That Thing

You know what really chaffs my nuts? What really chaffs my nuts is when people use the word "thing" in a sentence to describe something. You know what I'm talking about, it's when someone is talking about a specific object or task but because the name of it has slipped their mind they use the word "thing". The result being that the sentence sounds like the most ambiguous thought ever expressed.

"Honey, we got to take care of that thing today."

"What thing?"

My wife would respond "That thing to straighten out that other thing?”

"Wha ..."

Nothing's better than when one if us is trying to find our keys, and the other knows exactly where they are but can't remember the actual word.

"Where are my keys?"

The response "On the thing?"

 "What thing?" 

"The thing by the door."

"Do you mean the desk?" One of us would ask.

"Yes."

"It's not there."

The answer would then be, "Then it's on the other thing by the door".

What would result would be that seeker of the keys head thingy would explode splattering brain matter all over the thing that the thing was supposed to be in and/or on.

Basically the whole episode turns into a clusterfuck, and is more confusing than changing the ink for the printer at work, or the rules of cricket. The only thing worse than that is a Swedish art film. If you don't believe me than go find one and watch.  Go ahead and then tell me you get the plot or the point. If you tell me you do than you're a lying bastard and deserve to be kicked in the nuts because you don't. Nobody understands art films let alone Swedish ones.

The most annoying thing about the use of "thing" to describe a task or object is that we've been fed that "thing" bullshit for like almost a year. We've been fed it during this whole presidential election period. Remember this shit?

Trump is gonna do that thing to solve that thing. That's all he's got. No policies. It's like getting slightly more coherent drunk dialed phone call from an angry ex.

The other part that is just as bad is that Hillary basically uses the same sort of language.

Well she doesn't say it like that, but it basically means the same thing. 
Wait let me rephrase that; it could be interpreted that way. Still not using that tactically maneuver as blatantly does excuse it. She didn't do anything wrong. All those lost emails, and shit mean nothing. That isn't very comforting either. This shit could be compared to going to see a dentist that's has a few missing front teeth. I mean sure you're getting a tooth extracted, but do you really want him doing your work? No. If that motherfucker can't do it right for himself, how's he gonna do it right for you?

HE'S NOT! LOOK AT HIM!

HE FUCKING HILLBILLY CAN'T!

 If you went to see him he'd probably cause you to lose more teeth. I mean he's gotta be a hillbilly, right? Look at him? Even if he isn't we'll say he is for this. If he's a hillbilly then that means he probably would use crystal meth and/or oxy as Anesthesia because he's a hillbilly. What that would mean is that you end up like this.

Then before you know it the two of you are getting so twisted and tweaked that you decide to play operation on each other mouths, and when one of you flinches the other would make the buzzing sound. You'd make the sound obnoxiously like a fucktard.

Then the two of you would try to turn in your teeth to the tooth fairy for money. However, when the two of you don't find money under your pillow you'd go down to a mattress store where you'd harass the salesmen accusing him of muscling in on the tooth faerie's turf. Accusations would fly that the manager had killed the fairy to get her out of the way. Then as the meth hysteria peeks one of you would grab a bed sheet, drape it over your shoulders and flap your arms like wings screaming, "I'm the tooth fairy gimme your teeth".

The hallucinations becoming so bad the two of you would try to steal each other's gums. Not being too successful, the next logical (step for a tweaker) is that you two guys would try to grow back your teeth. Filling each other's mouths with soil, and then showering it with Miracle Grow. When that doesn't work (of course it wouldn't work, but in your maniac mind how could it not work, and now that it didn't you've lost your faith in humanity) the next choice is to till the earth. I mean your planting a crop of teeth. You're a damn farmer. Wait is everyone confused? Me too. I’m so lost in the metaphor I lost sight of the plot line.

The point is that it is already annoying as fuck when someone in everyday life pulls that shit, but when I got two possible presidential candidates who use the term "thing" it pisses me off. If they do that then my douche meter goes off the charts. In other words in some form we are fucked. Why? Hillary is making history as being the first woman nominated, despite the fact that she is intelligent, and has experience all while rockin' a sophisticated mullet, there is that email thing. It's a tad bite unsettling. That being said a bigoted, tiny-fingered cup of used tanner from the cast of the JERSEY SHORE is a frightening choice. The idea that a platinum blonde, fact bending self-imploding canister of Agent Orange is the only other option is like getting kicked in the nuts after having your eyes gouged out. Or maybe being punched in the throat? Which is worse, a punch to the throat or an eye gouged out? Whatever one’s it, that's the one.

In all honesty, and I have tried to be an equal opportunity hater, I am leaning way toward Hilary if for no other reason than the fact that she has experience and that she doesn't use anonymous, abstract, and ambiguous explanations as solutions for problems. If I want to hear that I can have my wife describe something when she's having a brain fart, or me for that matter. I don't want to hear about that thing that's gonna take care of that other thing that will make the nation great again. With that I will leave you.

Until the next rash,

Lou Ford.