laws, but seriously, at nine o’clock in the morning does everyone need to know every political, moral and religious point of view that you have, that includes that you believe that Obama  is a terrorist, while their on way to fucking work? And by the way with everything that some of you guys out there paste on your cars bumpers; with all of your personal opinions, you might as well let me perform a rectal exam on you, because after reading your Monday morning quarter backing bullshit slapped on all over your 

cars, just about the only thing I don’t know is your diabetics mother’s measurements. By the way, do you think that you could also have bumper sticker that regularly informs us where you are in the bible. Ya know like book, chapter, and verse.  And let me be very clear, I don’t want to read 

“Smile, your mother choose life” when I’m on my way to meet my wife for dinner after work. But, let me also say thank you for somehow reminding me that my mom decided to birth me. Thank you for feeling the need to just bring up the fact to a complete stranger that they were pushed out of a vagina. Somehow I as an adult hadn’t even the slightest notion that it had occurred. I thought that a stork had brought me to my mommy!

I mean how is someone like me supposed to know that a man (my father) ejaculated sperm into my mother’s vajinin, and that then go inside her belly, (the womb), until I was pushed out of there into the arms of an unknown, masked man who slapped me on my ass and yelled out “It’s a boy!” How was I to knows that my mommy and daddy would give each other long hugs and through love I was created? How about the reality, in the midst of a drunken stupor in the dark my parents engaged in a clumsy grope feast resulting in me coming out of my dad’s sack, and then going into my mom’s hole where I grew and developed until she pushed me out. You guys fucking amaze me. And all this time I thought I had just risen from the goo and dried crud that had accumulated on my dad’s nut rag. Honestly, though that reminds me that paying attention to your half baked “logical” theories is like learning time management from a Puerto Rican or an Arab. That was another joke by the way.

I do have one question; just one tiny question. How do you explain the correctness of being pro-life to parents of a child diagnosed with Tay-Sachs? Do you even know what Tay-Sachs disease is? Well, in short it is an autosomal recessive genetic disorder. It causes a progressive deterioration of mental and physical abilities that commences around six months, and usually results in death by age four. What that usually means is that the child becomes deaf, mute, unable to swallow all the while several other disabling symptoms that basically make a cucumber more responsive set in. Kinda like Helen Keller with a traumatic head wound. Doesn’t that sound like something that you’d want to share with the world. How could the baby possible be in pain? Hey moms, just think you’ll have your so much fun playing dress up with your very own living breathing doll. Need something new for your Christmas nativity scene, try a Tay-Sachs kid. That being said, is life in that instance such a privilege? But wait Bill Gram rowdies, protecting unborn fetuses that in some cases have been created through rape is right, but hating and possibly harming “fags” is okay. How about calling a fictional children’s book character by the name of Harry Potter a sinful witch, or a satanic sorer and condemning all children who like him, is great, but don’t acknowledge that   Saul used the Witch of Endor to conjure the spirit of Samuel for his own benefit. But hey, I guess morality is an all you can eat buffet where you can pick and choose what is right based on what suites you. Maybe that’s a little harsh, or outlandish, maybe a little accusatory, or hey maybe “high and mighty”, and so for a distraction here are some PUPPIES:

But truthishly not all pro-lifers are bad; I was just mocking a stereotype. And if you got a bug up your ass about it, I in no way intended on offending you, but develop a sense of humor. That being said I think that this is my que to exit stage right. So, until the next rash, see ya.

Lou Ford

FIN

P.S.

Your as mental disturbed as they say you are.