Head Trauma: Medical Science Marches On!!!

Hello. Welcome to another episode of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". I am currently working on another entree; one that is much more serious, and discuses a very important issue. That entree is not finished, so this time I will just present to you to some of the stupid stuff that has been going on.

So, with out further delay, let us begin. Enjoy:

 Do you know how wonderful this is?  This is a discovery that is on the same level as finding your soulmate by shooting them.  What happened to this man could be the answer to many once chronic conditions such as that man's color blindness.  I mean think of how great it could be.  Seriously, just think.  It could be almost like banging out a dent in a car, or playing "Whack A Mole".   There will be no more surgeries, or will the patients have to suffer.  Now when they come down with an illness you can just bop them on the head, and presto chango! YOUR CURED!  You got cataracts; doctor give him THE HAMMER!  You Suffer from migraines?  Hey nurse give em' THE HAMMER!  An ear infection?  Doc prescribe them THE HAMMER!  Isn't that great?  I mean it's even fun to say. Kinda sounds gangsta doesn't it?  THE HAMMER!  Sure it may be a little painful on the patients end, but what's the worst that could happen?  Shit, if your already fucked up what's a little more damage gonna do?  Plus think about how therapeutic it would be for the doctors.  They could let out all their anger on the patients who really get on their nerves all the while curing them.  It would be a perfect way for them to vent the stress they're under.   It's a win-win situation.  And I mean, if it can cure color blindness think about what it could do for Lindsay Lohan,  besides possible rendering her unconscious and dead.  Even Bruce Jenner could benefit from it.  If the procedure turns out to be very similar to hammering out dents, then a doctor could just keep bashing him in the skull until anything about his current physical state changes. What do I mean? Well, have you looked at his face?  It looks like a latex vagina that someone has stretched over their knee, and then somehow hardened it into a disgusting nerve damaged piece of tissue. That's what I mean.  And if it doesn't work, what difference does it make?  How much more harm could you do?  He's married to a damn Kardashian for god sake.

     Here is the next stupid thing.  Did you read it?  A Utah mom spent more than $567 to buy tee shirts from a local mall that she said were promoting pornography to children. The shirts by the way did featured scantily clad models. WOW!  So I guess this is a win-win. The woman gets to fulfill her moral crusade, and the venders at the PacSun store make a killing.  Not bad.  Still though, I got a question if I may?  That question is, is that really the way to go?  Why not help clear out a neighborhood of crack by buying all of the crack from the dealers?   But is that really gonna serve a purpose? The crack dealers are always gonna bring back the crack because, well, either way they're gonna make money.  So, is buying all the shirts from the store, and spending money that could be used to pay a utility bill so you can save your children really worth it?  Isn't that kind of "corruption" something that is in many ways inescapable?  Morals are ideals that you as a parent are supposed to instill in your children when last I checked. But besides that, aren't there other ways to fight back besides emptying out your saving account. Seriously?

With that I'll leave you.

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN

My Irish Drunken Dad!!!

I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy belated St. Patricks Day. Enjoy:

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN 

Morgan Freeman: The Voice That Soothes White Privilege.

Hey, do you know what really chaffs my nuts? This, and that by that I mean the Happy Feet Blurb. Actually read them all. I'll start with the Happy Feet one. All the rest will be tied in later.  Read it:

Yeah, that's right penguins needed antidepressants. The penguins at a British zoo couldn't cope with the torrential rain, and so they became depressed. Yup, it turns out Happy feet is Sad feet. As a result they're on Celexa.  Now I know what your thinking. Your thinking that these creatures are built for testical shriveling subzero temperatures because there penguins, right? So what's the problem with a little rain. I mean they got to be wusses for that. But hold on; wouldn't you be sad if Morgan Freeman stopped narrating your life story? I mean it's Morgan Freeman for god sakes.

Morgan Freeman has a voice that's kind, understanding, and empathetic even when its tone is angry. He makes everything seem ok. Seriously, he does.  He comforts everyone.  He narrated "The Shawshank Redemption" and somehow made prison rape seem alright.  Now that in mind there is one thing that I've noticed,  his voice is especially comforting to White People. Why is that?  I've tried to figure it out, and I haven't really figured out a definite answer.  Could it be that he reminds white folks that not all large black men are dangerous?  Does his voice make white men feel safe to have their girlfriends or wives in the presence of his vocals?  And if they become his sweet ass bitches, who cares, it Morgan Freeman.  I mean that man could narrate the massacre of an entire village, the clubbing of baby seals-hell a nuclear holocaust, and white people everywhere would wipe their brows in relief.  Why?  Because how bad could it be?  It's Morgan Freeman.

     That is why I believe that it should be mandatory that all news be reported by Mr. Freeman.  Even if if he just gargles, we'd all feel better about the state of the world.


Now remember how I said that I would tie all those blurbs together, get ready for this. The antidepressant part, when I found out that Samuel L. Jackson wasn't Morgan Freeman,  I too needed antidepressants. See how I tie in that whole Samuel L. Jackson thing for up above. That was the second bulb about how the Los Angeles Anchorman who confused Samuel Jackson with Morgan Freeman.  Shit! The Anchorman had confused Samuel L. Jackson with Laurence Fishburne, not Morgan Freeman.  Still when I found out  Jackson and Fishburne weren't Morgan Freeman, I was devastated. Hence, I needed Antidepressants. See How I combined the antidepressant with the second blurb.  

How could that be? I mean don't they all look ... before I finished that sentence let me just say that this a joke.  In case you haven't noticed I was mocking white people, and their discomfort with other races   aka concealed racism it could be called I guess.  Stereotypes like all Jews being cheap, or  the myth that all prostitutes give black guys group rates.  Get it.  And by the way I know that black people don't all look alike.  Still, when I found out that that neither Jackson nor Fishburne were Morgan Freeman, my heart ached like an arthritic knee before it rains.  His smoothing low tones could seduce a rabid animal.  I mean his eloquence is like that of cherry blossoms gently raining down on me on a cool spring afternoon, tickling my skin. With it's caresses each peddle feels like the gentle touch of a caring lover who wants to give their very soul to me.  The magnificence of his chuckle touches the most inner vulnerable piece of my being until I feel content with every facet of the universe. So you can see my disappointment when I learned that he wasn't every black man I've seen on TV.  See how I tied those to blurbs together? Did you see that?


Now in terns of the of third thing, the Canadian metal band who charged the U.S. government for using their music to torment Guantanamo Bay Detainees, well they did that because they needed money.  They needed money for all the therapy they going to need for the pain they'd feel, for also realizing that not only is Samuel L. Jackson not Morgan Freeman, but Laurence Fishburne isn't either.  The pain, and anger they felt was so huge that they would decided that living on an isolated compound in the middle of nowhere as well as the best drugs that man can buy would be the only thing that would sooth them.  Only they'd find that it was just going to shelter the pain until one of those really cheesy Coke commercials with the arctic animals all being friends came on.  You know the ones were the polar bears are hugging seals and giving big high five's to penguins, then kissing eskimos and shit.  Well that would absolutely drive them bat shit nuts.  So much so that they'd  drive their tour bus in terror into a busy intersection where they'd hallucinate that they had actually run themselves over.  They would then die and go to heaven, and there they'd meet God, who is Morgan Freeman. OMG! I know right?  That is until they'd discover that due to them playing "the devil's music" they were in hell.  Their punishment would be having their worst day alive narrated by that Morgan Freeman.  The thing is that that Morgan Freeman wouldn't have the smooth voice like carmel, but a nasally cross between Fran Drescher and Gilbert Gottfried. Yeah,

   

















that guy above, and her.

 No, that didn't, and probably won't happen.  But if it did wouldn't that be crazy cool?  Right? Seriously though, the one thing I got to say about that last piece is this: HA HA! Hows that for copyright infringement? So much for the Federal Governments laws against pirated material (music, movies ext ...) And I guess it's true, "Piracy really isn't a victimless crime", at least not according to the detainees of Guantanamo Bay.  HA HA!
With that I will let you go.


Until the nest rash.



Lou Ford.

FIN