All right so here is what really chaffs my nuts. Kim and her sister Kourtney Kardashian

 had a contest on a recent episode of whatever god for saken abomination of a TV show they star in, to see whose Vagina smelled better. They fucking took a sanitary napkin, whipped their pussies with it, and then had their sister Klhoe smell the napkin and make the decision. They made millions. Right now, we have people starving in our country, an economy that is still in the shitter, a huge debate over the ban of assault weapons, and the ever growing possibility that there could be the slightest chance that North Korea may someday have the capability to fire a nuclear missile at our nation. However, this is the shit we care about. WHAT THE FUCK! These three are the daughters of the man who helped O.J. Simpson skate by on a double homicide, and yet we still feel the need to watch these over pampered, living in a world with no consequences, karma is for poor people brats. Seriously they made millions from a twenty three minute stretch of ungodliness about the funk that bellows from their nether regions. And in a couple of years we maybe pulling out the Bert the Turtle from the

cold war archives to teach our children how to survive a thermonuclear attack. But these fuck wads will be more significant than the resurgence of the popularity of fallout shelters. It's kinda like Bing Crosby; he'd punch his kids right in the face for not eating their string beans, but it's okay cause could he sing.  Boy, could he sing.

Oh, by the way here's the new propaganda poster that has been unveiled in North Korea:

Until the next rash, 

Lou Ford

FIN

Hi. This Lou Ford. What I am about to present to you may be seen as being old, but late than never.
So, it time for "What Really Chaffs My Nuts".

Do you know who really chaffs my nuts? I mean like causes a weird red, itchy, pus inducing when scratched rash; the kind that when the doctors see it they get so freaked out that they vomit. Then the doctor has to travel overseas to meet with a doctor who has experience with such an affliction only to find out that it's worse than some kind of jock itch, but actually an alien parasitic creature that is devouring you slowly. Don't mistake it for some skin irritation, it's an alien form of jock itch. The kind you'd expect to find on one of the Predator alien's (from the film "Predator") nut sack. That is if they had them; we'll never know. One of life's great mysteries. Well, that's what this person who really chaffs my nuts is. Who is this person? It's none other than the CNN reporter "Poppy" Harlow.

 Yes, she (the blond over there) is the reporter who famously acted like a total bitch by expressing her sympathy for the two Steubenville, Ohio high school rapist who raped an unconscious 16 year old girl and then documented and shared it on social media. She said that she couldn't help but feel sympathetic toward the two boys who had their lives ruined by a harsh justice system. Now I get that it's tragic in the sense that the two hicks had a chance to do more then work as clerks at the local 7-11 or whatever convenience store there is in that town, but that still doesn't change the fact that they raped someone. That they took advantage of someone who was vulnerable just because. The one thing that I don't get is if those two fuck wades were so highly regarded due to being on the football team, why the fuck would you go for the drunk unconscious girl? I mean aren't there pretty cheerleaders who suffer from such low self esteem that they'd attempt to pleasure the asphyxiated corpse of David Carradine if they thought they'd get a compliment,( by the way that was humor, or an attempt at it). Instead they go for the unresponsive girl. Explain to me how that would get your rocks off? I thought the whole idea of getting laid was the fun; the fun of hearing the other person moan your name as well as God's. I mean if your so great wouldn't you want the girl to brag? Wouldn't you want to fucking gloat, even if the shit was a lie? However, those assholes decided that the best thing to do was to have a clumsy grope feast with a girl who might have died from choking on her vomit? I'm sorry, but I just gotta know what exactly was involved in the decision making process of going for an animated person and a "dead fish"?
"Hum, a b.j. from Susie Needs-validation, or the passed out, dead weight, sandbag of a girl over there?"
Is it really that hard of a question?
But just in case I'm not making myself clear, putting aside all the dark, offensive humor; THE TWO BOYS RAPED SOMEONE! They got what they deserved, in fact they probably should have gotten a harsher sentence. What really sucks is that all those other students who documented the assault aren't really going to get shit. But anyway, back to fucking "Poppy" over here. I would have to say that that she has given CNN, an already shit news source, the credibility of the Discover card. You know, it's the credit card that most business men would rather accept four live chickens then it. It's the one that even 900 numbers won't take. It's the preferred card of dead beat dads cause they can't actually use it to pay for anything, but it looks good to the judge that he's trying.
"Poppy" here is almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray, or Britney Spears. You know, using her kids head as an ashtray kinda horrible(that was Britney). I guess the bullet point of this rant is that the victim in some cases doesn't receive the sympathy they deserve for being victimized. That girl never asked to be violated, and then have to suffer the further humiliation of having the incident broadcast for all to see. However, it is excusable for her to be forgotten or rather the violation against her forgotten. "Poppy" should in my opinion apologize for what she had said. Moving on.

Oh, by the way when you treat someone like they're God's gift to humanity, in the case of the Ohio rape case, you might get something like this:

These two wondrous examples of normal childhood development are Johnny and Luther Htoo, and they were the leaders of an armed Christian militia that was against the government of Burma( rather Myanmar now). The two chain smoking youngsters were believed to have mystical powers, and that they were in command of hundreds of invisible soldiers along with their already existing forces. These little fucks ran a muck armed to the teeth causing all sorts of mischief and mayhem. Delusional, gun totting, chain smoking children: every mothers dream come true.
It's either that or fucking Lindsay Lohan.

         Take your pick. Until the next rash.


Lou Ford

FIN

I'm Lou Ford, and I present to you "The Fate Of All Of John Travolta's Masseurs".

Until the next rash. 




Sincerely, 

Lou Ford

FIN

Hi everybody, this is Lou Ford. Sorry I haven't made an entry earlier, but with school and work, things have been hectic. So, from me to you I wish you a Happy Belated Easter. So would Hippity Hop the flesh eating bunny.

See, if you don't join in on his Easter egg hunt he'll eat you. So, hurry up before his hunger for human flesh becomes so insatiable that he eats you alive like a Painted Dog. Painted Dogs are African Wild Dogs that devour their prey alive so other larger predators don't chase them off before they have eaten. Hippity Hop doesn't have to worry about that, he's got the human flesh market thing cornered. Just like how Donald Trump has the whole you can wear the carcass of a mink on your disgustingly bald head, and still be revered as business genius despite continually proving that there is no rock bottom when it comes to being a douche. I mean, just look at him!

For someone who is supposed to be so business savy, he damn sure can't find a way to be anymore repulsive.

I think years from now it will be revealed that Donald Trump was never a human, but a creature from below the depths of the earth. Or that he's like "Leather Face" (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and he has been wearing all of the skin left over from Joan Rivers' plastic surgery procedures. Joan Rivers is like the bride of Frankenstein. I'm just wondering when she wakes up in the recovery room, do all the doctors collectively exclaim "It's alive"? But back to Donald. Maybe he's lasted so long because he feasts on the blood of the innocent, Maybe in an attic somewhere there's a portrait getting uglier ...? Prettier ...? Honestly I'm not really sure which with that dude. I mean Oprah is kinda immortal, but that's because she lives off of the life force of her book club members. Plus I'm pretty sure that she's got artists painting portraits of her daily so that she'll outlast god him/herself. The portrait has to do with the story of Dorian Gray by the way. Anyway, happy belated Easter. 

  So until the next rash, 

Lou Ford.

P.S. 

Hurry up and find an Easter egg. Hurry! Hippity Hop is coming. He's gonna be at your door waiting, and he doesn't know that it's not Easter anymore. He just wants to eat you. Hurry! Find a fucking egg! He'll eat your children, and then eat their chocolate bunnies too! And he won't care that the chocolate is shaped like him; he doesn't have any humanity, or dignity. Hippity is a fucking furry, flop eared, cuddly, little psychopathic gremlin with the mentality of a 5 year old boy and a yellow ribbon. He'll suck the marrow from your bones while playing with his match box cars. 

If you don't find an egg, hide. He's a fucking monster!

Happy Easter!

FIN

Do you want to know why this cute, cuddly monkey is all tied up? We'll tell you at the end of this installment, but first ...

This message is brought to you by the management team at you local WALMART. What better way to represent the American Dream then to have a company fuck over their employee's and rip off the tax payers than cleaving off so many of their employee's hours in order to prevent the requirement to pay for benefits of any kind, leaving us with the bill. All so they can make a fucking profit.  And this is WHAT REALLY CHAFFS MY NUTS! See I bet you didn't think I'd actually say that did you? Well I did. Moving on.

Now I know that some of you are going to crisis, maybe even say that this capitalism, this what companies have to do in an economic recession, or  whatever, well actually I have no fucking idea what the hell your gonna say, in fact I don't even know what I'm trying to express in this explanation, so I'll just put it this way; there is a difference between capitalism, and fucking people over. Why the fuck am I bring this up? Well, because I came across an article concerning another company in a resent issue of the news magazine "The Week" (March 1st, 2013). Oh, by the way the Walmart article was also from "The Week" as well (sorry,but couldn't find the exact issue, but it was within the past month).

Now this is fucking great, labors camps, in of all the places in the world, but Germany, and their being overseen by none other who, but goddamn neo-nazis. Seriously, this is the choice that amazon choose to make, labor camps, skinhead security team, and Germany. there is only one thing more cliche' than this shit, Flava-flav and well almost any sexually transmitted disease. An asian as a doctor, a mexican who drives a lawn mower, Puerto Ricans and time management. Let me see catholic priest and little boys. WOW! does the sign over the factory read something to affect of work makes you free? And by the way, if your a clothing company, like the one mentioned in the article, Thor Steinar, do you really want your fashion to be the fav of      

racist douche bags. The ones who spend all their time hunting down the Pakistani waiter from the local Indian restaurant, just to beat him with a pipe to try to prove how much more superior his pasty ass is? Do you really? When they have a fashion show does it go some thing like: A model is walking down the runway as the announcer does his whole description of one of the new spring out fits,"When you and your friend are going out to stomp some negroes, why not do it in style. You'll be all the rage as you squash that black man's head in our cool hoodie, or this hot T-shirt.
Even when your covered with blood, your friends, and the authorities for that manner will smile at you, and say wow, you look 'great' and smile giving you a thumps up. But don't stop there, once your being processed for jail, why not wow the guards when they strip search you by wearing these spiffy boxers. They'll step back and admire how well they fit, before they make you 'spread your cheeks and give them two good coughs'."



Seriously, that was the shit that Amazon pulled. I mean Amazon is great in many respects, but that shit was horrendously wrong, and halliously unoriginal. Now, I know that your gonna say, who the hell am I to talk; I used Amazon recently, and I'm not telling you not to use the company, I mean at least they tried to clean up their shit( didn't do a very good job), I'm just saying that it's something that we need to look at. Cause in all actuality letting that shitty shit slide is bullshit. Anyway, skinheads overing seeing migrant workers at factors in Germany, really? What the FUCK???!! Now that I think of it, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING?  SCRATCH THAT-we should cancel out Amazon. 86 those fuckers after they're revisit to 1939 or whatever. They should probably hold their meetings in Beer Halls. Moving along.

You know what else really chaffs my nuts? This:














I saw this this bumper sticker on a car, and it's damned March. The month of March, is there still the need to remind me of this? I get that you got faith, praise Jesus and all that jazz, but do your research. Most if not all historians agree that Jesus wasn't born on the 25th of December, and second, the idea of that holiday comes from a pagan festival that was adopted by the church. The yule log, not Christian idea, and Good Old St. Nick not originally Christian. But alright I get that those are your beliefs, but honestly when it's the middle of a smoldering, humid, melt your boots to the sidewalk, swamp ass causing, crotch rot encouraging August day, and I'm stuck in traffic with my wife on the way to a crowded beach inhabited by clones of the "Jersey Shore" cast, maybe it would be best to pack up the manger and send home the wise men home.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for. Why is the monkey tied up?


 He's tied up because I'm holding him hostage. That's right if you want to see him or your childhood again you'll bring 5 million dollars to the transit station and leave it under the bench in front of platform #5. If the cops get involved, pieces of fuzzy soft fluff will be sprinkled in dumpster all over the tristate area. Oh, by the way, if you don't have 5 million I will also accept Sigourney Weaver's inner beauty, or an alluring painting of  of Steve Buscemi nude. And I don't mean something that is just barible to look at, I mean something that will actually make me want to make love to the canvas. If you can find something like that then you can have back the monkey, and your childhood. In all seriousness that's not gonna be easy, Steve Buscemi nude would probably look fairly similar to Orson Wells Autopsy. Well, maybe not that bad, but you get the fucking idea. Plus, be honest, that picture is funny as hell. ha ha ha! LAUGH!

Well, anyway that all for now folks, so until the next rash.


Lou Ford

FIN   

Hey, and welcome to another rant. Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? Smart cars. Let me say that again, fucking tiny, itsy-bitsy fucking smart car. Completely electric, and for good reason, being that size,  it would only take 20 minutes to recharge, and if runs out of gas, you can pick it up and carry it. 

I mean look at the damn thing, it's like someone decided to pimp out their GEO.

Look at it. Yeah, don't lie you remember those things. Some of you even drove those sorry excuses for automobiles. The only things worse than those are the French (yeah, that's right it's the French again) La Car. Go above five miles an hour and the damn thing starts to shake like an elderly epileptic with Parkinson's Disease (and by the way this is a rant, it's meant to be funny). Does that combination even exist? If it did would it be nothing more than a prop for someone to use the carpool lane?  But anyway, the Le Car, a vehicle about as reliable as a shopping cart, and it's all brought to you by the people who think armpit hair is sexy.
Yup. Smart cars, that's what really chaffs my nuts. Until the next rash.


Lou Ford

FIN

You know what really chaffs my nuts? What really chaffs my nuts is the day time TV talk show “The View”. Just look at the hosts.

Star Jones, well, is she still even on "The View"? And by the way how many host or what ever you would calls these hormonal beasts does this show need? Anyway, it's the view ...

need I say more?

Until the next rash,

FIN

Lou Ford.  


P.S.


Always remember, even the fucking cute ones ...

Still wanna eat you.