Hello again, my fellow abraded victims, check this out:

Isn't that great! a mascot for a prison so children won't just understand that criminals are human, but now they can see their cuddly side. Sure, Chester's (the child molester) catch phrase was "Hey little boy do you want some candy" which was then followed by a rag of chloroform. Then that was followed by a sweaty, sticky, wrestling match on a urine stained mattress, but he wrote a song for his mother's birthday. He knitted a blankly for his nephew, and sleeps with a night light. I mean I get it. I get it. I get the fact that the world is scary and that we do need to teach our kids about the truths of those dangers including the fact that those of us who are monsters still are in fact human. But in all honesty do we really have to go that far? A mascot for a prison? I mean in the States we had a character on Sesame Street who was a hobos who lived in a garbage can (Oscar The Grouch).

 Right now we got a cute, lovable mongoloid puppet who's a junkie (that would be the Cookie Monster).

Shit, the same program has a character who has AIDS. Her name is Kami.

Yes, the disease that Conservatives and born again Christians refer to as god's punishment for the homosexuals, and harlots (aka god's equalizer for the non-believers).  But like I said, do people really have to take it that far. A mascot that if nothing else will actually help to lore children to their death because, I mean, the dude who represents the thugs is basically a fucking teletubbie with a psychopathic under belly. In others words he'd teach the kids to count to ten while raping and murdering their moms. Isn't that fun boys and girls? I mean he's a mascot for a prison, how sweet and innocent can he be?
I don't get it, but then again we're talking about people who are absolutely mad about cartoons that involve 15 year old school girls being fucked by many tentacles monsters. So I guess in that case it's all relative. Still do you really think a cuddly mascot is necessary to really change the image of criminals? Seriously? That's like turning prison raping, wife beating Mike Tyson into a cute fuzzy-wazzy kitty cat. No matter how you dress it, the fact still remains that it is still a lethal creature. Just the Japanese made this one, like many of their others characters, with fur and cute little pointy ears. A Pokemon that's probably carrying a shiv. He'll stab the shit outta ya, but all you'll wanna do is give him a hug.  
Seriously?    



Well, that all being said I think I'll say bye-bye.

So until the next rash,

Lou Ford

FIN  

Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? The shit down below. Just read it. 

So, the people who were watching the pageant had gotten angry that a non-white girl from Dallas, Texas hadn't won. They had gotten pissed off that a non-JonBenet Ramsey looking blonde who was a good Christian so her only lover was Jesus hadn't gotten the tiara.  That had gotten them so hot under the collar that they felt the need to actually waste time on twitter flinging insults at the winner. Their nuts were almost as chaffed as mine. Can you believe it? Now all that rage about a pageant sounds pretty pathetic, but maybe before we make that judgement call let us examine, and then review. First off what exactly is the Miss America pageant? Well, the pageant is nothing more than a scholarship program. Yeah, that's right. Not an office that gives unlimited access to our nations tweens. It's not an election to a higher office, or some political position that gives the winner a huge amount of clout. No, it's for scholarships. In laymen's terms it's money for  school. So, what does that mean? Well, for all you fuckin' Mensa members out there that means that the winner and the runner ups receive some sort financial aid for basically dancing horribly choreographed routines, swim suit competitions, and shity talent portions that are two steps up from the free drink coupon Thursdays at the local strip club. So, basically there's T&A followed by a middle school talent show. That's really the makings for move makers and role models. I mean wouldn't you say that. It something that Amanda Bynes could win. I'm not talking  about Nickelodeon's sweet funny girl. Oh no, the wig wearing, drug induced psychosis suffering, I got a smushed gummy bear in my pants and I ate it, one. 

Having gone over that here is the next thing to ask yourself. You ready? I just want to make sure you are. The question is who the hell cares? Seriously. After that win the new Miss New York will be forgotten. She'll pop up here and there maybe, but over all we ain't gonna hear shit about her. Why? Because she's fucking Miss America, and her symbolic significance equates to that of condoms for quadriplegics. Her positions matters about as much as public lice at the Jersey Shore. Plus, just think about this; the pageant is held in Atlantic City. Atlantic City. That's Las Vegas' red headed step child. In other words it's held there because nobody really gives a fuck. 

When you read all the tweets that call Miss America an Arab, or "Miss 9/11" it becomes a little confusing because she isn't an Arab. I know! Oh My God! But she has dark, brown skin and speaks with some sort of weird accent that the guy at 7/11 has. Did you see her name? Now you tell me that it doesn't mean box cutter, or suicide bomber, or death to America in whatever hebgeby language those terrorist speak. Well, here's the surprise. She's Indian. I'll let that set in. Indian, and American born. OMG! 

Here's a little advice for those who decided that if it's tan it's taliban. Do the research. You got plenty of time to tweet, and watch reality TV, but to Google anything with exception of something stupid is impossible. Indians for the most part aren't even close to the same race as Arabs. In fact, and here is something that will throw you for a loop, being an arab doesn't equate to being Muslim. Being Muslim doesn't equal evil. Wow! In the middle East which is a fair distance from India, there are Europeans if you will. The Term Aryan does hold some historic truth. They are Indo-Europeans. Plus with colonization, white blood lines are in place. So please, do us all a favor and I say this with the utmost respect, please stop reminding everyone all the fuckin' time that 9/11 changed everything. We know. Instead of focusing on a Sand something person, why not focus on hunger in America, women's rights, health care, or gun control. Hey, how about this, everybody complains about immigration so here's something to think about. We as a nation are the second highest consumers of the illegal sex trade. Germany comes in first. Yeah, we're second. So all you fellas out there who bitch about illegals, and then on their lunch break go to get a happy ending at the Thai massage parlor should think about the fact that in many cases you are helping to make the illegal situation worse. That girl could have been trafficked in, and forced to please your pale ass.   How about being concerned about this:                  

Or this shit down bellow.

This law is great we got the fucking visually impaired packing heat. Oh yeah, that's gonna turn out great. No casualties from that law. That makes about as much sense as flavoring cought syrup. I don't care what you say, cherry or grape, all that sugar can't coverup the fact that I'm forcing down some chemical with an ungodly taste that reminds me of eating pixy stix laced with windex. Don't lie to me. If I want lies I'll watch Foxnews, or porn.

That being said I'll let you go. Until the next rash.



Lou Ford

FIN

    

This isn't a rant about "What Really Chaffs My Nuts", but it is something to brighten you day. 

Let's be honest life is cruel. It a life sucking abyss of a bitch whose swirling blackness slowly sucks the life out of you until you are an empty vessel that holds flesh and blood. Flesh and blood, but nothing else. It drains your essence till you're so vacant that when you see your own reflection it at laughs at you in hysterical malevolence. From it filthy, disgusting, stagnant puddle of back alley parasite infested  gutter water, it laughs at you. To put it simply life is a mean vicious bitch, but there is a silver lining. That bright spot is at least you weren't one of those gullible douches who actually believed in the head line above. The whole "Holy milk" thing. So when life gets bad just remember your a step up in the world. Jizz isn't a creamy version of the Holy Grail. Things are all good in the hood. 

Now if your one of those folks, well, your fucked. I mean lets face it, game over. That's it. There's not much left is there. Stop trying to pretend that each day is a new adventure 'cause you just got down on your knees to receive communion the way of the alter boys. Really, there ain't much left. 

Well, that's just about it. The next time you feel bad just remember this, and smile while the nurse takes out the catheter.   

Until till the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN

Check this out:

So, I guess that you could look at it this way; sure you may get raped, robbed, murdered, burglarized. I mean you could become fatally ill from a fleshing eating bacteria from the severed limb of a former motor industries employee that results in a sky rocketing career as a blues musician named "Stubs McCain". In fact maybe that said hand might come back to life like Thing from The Adams Family, and in an attempt to find its owner attacks you. All those things could happen to you, but just remember one thing. The one thing to remember is that while all those horrible things may have happened, the house that it happened in... you got for a steal. Doesn't that make things all worth while?     

This is What Really Chaffs My Nuts:

There are expiration dates on bottled water? It's water in a bottle, seriously a date to sell the product by? Are you kidding me? What next expiration dates on potting soil? Best if sold by this date or else it will turn, well, into dirt. And that liquid in the bottle pictured up there is water. It's water. There's a date. What the Fuck?! 

Until the next rash,

Lou Ford

FIN

Hi, everybody and welcome to another edition of "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". So here is what really chaffs my nuts:

You know why this chaffs my nuts? You know why? Well, it's cause if that was the case then don't include in the warning that the best way to avoid serious injury is to not play football. Wait, forget not including the warning, just don't sell the damn product. See, most people know that for decades such things as cigarettes were not known to cause cancer and other diseases. When those consequences were discovered the companies had hidden those facts and even convinced customers that smoking might even be good for their health. The warning on a pack of smokes while seemingly stupid really does serve a purpose. That shit presented above, however,  is almost an insult to our intelligence. Man has know ever since the beginning of time that if you hit someone hard they get hurt. That's why many sports involve pads. The reason why soldiers and law enforcement officers wear ballistic vests is 'cause weapons can hurt you. I'd like to ask corporations to do us a favor and leave more stupid ass warning on their products. Shitty warning on such things as antidepressants that reads "The best way to avoid depression is not to get sad". How about that one assholes?
Seriously, this is a perfect example of irony at it's fucking core. Well, that and burning your house down with stress relief candles. What the fuck?
And that is what really chaffs my nuts.


Until the next rash,


Lou Ford

FIN    

Everyone is always so focused on threats to our national security, so I thought I'd show you this to maybe help put things in perspective.

Yes the NRA had awarded a lifetime membership to an impulsive 8-year-old. Just think about that shit for a sec. Fucked up right? Right? And you were worried about the terrorists.  HA!

Until the next rash,

Lou Ford

The next installment of What Really Chaffs My Nuts will be posted in the next couple of days. Until then here is Seamus from Family Guy singing a jaunty sea shanty from his boyhood.   

Until the next rash,


Lou Ford.